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Loki
July 15th, 2007, 10:52 AM
THERE DID I SPELL IT RIGHT THIS TIME AE?! >OOOOO *is paranoid about being criticised about my spelling, especially when it's in an obvious place like the title. x_x;;;*

Anyway, this is where the criticisms teachers give will go, this is where questions will go, and this is where general comments not including me and AE's "SPAHLLING-WTF" fest will go.

:3

Alter Ego
July 16th, 2007, 12:52 AM
Yeah, you got it right this time around. Guess third time's the charm, eh Jyukai? ;D

Anyways, yeah...no crits yet, obviously, but when I get around to it I'll let you all know in a small OOC in the actual RP as I'm not enough of an optimist to think that everyone is going to be keeping track of the OOC thread.

Oh, and if you want to notify about having finished/edited your sign-up then please do it here and not in the main thread, m'kay? :3

Scarlet Weather
July 16th, 2007, 03:49 PM
Fine, be that way. *Notifies*

And yes, I know that my sign-up auto-assumes senior, but that's what I wanted in the first place anyway. And like I promised, he's evil. Very, very evil. He's so evil that D&D would have had to create an entirely new evil alignment for him called "insanely crazed evil". I tell you, evil rocks! Evil! Evil!!!111!!!

*stops*

And now you know why ACC isn't a teacher. xD *shot'ed for hyperspamming*

Chibi-chan
July 16th, 2007, 05:52 PM
Fine, be that way. *Notifies*

And yes, I know that my sign-up auto-assumes senior, but that's what I wanted in the first place anyway. And like I promised, he's evil. Very, very evil. He's so evil that D&D would have had to create an entirely new evil alignment for him called "insanely crazed evil". I tell you, evil rocks! Evil! Evil!!!111!!!

*stops*

And now you know why ACC isn't a teacher. xD *shot'ed for hyperspamming*

...being a teacher isn't everything. Honestly, you're giving me that kind of vibe. If this is a learning RP, everyone learns, right? Jyukai said it herself that she can improve, and she's a teacher herself. If you think you should be one, then just prove yourself with your posts as an eighth year D: Sorry, but I just needed to say that...just pointing out something I've noticed in..a lot of your recent posts...

BTW, if everyone doesn't understand the outfit of my character, read my entire sign-up and you may find my character easier to visually comprehend ;P Also, is there a deadline for signups? .o.

Loki
July 16th, 2007, 06:20 PM
I'm going to set one. *lulz, I haven't even finished mine. I really need to.*

How about... This wednesday? ^^ And then we can get started?

Edit-ching: Yaaay, I finished my sign-up.

And also...

It doesn't really matter if someone mentions being a teacher a lot Chibi-chan! ^^ It's kind of like the modding thing? Ask more, less chance? *cruelly blunt*

^^

And also, I was thinking about it last night, because I got really mad, so... I don't think I take criticism very well. x< Err, it'd go something like this:

Critic: You should add a little more description about what happens when you move around.
Me: Oh, really? Well you should add a little more description about what happens when you shove it up your... butt! Tch! I got a n00b on my tail telling me what to do. Go back to the pitiful hole you came from.

^ Main reason why Bijyu is a teacher.

Bijyu is not a very pleasant person. :<

Chibi-chan
July 16th, 2007, 06:52 PM
Probably so.

Just need to finish my RP Sample. *wants to copypasta* Wednesday sounds good. I can't wait to start this =w= PEOPLE HURRY UP PLZ ;o;

Loki
July 16th, 2007, 06:53 PM
Ah? We can't CP? *sweatsweat*

Uhhh uhhhhhh... uhhh...

OF COURSE WE CAN. >O *Shotshotshotshotshotshotshotshot*

Chibi-chan
July 16th, 2007, 08:06 PM
And also, I was thinking about it last night, because I got really mad, so... I don't think I take criticism very well. x< Err, it'd go something like this:

Critic: You should add a little more description about what happens when you move around.
Me: Oh, really? Well you should add a little more description about what happens when you shove it up your... butt! Tch! I got a n00b on my tail telling me what to do. Go back to the pitiful hole you came from.

^ Main reason why Bijyu is a teacher.

Bijyu is not a very pleasant person. :<

Silly Bell. You just make a character that fits around that! Like I did! XD That's the fun thing I loved to create about this character; Illya's not well suited for criticism either, so be prepared from 50 questions from Illya before you think of anything ;P

IC: I mean seriously, I'm absolutely wonderful in my word choice and you'll never find a typo on me, ever! You can call me what? Oh yes, Mary-Sue!~ Oh ho ho~♪

Alter Ego
July 17th, 2007, 03:11 AM
Oh, you lazy peoples...now you made me copy-paste a sample too. I hope you're proud of yourselves. >O

Wednesday start sounds fine to me, although the number of 7ths/juniors - judging by these profiles - is disturbingly low. (I mean, it doesn't really make sense for Junior and Senior to be taught the same things, but holding a one-on-one class is also sort of...meh, we'll see how it goes I suppose. :3) Anyway, any grand ideas on the start-up posts, Jyukai? We need to assemble the folks at the beginning (for first impressions and whatnot) so maybe some sort of welcoming ceremony that everyone has to attend? And there could be speeches. Because for some reason the school people always start out the year with speeches. xD Was also thinking that since we currently only have two teachers and they're both different genders, they could sort of be supervisors (one for male dorm, the other for the female); another way to get the teaches introduced and give them a license to meddle with anyone and everyone. ;D

But yeah, if you've got a different idea feel free to go with it. Just figured that we should have a mutual understanding of how this thing is getting kicked off. :3

Oh, and that's an important point about the teachers; do we criticize each other or what? (Giving ourselves criticism might not be very productive) I'm certainly all for it. ^^ Well, while I'm on the topic of criticism: I plan on giving my first round after people have made their opening posts, subject: profile and opening post, because first impressions are important. *NodNod*

Scarlet Weather
July 17th, 2007, 03:31 AM
I know being a teacher isn't everything. ACC is just a jealous kid who hates it that somebody else came up with this great idea first.

Lesee... ooh. Wednesday? I'm gonna be at Monticello/Montpelier, whichever my parents decide we want to go to, so I'm going to miss the opening posts, probably. Aw, man...

Alter Ego
July 17th, 2007, 04:10 AM
And just when I had gotten to say 'two teachers' I noticed Iruka's sign-up. *Shot* Yay for being back at the original number, though. More teachers means a wider scope of comments. :3

Anyhow, that seriously sucks about the timing, ACC. Is it a long trip? Because you know, if it's only like a brief visit then maybe we could wait a little. But yeah, I guess you could either hope for an early start or plan a late entry. (Ohh...Mr. 'I'm-so-much-eviler-than-chaotic-evil arriving late to school? Right after he's been promoted to senior? That could have potential. xD)

Loki
July 17th, 2007, 09:03 AM
WELCOME TO RIVEN ACADEMY. THERE IS NO "I" IN TEAMWORK. THAT IS ALL.

