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Lucario 2.0
July 9th, 2007, 03:39 AM
A battle,a cannon,a dark ball,a fall,a moment of pure dark rage,then,nothing is all you rember suddenly,you fell infuriated beyond your control,you attack at your steel cage,sudenly you see a man walking towords you,he says "how are you my creation?"in an evil voice,"what is this?"you hiss at him,"all in due time,all in due time."I command i know now!"you shout as lound as you telekinetic powers allow you."Settle down,my creation,soon you will know,soon"."Why have you done this to me!?!"You scream as you enter rage."Its all right" he says "youll be free soon,shadow lugia."

So basicly its shadow lugias point of view.what do you think?and this is just the prolouge,any tips?

Alter Ego
July 9th, 2007, 04:05 AM
First off, do something about your punctuation and grammar; you've got way too many commas in there - which is making the whole thing extremely choppy - and the fact that you haven't even put a space after each comma makes it look really cluttered to boot. Also, whenever the speaker changes in a dialogue it calls for a new line, otherwise it becomes hard to tell who says what and the whole thing becomes a complete mess. Compare this:

"This dialogue is really messy,isn't it?" ask Bob,"Why do you say that?" asked Ben,"Beats me.""So it's just a feeling?""Yeah, I guess so. It's sort of like-" bob paused,"-like we're squashed together here."

with this:

"See? This looks much neater, doesn't it?!" Bob exclaimed triumphantly.

"Well I guess there's breathing space." Ben reluctantly admitted, "But I still don't think the first one was that bad."

"Yes it was."

"No it wasn't."

"Was too!"

"Nu-uh!"

Yeah, really lame examples but you get the idea. :3 Also, this section is just way too short, even for a prologue. I mean, that looks like something you typed out in five minutes using your quick reply box. Good writing takes a lot of time and thought, especially writing short since you've got to compress so much into such little space. Really, don't rush the creative process. I'd strongly suggest reading the Pokémon Fanfiction Writing Guide (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=46646) and the Basic Pokémon Writing FAQ (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=29844) to get a better view of what a good fanfic needs. I'd also suggest starting out with something other than second person; that's a very tricky narrative to pull off in a way that people like. Heck, the only time I've ever liked it is in Saffire Persian's fics.

Oh, and for the record: it's prologue, not prolouge. Misspelled titles are a huge turn-off for readers, so make sure to double-check those.