:3

Anyway, there doesn't seem to be many first or second years because I'm not putting people up on the list until they finish their sign-ups.

And I also realized that I can't do wednesday either, because my bro's going back to college on wednesday. :/

Soo, let's lengthen it to Thursday? *shot* Or we could keep it on Wednesday, and ONCE AGAIN dump all the work on AE, let AE or Iruka do the opening post? (The school IS AE's, after all.)

So yeah, get in your sign-ups ladies and gents. :< Hurry hurry, step right up?

[off-topic] AE can have a permanent -chan nickname because he's done so much work. ^^ Tere-chan! >D[/off-topic]

Alter Ego
July 17th, 2007, 09:23 AM
WELCOME TO RIVEN ACADEMY. THERE IS NO "I" IN TEAMWORK. THAT IS ALL.

:3

True, but if you look close enough you'll find an 'M' and an 'E'. *Shot for irrelevance*

Anyway, there doesn't seem to be many first or second years because I'm not putting people up on the list until they finish their sign-ups.

And I also realized that I can't do wednesday either, because my bro's going back to college on wednesday. :/

Soo, let's lengthen it to Thursday? *shot* Or we could keep it on Wednesday, and ONCE AGAIN dump all the work on AE, let AE or Iruka do the opening post? (The school IS AE's, after all.)

So yeah, get in your sign-ups ladies and gents. :< Hurry hurry, step right up?

Well, off the top of my head we've also got Chigiri, ACC, and Chibi-chan at least (all of them finished). I think the only ones who have posted but not finished their forms are Iruka (still a sample short) and Rena, but if we're a teacher short as well then I see no reason to rush it onto Wednesday. Thursday it is, then. I mean, it's sort of odd for the thread creator not to be present when things start, regardless of who wrote the plot. Although of course if some peoples over here are going all 'Nooo I want someone to gawk at my writing and criticize everything to bits right now!' when reading this I supposed I could get started on the profile comments tomorrow. Sort of keeping things in motion. :3 Oh, and people: if you would shamelessly advertise this in your signatures it would be much appreciated *Pokes own signature* just trying to get the word out, you know? ;D

[off-topic] AE can have a permanent -chan nickname because he's done so much work. ^^ Tere-chan! >D[/off-topic]

For realz? O.O *Moved* Now I can die happy. Well, after I'm done teaching, anyways. :3

Scarlet Weather
July 17th, 2007, 09:56 AM
[QUOTE]Anyhow, that seriously sucks about the timing, ACC. Is it a long trip? Because you know, if it's only like a brief visit then maybe we could wait a little. But yeah, I guess you could either hope for an early start or plan a late entry. (Ohh...Mr. 'I'm-so-much-eviler-than-chaotic-evil arriving late to school? Right after he's been promoted to senior? That could have potential. xD)QUOTE]

Yes... that does have potential. Though chaotic evil does bring to mind images of a mass-murderer... I'd say he's more "School bully evil". Yeah, don't worry about postponing, I'll only be gone through the afternoon, so when I get back everyone else will probably have everything completed and I can do my "late entry".

Zaiku
July 17th, 2007, 12:16 PM
I am NOT going to leave Chigiri alone in Year 7 if no one else signs up. Bottom line. If no one else signs up, sorry Zaiku, but I'll be moving you on down to Year 7. What the heck? Is Chigiri the only one who's got enough backbone to sign-up knowing he'll be in Year 7?? Where are all you other cowardly RPer's who need more help then him in the first place? >O

No, plaeze, imA nota teh n00b!

But if that is what must be done, so be it. I guess that means I am the n00biest senior...

XP

But didn't Omnireaper ask for a reservation? You said he would be in year 7. I also remember him saying he was fine with it. So I have my hopes up...

Loki
July 17th, 2007, 12:25 PM
Not sure about Omnireaper. I know that I would very very much like to drag a few certain members here in a Year 0, but that'll be up to them.

And being in Year 7 doesn't make you a n00b. o o;

Chigiri is far from a n00b. Trust me. If Chigiri was a n00b, I'd be more then happy to stick him alone in Year 7 all by his little lonesome. *My hopes would be that said n00b would leave* But he's not a n00b, so I may have to stick you with him. :< Too many Year 8's.

Scarlet Weather
July 17th, 2007, 03:12 PM
Hmm... that is the question. What defines a "n00b"? Is it simply one phenomenally less skilled then oneself, or is it something of great and terrible power that only pretends idiocy? [/Attempt at being all philosophical]

Okay, missed Jyu-sensei's post, so I guess I can do Thursday. I'm still probably going to do the whole "arrive late" thing mainly because now I'm hooked on the idea, and I can already see it being carried out by Eran, plus it gives me time to be la-zy...

(Tere? Where on earth did Tere come from?)

Anyway, to get on topic, I have a question about the actual world of the RP. Tere-sensei, I seem to remember you mentioning that making an inanimate object come to life would fall under the category of creation magic or something like that, which is one of three forbidden branches. What are the other two?

Mr.Altosax
July 17th, 2007, 03:14 PM
I'm not actually in the RP, but I did post a lot while everyone was trying to think of what we were doing to revive the RP section...and I think that made people believe that I would be in the RP. I was going to, but I need a break from the site, so I'm just posting here so there's not confusion on why I'm not posting a signup.

Loki
July 17th, 2007, 03:26 PM
Alter Ego.

And, unfortunately, I will state it here officially:

Nobody may use Tere-chan's nickname. >O I'll let this once slide, ACC ;<

n00b can apply to anything, but to me, generally, it means: Annoying person.

It's simply a more degrading way of saying it. *shruuugggg*

Also, thanks for clearing that up Mr.Altosax. ^^

Phanima
July 17th, 2007, 05:06 PM
You don't need to reply here, but for whoever is reviewing "position pending" sign-ups in the RP, I'd just like to note for my sign-up, that I'd be content with any position/grade given, since I have yet to be placed.

Zaiku
July 18th, 2007, 01:11 AM
Ok, fine then, I'm not teh n00b and stuff...
Ayway, I see another person has joined who got year 7 ranking. (Well, they are still pending, but whatever)
I guess that would mean I'm senior again, right?
On a side note, I made a new picture of Ace Bladia, clicky here (http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/8171/ace21hl5.png)!
I'd say it is MUCH better than my old one, so I editted my sign up's char-pic.

Edit: Oh, and people: if you would shamelessly advertise this in your signatures it would be much appreciated *Pokes own signature* just trying to get the word out, you know? ;D

Well AE, I've advertised the RP to the max. Considering I themed my self after my RP character and replaced my theme of *gasps out of shock* Soul Calibur, I've done my part... To the max!!!!!!

People should do as I've done, if they don't, they will be shot by Sniper Pidgeys! >O

*Shot by a sniper Pidgey*

Scarlet Weather
July 18th, 2007, 03:13 AM
Wait, I said Tere-sensei, and you clearly stated that AE's nickname was Tere-chan, Jyu-sensei! *shot for legalistic nonsense*

Okay then, that still leaves my question unanswered. It might be a good idea to reveal what our characters can and cannot do in terms of magic before we start off.

(Umm... the whole "n00b" thing was a rhetorical question, Jyu-sensei, but you can answer it if you want...)

Rena
July 18th, 2007, 09:16 AM
~ Miki finished her sign-up, so yeah, just letting you know. [/short post.]

Loki
July 18th, 2007, 09:48 AM
Tere-anything is copyrighted to Jyukai because she says so. < <

Are you an avid Rp-er? Do you suck and don't think you do? If so, then look below!

^LUL!!!!!!


Anyway, I think it's time for AE's Sign-up crits. :x Sounds like FUUUUUUUUUUUN HAAAAPPY TIME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. xD

Alter Ego
July 18th, 2007, 10:05 AM
Yay, we've got juniors/7ths. Also, I noticed your valiant efforts, Zaiku. Most commendable, so...have an almond of awesomeness. *Gives almond* Don't eat it, though; it's only on loan. =O

Anyways, I promised comments on the profiles, so comment is what I shall do. Jyukai controls the lists, though, so you'll have to wait for her for approvals and placings. :3 Now then, let's see what we have here...

@Zaiku: Good, solid profile. You've covered all the essentials in both appearance and personality and the sample is equally good. (Less experienced peoples: this is what I'm going on about when I rave about standards >O) Personally, I also find the idea of a good old-fashioned feudal nation amidst the technology boom interesting. The only thing that struck me was that the family's decision to make a full lifestyle change was a bit sudden. I mean, earlier on his father in particular was proud about his son wanting to become a warrior, and now he wants to give that up? A bit of elaboration on the family's feelings surrounding this decision - particularly Ace's. He's a budding warrior and now he's told that they want to live in the peaceful modern world? I'd imagine that that's quite a big piece of news. - would have added depth. Like I said, though: this is not to say that there's anything wrong with the profile as is; I'm mostly trying to come up with suggestions for making something good better. Another that comes to mind is your use of language. I see that you're sticking to simple sentence structures and narrative techniques which you can handle, and that's good, but you seem to be skilled enough at trying your hand with some of the trickier ones as well. Consider using some more complex sentences (I.e. Less full stops, more connective punctuation like commas and semi-colons) and literary devices (such as metaphora and similes) to develop a clearer narrative voice and relieve the slight choppiness that parts of your writing suffer from; sometimes you have to experiment a little in order to improve so try them on for size and if they aren't your thing then act accordingly. :3 A word of warning, though: first tries with new literary devices and the like can end up less than elegant, so if you choose to go for this be prepared to put a bit more re-reading and revising effort than usual into your posts. Regardless, that's a clean 'A' for effort and attitude on your part. ;D

@Rena: I just noticed that you had finished your profile. Sorry, but I just don't have the time or energy for more criticism today. I'll get it done tomorrow, though; promise. :3

@Jyukai: Utterly worthless, dunce class is for you! >O Yeah, that part was practically compulsory. Seriously, you're making this hard on me on purpose. Essential points are all covered in appearance, personality, and history and you're obviously paying attention to tone both within the sample and out, making the profile itself an enjoyable read. Use of language is varied and relevant so content-wise I really can't fault you (because honestly, I couldn't describe that shoe either). One thing I'll say, though: you're overworking those poor commas and at times it's disrupting the flow of your writing. To give an example:

Sanza was once a true vision of purity, her personality, was flawless, even if her appearance was a little shabbier then everyone else's

See how those commas are chopping up the sentence? The only one you really need is the one after 'purity'. Personally, I'd also axe the 'was' before 'flawless' since it would still be grammatically correct but a bit more elegant, but that's a point of semantics. Optionally, you could change the first comma into a semi-colon and the get rid of the comma after 'personality'. Commas are tricky to master since there seem to be more exceptions than rules, but as a rule of thumb: re-read your sentences nice and slow after typing everything out once. That way the redundant commas should stick out as they interrupt the reading just a little. Other than that, you really haven't given me much to pick on. Good job, as expected. :3

@Chigiri: Content-wise, well done, but the presentation...sorry, that's not quite as good. Fist off is the paragraphing issue Jyukai mentioned, I used to have problems with this too but you've really just got to assemble the patience to hit 'Enter' once in a while; it does a world of good for the tidiness and clarity of your posts. Second, you seem to have a problem with spell checker residue, with typos such as 'waste' instead of 'waist' and 'fallow' instead of 'follow'. Unfortunately, no spell checker in the world can help you with this so you'll just have to go about it the hard way; re-read your posts properly and machine-based mistakes like this should become obvious. When in doubt; consult a dictionary. Finally, as with Zaiku, you're posts are suffering from a bit of choppiness because of the way you structure your sentences. Give complex structures a go. ;3 Coolness points for the neat made-up country and using a sample with your own character.

@Chibi-chan: What can I say? Like the character, like the picture, and can't for the life of me find anything wrong with the profile content-wise (Except that you were lazy with the sample, but that would be hypocritical). Style has also been established, so good for you. I'll get back to you when I find something constructive to say.

@ACC: Yeah, same thing basically, except that I'm going to give you a light but poignant reprimand about the 'History' field. I know histories are a pain at times, but it won't get any better if you just hide from them, so really...for future reference try paying extra attention to anything labeled 'History'. You've got the necessary stuff in there, but nothing beyond that which leaves it dwarfed in comparison to the rest. Other than that, good job. :3

@Phanima: Eighth is what your character is geared towards so eighth is what you get, and a strong eight it is. Very good profile quality all around (*Cough* ACC, take notes *Cough*). The only thing that really struck me here was the indent paragraphing in your sample; it's not directly wrong, but it would be great if you paragraphed with a full empty line at all times since it makes it look a bit neater. That's just a subjective viewpoint, though. ^^

@Iruka: Going to wait for the sample before I dare to say anything. xD

@Manaphy1128: since you seem to have problems with the profile this will be long. First off, spacing; leave a space after every punctuation mark. That's basic grammar. Your sentence structuring could also use some work; rather than typing out a lot of fragmented statements like in the appearance, try to make it a unified whole (Sort of as if you were telling a story about how your character looks). Also, never start a sentence with 'and', that's something only poets and famous novelists get away with; unfair, but true. Also, try to cut down on parenthesis remarks as they clutter up your writing. A few of them is okay; having them all over the place is not. Replacing some of the 'she's with another expression such as your character's name. Also, make sure that you cover everything essential about your character's appearance (as it is, we have no idea of what color her skin or eyes are, what shape the face is, if there are any particular characteristics or oddities that distinguish her from others etc.); the more details you give the better we can picture your character.

We also seem to have a slight setting clash. Electricity is a new thing in Riven, thus video games don't exist (Heck, they don't even have electric lighting yet). This is also not set in the real world, so referencing to a real-world manga is sort of not a very good thing. Overall, use this:

Likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, quirks, habits, fears, hopes, and ambitions.

as a checklist for what should be addressed in 'personality' in some way. Currently, we've established a bit of likes and a bit of quirks but that's about it. We're going to need some more specifics: is she social or withdrawn? Loud or quiet? Temperamental or calm? Lazy or energetic? What's her favorite color? Does she have a sense of humor? 'Like a tomboy' in itself won't cover everything since there are many kinds of tomboys, and - come to think of it - this doesn't say that she's a tomboy in every respect, and if she isn't then some explanation as to what the non-tomboyish things are would be in order.

On the history: there is nothing universally 'normal' (my view of normal is probably different from yours). So normal for what? A high-born rich kid like Illya or a feudal-origin type like Ace? Try starting out with what social class she comes from, what kind of setting she grew up in (Posh mansion? Suburb? Mental institution? Cardboard box in someone's attic? It makes a huge difference.). What do her parents do for a living? How's her relationship with them? Does she have siblings? What about other family members? Why did she decide on studying magic in the first place? What was she like as a kid? Did she have friends? Anything about her childhood which she remembers particularly clearly or that changed her attitude about something? It doesn't need to be big and complicated; mundane events can be just as relevant.

Overall, I'd suggest taking a look at the other peoples' sign-ups here to see what kind of things you can mention in your profile, but I think this is enough to work on for one go. Don't be discouraged by the workload and feel free to ask if I left something unclear. ^-^

@Shaydeh: Mmmhmmm...it's pretty compact, but in reference to my earlier statement I can't hold that against you now, can I? xD What you have written is certainly written well, but I'm left wishing there was a bit more of it (particularly at 'History' field. Maybe a bit of elaboration on what his coddled life was like, how and when he started exhibiting his metrosexual tendencies etc.) Definitely 8th year material, though. :3


Anyways: Fallen Angel and Rena: sorry but I don't have the time to finish my comments on your profiles today, so you'll have to wait a bit longer. They're on their way, though. I may also go more in depth on some of you then, as I may have overlooked some things. :3

Loki
July 18th, 2007, 10:23 AM
Sanza was once a true vision of purity, her personality, was flawless, even if her appearance was a little shabbier then everyone else's

LUL THAT SOUNDS REALLY FUNNEH. XDDDDD *shotshot*

*cough* I mean, I am offended Tere-chan. >O

lul Anyway, yeah, I have a tendency to overuse comma's. :< I need to learn how to use a semi-colon. Maybe I'll ask my english teacher in the future. I'm pretty sure that that one instance was because I left to go eat, and when I came back, I'd totally forgotten what I did. xD As for the other cases, that was probably just my mistakes completely. YOSH. CUT DOWN ON COMMA'S. >D

Anyway, I think that since we have 4 teachers, and 13 RPers in total, since Dreamxweever or something like that is signing-up today.

So hows this look?

Alter Ego:
Manaphy
Phanima

Iruka:
Fallen
Shaydeh

Miku-chan:
Zaiku
Dreemxweever

Meh:
Chigiri
ACC
Chibi-chan

Each one of us has two people, me with three because I've been dumping work on everyone else, I thought I should finally bear some weight. *Yosh. Now to really get on my toes. HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH CHIBI-CHAN'S POSTS??! ;A;* Those can be like, our 'groups', to criticise. If any of the teachers find something the other teacher missed, then they can say that too.

Also, if one teacher has to leave, or is not here for more then 2 days, then the other teachers have liberty to take over until the AWOL teacher comes back.

Yazzez?

Chibi-chan
July 18th, 2007, 11:39 AM
You don't need to find something wrong :P Criticism isn't always bad you know! .o. I'm just here to annoy you teachers. Constructive doesn't always mean negative! >:3
I'm looking for a fun RP though~

Zaiku
July 19th, 2007, 02:22 AM
Alter Ego: Ok, I editted my sign up to make the migration to Riven logical and several other modifications to the history section.

I also wanted to ask, do the senior students all know each other? I mean they all went through year 7 together, so should we make it so that they all know eachother?

Alter Ego
July 19th, 2007, 05:58 AM
Nyu, the masterplan works with me, Jyukai. One problem, though; we've now got JBC, dreemxweever, and this saint person who has yet to post as well, not to mention Omni who said he'd join, (lawl, slowly but surely we're dragging the whole section into this. Brilliant. xD), so who's handling who?

Anyways, since the two I didn't have time with yesterday are now outside my immediate jurisdiction; d'ya want my comments? :3

Rena
July 19th, 2007, 06:07 AM
Yesh plz, Alter-tan, for the comments :3. Well, as for the other players.

Alter-tan.
Manaphy.
Phanima.
A new player 1.

Iru-chan.
Fallen.
Shaydeh.
New player 2.

Me-chan.
Zaiku
Dreemxweever.
New player 3.

Jyu-jyu-tan.
Chigiri.
ACC.
Chibi-chan.

Scarlet Weather
July 19th, 2007, 07:41 AM
@Phanima: Eighth is what your character is geared towards so eighth is what you get, and a strong eight it is. Very good profile quality all around (*Cough* ACC, take notes *Cough*). The only thing that really struck me here was the indent paragraphing in your sample; it's not directly wrong, but it would be great if you paragraphed with a full empty line at all times since it makes it look a bit neater. That's just a subjective viewpoint, though. ^^

HOW DARE YOU! *Commits career suicide*

Yeah, I'm not so good at history. I can whip up a character with personality, appearance, etc. without much trouble, but when it comes to backstories I'm completely at a loss, especially in a world created by somebody else, like Riven. So I'll do better next time, yesh. *bows out*

(Wait a minute, Alter-sensei still hasn't answered my question!)

Alter Ego
July 19th, 2007, 08:15 AM
Nyu, yes I figured we would split the people evenly; I was sort of getting at who takes who. :3

Anyways, comments you wanted so comments you shall have:

@Rena: *Gasp* I just noticed; you didn't give an age for your character. Please correct that otherwise your sign-up isn't complete. :O *Shot for asking for a lady's age* Beyond that, you've certainly done a thorough job with the profile content-wise but I see quite a bit of grammatical issues here.

1. Simple misspellings. That's 'ambidextrous' and 'heterochromatic' (Hetero = different, Chromatic = of color). And as a side note: for something to be a reincarnation of something else, that something else needs to have died/been destroyed at some point; I believe the term you're looking for is just 'incarnation' (=embodiment). Posh words need to be spelled and used right, otherwise it sort of dampens the effect. ;3

2. You're mixing up adverbial phrases quite a bit (For instance, it should be 'as such'; not 'as so' and 'exposure to'; not 'in' unless she's got a record of indecent exposure. x_O) and also have a tendency to stick in words that just have no purpose where they are, for instance:

This usually calls for some humor between her classmates, labeling Dahli as a he-she, a boy, a male, or even worse, Dahrion, a boy’s name

The 'as' is just plain redundant. It should also be something like "between her classmates, who have labled" because as it is the sentence implies that the call for humor is doing the labeling...which seems a bit odd. o.O

And so, Dahli has a odd quirk of not eating to much, though has caused her small, petite body.

I can't for the life of me understand where that 'though' came from. o.O Come to think of it, what's your native language? The type of grammatical issues this profile suffers from tends to be caused by a sort of word-by-word translation of adverbs and idioms (which doesn't work since every language connects them differently). I'm also sort of leery-eyed about the use of 'caused' here; which brings me to point number...

3. Your sentence structuring. Many points of your profile - while grammatically acceptable - seem to be conveying a message other than the intended one (see the 'exposure' example above). For instance:

a wreath that graces Dahli’s graceful complexion, with red berries amongst them, she then creates a breakfast for the other of the family, lucky Dahli.

Because of the way you ordered it, red berries are apparently part of Dahli's 'graceful complexion'. To convey what I presume to be the intended message (that the red berries are part of the wreath which graces Dahli's complexion) it should be something like "a wreath with red berries in it, which graces Dahli's graceful complexion". 'amongst them' doesn't work since there's only one wreath (This is what literature geeks like me call a concord error). If it was 'a wreath of *insert plural form of whatever the wreath is made of*' then this sentence would be correct. Another serious problem here is that you're misplacing your full stops, resulting in fragmented sentences. Continuing with this same sentence since the problem is there as well: what is along with the wreath? In a similiar vein:

Never worrying about a belt or anything else similar to hold them up.

Who's never worrying? Also, this is an adverbial phrase and thus requires another to either preceed or follow up after it.The rule of thumb is that the words between two full stops must be understandable without any help from the other sentences, but because these questions are left unanswered the sentence doesn't meet the requirements (since we don't get to know what the wreath is 'along' with or who's 'never worrying'). Thus, "Why yes, I do like pineapple smoothies." is fully correct, but "And on Sundays too." is not because we don't get to know what is 'on Sundays too' from just that sentence (and thus the message is left unfinished). I'm afraid that exceptions to this are only made for poetry, so pay attention to that when you're writing. :3 Also, make sure to distinguish between plural (no apostrophe) and possesive (with apostrophe) forms of nouns because there's a quite large amount of mix-ups between them.

Finally, there's just a small stylistic issue: repetition. This profile alone is enough to prove that you have a wide vocabulary, but for some reason you're not using it as much as you should. Dahli's name is repeated a lot here (Check how many sentences start with 'Dahli', specifically how many of them you find in a row). If the same word occurs too frequently it makes your writing sound repetitive, which - while not a crime - is stylistically bad. Also, beware the words that look and sound similar (for instance, grace and graceful in the wreath quote which has now officially been analyzed to death).

Umm...yeah, that's about it. It turned longer than expected since I had to quote some things to clear it up. Basically, it's a lot of small things compounding to create a bigger problem. The odd thing is that - in other parts - you seem to have little to no problems with the very same things. o.O


(Wait a minute, Alter-sensei still hasn't answered my question!)

How dare a mere eighth year drag such a thing up?! Don't presume to pester a teacher, plebian! We answer only what we feel like answering! >O (J/K of course. Hands up: who thought I had gone drunk with my supposed 'power' back there? xD) Seriously, I just forgot about it, but yes; it would be preferable if people would declare the general nature of their character's spellcasting and what kind of magic they're good and bad at (Transforming objects, transforming yourself, and creating illusions being the three main kinds), but since I didn't add that as a requirement...*Shrug* Oh well, like I said: preferable. As can be seen from the profile, mine is very strictly no-flash self-transformation, although he's also pretty good with transforming objects. His illusions aren't that great, though, since he's a bit unimaginative (not to mention that he used to think of them as a waste of time when he was still at his best learning age).

Loki
July 19th, 2007, 09:00 AM
:O

Illusions fits perfectly for Sanza.

Anyway, I don't think you went powah crazee, we must point out every crucial detail and point. >D

JBCBlank... or Saint... Hmmm...

I think I'll stick Saint of Hope with you, since from what JBC's said here and in other threads, he doesn't seem to be... too familiar with roleplaying. :<


Alter Ego:
Saint of Hope [if he comes, if not, JBC]

Iruka:
JBCBlank [If Saint of Hope doesn't come, then dreemxweever]

Miki-chan:
dreemxweever [logic skills here. xD]

JBCBlank
July 19th, 2007, 03:15 PM
There I added my Sheet. Do I need to make a Sheet for Wolfy's cousin Cloud? Just wondering.

**edit**
BTW, I don't think Saint's going to show up. he's a scaredy cat.

Ok and, I guess I"ll only add a Pic of Cloud here if people really get annoyed and want to know what he looks like. but I'll try to explain it threw Wolfy's "eyes" as well as I can.

~JBCBlank

typeZERO
July 19th, 2007, 07:26 PM
I'm almost done , though it might be tonight that I finish , if that's okay.

Loki
July 19th, 2007, 08:58 PM
Tis fine.

Alter Ego, if you'd like, you can make an entrance speech or something when you have time, to start it off. ^^ Starting as of tomorrow, sign-ups will no longer be accepted if they haven't been completed~ <3

Jack O'Neill
July 19th, 2007, 09:50 PM
...Even with the admissions deadlines being pushed back constantly, I don't think I can get my own signup sheet in on time. I'm not one to spam the main thread with placeholders, so I might as well try my chances here in the OOC thread.

In other words, reserve me a spot if you can. If you can't or won't, that's fine by me. It's probably too late for me to get a reservation anyway, so if I'm wasting your time with this post, I apologize.

Alter Ego
July 19th, 2007, 11:33 PM
Ahem, guys...I'd like to draw your attention to rule number five:

5. You may join once the RP has already started, but in that case please post your sign-up in the OOC discussion to avoid clutter.


In other words, I believe the name of the game is that we take whoever can write legible English and has a will to join, so I don't quite comprehend this reservation craze. If you don't have your profile around by the time we start then you'll just be a late joiner; not shut out of the RP or anything. We've just got to set a primary deadline somewhere so we can actually start this thing. :3

Unless, of course, the other teachers object to this? =O

Anyways, speech you say? You mean like an IC introductory type thing or an OOC? Either is fine by me, although Barian will probably be less thrilled by the prospect of holding a speech. xD

Loki
July 20th, 2007, 08:30 AM
Ahem, guys...I'd like to draw your attention to rule number five:



In other words, I believe the name of the game is that we take whoever can write legible English and has a will to join, so I don't quite comprehend this reservation craze. If you don't have your profile around by the time we start then you'll just be a late joiner; not shut out of the RP or anything. We've just got to set a primary deadline somewhere so we can actually start this thing. :3


Hmm... then why did we even hav- Oh. Right, well, that works. Shame shame Bijyu, you weren't paying attention to the rules! :x

*Does that shame shame thing with fingers. Whatever that's called*

Anyway, I think we're ready to start though, right?

Alter Ego
July 20th, 2007, 08:42 AM
I'm ready at least. So feel free to fire away whenever. Ooor...do something more eloquently phrased. xD

Phanima
July 21st, 2007, 01:42 AM
The timing of this RP has put me off schedule quite a bit. I start the second semester of uni the day after tomorrow, so my dedication to this RP will be minimal, if not non-existant for the first few days/week, hopefully this will be the worse case scenario.

So I'd just like to mention that my character won't be at orientation, but I'll try to apply for a transfer to the academy during the first few days. ^^

Oh, and these groups you have us in with the teachers, are these groups like actual classes outside of classes type thing, like private tutoring, or is it just a reference to who'll be failing me on the exam?

Anyways, I'll see you guys in class. .3.

EDIT: Don't postpone if you don't want to. You can start whenever.

Loki
July 21st, 2007, 09:18 AM
Well... alright...

I GUESS I'LL START IT THEN, BUT REALLY. >O I refuse to do the orientation speech.

*shotshot*

Edit-ching: Naw. Can't double post, and I have to go feed my neighbor's dog. I'll be back later.

Chibi-chan
July 21st, 2007, 09:29 AM
HURRYUPWITHYOURRPSIGNUPJACKORI'LLKILLYOUANDYOUBETTERJOINEVENTUALLYOURILLREALLYKILLYOUD:<

Yeah, I thought this would start on Wendsday actually, and I'm not going to be here next week through just about Monday till Thursday sooo, Illya might miss orientation too. I'll be able to fit this into her personality though if she doesn't make it but...she'd like to be there >:

Alter Ego
July 21st, 2007, 11:20 PM
Nyu, no worries...I'll handle the big introduction thing just as soon as we get some sort of general start (Like, everyone has to assemble wherever), but of course - my character being what he is - the speech might not be the most eloquent thing ever. xD

Anyways, how about you just double post then delete the original (turning it into a single post)? It's technically not thread bumping since it's just drawing people's attention to the new post, and you're the mod anyway so who's going to have the guts to report you? xD

Loki
July 22nd, 2007, 11:34 AM
But that's wrong! ;A; *I've gotten on people's cases for that* I thought about it, but I don't want to bump the thread. Anyway, I'll post once I'm actually 'allowed' on the computer, my mom said that because we got the Harry Potter book today I'm not allowed on the computer. *sneaking on*

And what's ironic is that she won't give me the book. *is extremely pissed off*

I would ask Iruka to delete her post, but it'll give me the chance to post without double posting.

WTF PEOPLE, CAN YOU NOT READ THE POSTS ABOVE?!?! POST SIGN-UP UPDATES IN THIS GOSH DARNED THREAD.

*huff puff huff puff*

Alter Ego
July 22nd, 2007, 11:09 PM
*Whimper* Yessum. Read posts. Gotcha. o.o

And I thought I went rabid about stuff like that. xD Anyways, I guess you could just plain make an edit when you get your privileges back and just inform us about it in this thread when you're done. No nasty bumping involved; that better? :3

And my mum is hogging the book too. Although fortunately she hasn't given me any computer bans. ^-^

Scarlet Weather
July 23rd, 2007, 03:32 AM
I don't even HAVE a mum to hog the book.

Oh wait, whoops, other way around. I mean that I don't have a hog for book to mum.... or was it a mum for book to hog? I'm confused. XD

Yeah, I haven't got the seventh book yet, mostly 'cause I didn't feel like buying it, since ten to one my Grammy will have reserved ten million copies and will be giving them out to every passerby.

Anyway, exactly when are we planning on this orientation speech? Did I miss the rescheduled "RP start date"? Or is it officially a "wait for a while until everybody's ready" as of right now? 0_o

Phanima
July 23rd, 2007, 04:00 AM
I think the RP is ready to go, except there are still a few slackers who have yet to post/complete their sign-ups, so they were told to give the updates here once the RP has started, since you can join pretty much whenever you want. Start it I say.

Alter Ego
July 23rd, 2007, 04:40 AM
By the looks of it we're in the 'wait until certain people call off their silly computer bans so that Jyukai gets back online' phase of the process. Trust me, if it was my call this would have started already but the thread creator should make the first post. =O

Chibi-chan
July 23rd, 2007, 05:28 AM
By the looks of it we're in the 'wait until certain people call off their silly computer bans so that Jyukai gets back online' phase of the process. Trust me, if it was my call this would have started already but the thread creator should make the first post. =O

But you made the plot :|
I already think it's a bad thing that the OOC thread is longer than the actual thread itself...nothing is ever really going to be 'perfect RP weather' so it's best just to start it and have everyone adjust...the more you put it of the less people will still want to do the RP.

Alter Ego
July 23rd, 2007, 05:58 AM
Yeah, I know, I know...I'm just not very keen on the prospect of confusing our teachers/leaving them in the dust. But yeah...I guess I might as well...*twitch*...start...but if someone is going to take a righteous smiting for this I'll claim that you people put me up to it. =O *Rushes off to type IC* Oh, and by the way: I'm going to wait for the others after the orientation speech is over and done with, so yush; no going too far before all teachers catch up. :3

Loki
July 23rd, 2007, 03:24 PM
I think it's perfectly natural for the OOC thread to be longer then the actual thread. :< Or am I just wallowing too much with the n00bies?

Either way, I'll admit I was procrastinating on the starting post, (I didn't make the plot, I have no idea how the school works. < <) But now that my computer ban has been lifted, (I let my mom read a few chapters before I took it back, thus, she was in a good mood) and now I've finished the book, I'm freer then ever.

And since Chigiri is in my group, I'll assume we post our crit's in this thread?

-------------

He shouted at the ceiling as he plunged his head upward.

'Plunged' is a strange word, though it's not wrong, it just sounds awkward... to me. *shot*

As Ven ran out of his room fully dressed and ready for the introductory, he grabbed his headband which was lieing on his droar which held his cloths.

That would be 'lying', 'drawer', and 'clothes', respectively, if I am assuming that those are the words you intended to use. I'm not entirely sure whether 'droar' was supposed to be 'door' or 'drawer'. But it sounds more like drawer.

"Hey, that must be the loud mouth we just herd, hehehe." They said as they passed by, staring and giggling at Ven.

Hahaha. Hehehe?? That sounds evillish. It suffices enough to say 'giggling', without the 'hehehe', because the 'hehehe' made me 'hahaha'. *shotshotshotshot* [/dies of laughter at my incredibly corny joke]

*ahem* Right. To the point, that would be 'heard' not 'herd'. A herd is like a group of... cows? Well, something to that extent. sheep? goats? horses?

Well, at lest I won't embarrass myself any more, now that I have my socks." Ven said as he tried to lift his own spirits.

That would be 'least' not 'lest'. Lest you use the wrong word in the wrong place, your sentence will not sound quite the same, though I am quite sure that this was a simple typo, easily overlooked.

Ven said as he tried to lift his own spirits. He then ran down to the auditorium where the introductory was being held. As he approached the entry door, he silently opened them and quietly walked to a vacant seat. [/quote

Mmm, you could've combined these two sentences. 'Ven said as he tried to lift his own spirits, running down to the auditorium whre the introductory was being held' <-- that sounds a bit smoother and is a little less bumpy.

[quote]"I hope i'm not stealing someone's seat. No, I guess it's fine. Then again, they might be seniors...Well, they wouldn't start anything with the introductory taking place so I guess it's fine." Ven began his fight with himself like always as he took a seat.

Capitalize those 'i's. Essentially, I think you could've used a comparable phrase for 'took a seat', like, 'like always as he sat down'. Because it sounds repetitive, you used the word 'seat' already. But that's not a major issue.

his body had been also choosing either to sit or stand which made him look as if he were dancing or trying to at lest.

Lest, again. :<

Lest < Least.

Đ a r κ
July 23rd, 2007, 03:43 PM
o.O I guess that's what happens when your out of school for a month and a half xD i'll edit right away.

Loki
July 23rd, 2007, 04:42 PM
^^ It's mostly just spelling errors. A lot of those wouldn't get caught with a spell checker, since 'cloths' and 'lest' are actual words in the spell checker.

Just either read over your post once you done, or, work a little slower to make sure you don't have to read over it again if you're lazy, like me. Anyway, I'm going to re-copy the groups into this post.

Teachers are free to point out comments on any post, as I said earlier, but wait until the respective teacher has said what they want to say before you start pointing out the student's mistakes left and right. And like Tere-chan said earlier, Teachers can crit other teacher's posts if they find something wrong with it.

Alter Ego:
Manaphy
Phanima
JBCBlank

Iruka:
Fallen
Shaydeh
dreemxweever

Miku-chan:
Zaiku
OmniReaper (Once he's finished his sign-up.)
Fallen Angel Messiah of Black Roses

Jyu-tan:
Chigiri
ACC
Chibi-chan

JBCBlank
July 23rd, 2007, 04:58 PM
Joy! XD the Rp starts well... *rubs hand together* me sees... great things come from this master... *goes into and Egor type accent* The plans master... we must go on... make Rp fun... and... make thing's happen.

*Gets glomped by my shadow* OUCH! ok I'll shut up... *eyes dart back and forth*

~JBCBlank

SilverTail
July 23rd, 2007, 09:20 PM
I was wondering if I could still sign up?

Full Given Name: Morofua Momoshiro
Nicknames (Optional): Momo/momoshi
Gender: Male
Age: 15 (yay! >3)

Appearance: Momo has long, shaggy silver hair, with a fringe(bangs on one side for those who dont know) of black hair over his left eye. His hair hangs down to his waist and his fringe hangs down, over his eye, to his neck. His eyes are different collored, the left(hidden) eye is a goldish color, and the right(visable) eye is blue. He usually wears a lack, or white shirt, usually with a balance symbol on the back, or the shoulders, along with a jacket, of the opposite color, with the balance symbol on the oppocite place. His pants hare the same color as his jacket, and have patches ironed onto the knees of pants, in the shape of balance logos, his shoes and socks also change, if he's wearing black pants he wears black shoes with white laces and treads, with white socks, if white pants, black socks and white shoes. All the shoes however have the same design, balance symbols on the heel of the soles, and on the outer side of the shoe's side. Along with all this, he has a long scar hidden behind his bangs, that extends from just above his eyebrow, cuts clean through it, and extends all the way down to his chin. A momento from a battle he once fought out of anger.

Personality: He's lazy, calm, and hard to bother, a real laid back guy. He has actually trained his body to remain sitting when he falls asleep, giving him the appearance of intense meditation, that way he could get some extra sleep in during meditative classes. He beileves there is good in everyone, no matter how they act, and that there is also bad in everyone, even himself. A balance such as this makes up everyone, and he has actually managed to find this balance. It keeps him from lashing out at others, but also keeps him from getting too friendly. But, dont think that just because he is balanced, that balance wont slip in an instant. It has happened before, resulting in his scar, and it could happen again.

History: Momo was always just an average kid, well, if you counted being "obsessed over balance" normal. That's what most people from his small home town thought of him, obsessed. He started training, first in physical, hand to hand combat, but, as he slowly realized, that was an unbalanced fighting style. Its opposite? Magick. (yes, with a "K") Unfortunately, in this world, the closest you could get to magick was enchanting. So, he set out to finnally find balance in himself, trying to find that acadamy that taught enchanting. in his quest he went through many villages and towns, all of which had atleast 1 person who could enchant things, sometimes to greed, such as with the gamblers in some of the larger towns, or for entertainment, such as in the shows he saw in festivals, and smaller towns, for the children and other ongoers. And, as he travled, he saw more balance. With the case of enchanting, as he had saw, it could be used for the benefit of two groups, ones self, or the others around them, but never for bolth at once. It was strange, he thought, wondering how enchanting could not walk the line, no matter how thin. untill, he came to a certain festival in a town just outside of Riven. A man was putting on a show, and in return, the croud gave him money, purely out of the good of their hearts. Now, more-so than ever, he wanted to learn to enchant.

Other (Optional): (Just in case there's something about your character that you didn't get to express above.)
RP Sample: (I'll edit this one in later. It's getting late, and I want to try to finish the 7th harry potter book tonight. how bout this, you give me a situation, and i'll go with it, like in an RP anything can happen and the RP'ers will have to go with it on a moment's notice. True? Untill then, goodnight. *bows respectuflly* and yes, when in OOC I use * as an action, sorry.)

Alter Ego
July 24th, 2007, 02:19 AM
(Um.... psst, Silvertail? You can tell about updated sign-ups here, but your actual sign-up goes in the roleplay thread...)

Umm...no it doesn't. Once the RP has started - which it has - this is precisely the right place to stick a sign-up. =O

Anyways, going to have to wait for Jyukai to sort out this one since she's in charge of the class division. :3

Comments on certain people's first posts to follow eventually. ^-^

Scarlet Weather
July 24th, 2007, 02:39 AM
WHAT? I MISSED THAT?

Okay, I officially feel like an idiot.... um, pay no attention to me, I'm running away. In the opposite direction. While singing the "I'm very sorry song". *deletes idiot post*

Loki
July 24th, 2007, 08:27 AM
^ Haaa, no worries ACC. That's the one thing I double checked after I got corrected too. xDD *we're in the idiots boat luz*

Hope you don't mind, Tere-chan, but I couldn't help but point this out.

That's what most people from his small home town thought of him, obsessed. He started training, first in physical, hand to hand combat, but, as he slowly realized, that was an unbalanced fighting style. Its opposite? Magick. (yes, with a "K") Unfortunately, in this world, the closest you could get to magick was enchanting.

I added an apostraphe to 'that's'. I also got rid of the comma after physical, though I'm not 100% positive about that one. I changed realised to realized, though I'm pretty sure that that's like color and colour? I'm not sure about that either. I also changed the comma after style to a period, to make it have a little more 'effect'. Corrected the spelling of 'opposite'. Corrected the spelling of 'the'.

I still see not why 'with a K' though, since I haven't any understanding what that has to do with anything.

I know that I overkill with comma's, but really DM, did you pick up the habit? :< Zazz no good!

Accepted, Year 7. I know you've improved already (from when I used to talk to you more. < <) but I think you've still got length's to go. Spelling, my friend, is a very important issue.

Alter Ego
July 24th, 2007, 08:53 AM
Oooh-kay...let's get cracking on the comments:

@JBC: First off, mind your tenses. If you will forgive the figure of speech, your narration is hopping back and forth between past and present tense with the frequency of a cheap, hand-held radio; that's extremely disconcerting and makes your posts hard to follow. Please stick to third person past tense, m'kay? It's best if everyone writes in the same tense. I'm sure you can find those without me harping about them at every quote. :3 Second, you don't really need bolding, and considering that it normally implies a raised voice while our subject here is a mute I think it would be better to just use the single quotations (') to signify the difference. Beyond that it's basically typos and mispunctuation, so it's weeding time:

"Late our first day... how can we be late our fist day!?" Cloud shouted right in his cousin's ear. Wolfy only closed his deep violet eyes, smiling as he leaned on his walking stick. A cool breeze blew his hair to the side. Nothing his cousin could say about being late could bother him; he was going to the academy, his happiness was so strong that not even his mother could bruise it. "It's your fault you know. You and that mouse."

That should be "late on our first day". There should also be a comma before smiling (as otherwise that sentence would imply that his eyes are smiling). Also, since the part about the breeze really has zilch to do with what comes after it it would be better off ending with a full stop instead of a comma. The next comma, on the other hand, would be better off as a semi-colon since the part after it is directly related, explaining why nothing his cousin could say bothers him. Finally, you're missing a capital in that last 'you'. :3

Stopping suddenly, Wolfy turned to where his cousin's voice had radiated from, opening his useless eyes he gave his cousin a glassy stare. Even though he couldn't see Cloud, Wolfy knew that his cousin was shifting his weight uncomfortably; the sound of shifting dirt was unmistakable, You're only here because of me. he signed, leaning his walking stick against his chest so that he could use both hands, And besides, you were the one who just had to have my mother remake breakfast.

Comma required after 'suddenly'. Also, that should be 'stare'; not 'stair'. Those are the typos you have to be careful about since a spell checker won't catch them. Re-reading a bit after you have finished the post should be enough to nail them, though. That first sentence is also a bit too exhausting with all the commas, so I'd suggest splitting it up with a full stop after 'stare'. Again, we also have a case of direct elaboration here so semi-colon instead of comma after 'uncomfortably'. The last corrections may be a bit harder to see since I can't apply bolds with the current format (another reason to switch it :O) so that's a missing capital in 'you're' and a missing comma after 'And besides'.

"You guys know that I'm..." Cloud's voice trailed off, "You're right, you're right; I shouldn't blame you for my being picky." He sighs then places his hand on his cousin's shoulder, "Let's get inside before we get into trouble."

That should be 'you're'; not 'your'. Also, I'm not sure whether the repetition was intentional or not. If it was, then that's a comma after the first one and a semi-colon after the second, otherwise it's just a comma after the one and only. Also, you're missing an 'e' in 'being' and you get 'into' trouble, not 'in' it.

Wolfy nods. He loved his cousin and knew how he acted when he didn't get what he wanted, being a vegetarian seemed to have changed him more then the family anticipated. Wolfy and Cloud continued walking through the courtyard towards the auditorium where they could hear the majority of the voices. Wolfy wondered what the grounds looked like as they walked over cool, soft grass. Cloud he signed stopping so suddenly that it took Cloud a few steps to notice that he no longer was accompanied.

Okay, that first part sort of looks like you left the first sentence unfinished and just started with the next, but in it's current state that should just be a full stop after 'nods'. There's also another typo (should be 'through'; not 'threw') and there should be a comma after 'cool' since you're listing the qualities of the grass.

"Of course they will, and if they don't I'll make them." Cloud joked, making Wolfy smile. "Don't worry so much. We have each other; isn't that all that matters?"

Okay, I had a bit of thinking to do in how this one should be punctuated, but this is the most eloquent I could manage; full stop after 'much' and semi-colon after 'each other'.

I guess. is all that Wolfy signed before starting to walk again. Cloud kept a hand on his cousin's shoulder as they transitioned from grass to a laden path, the stones under his feet were hard yet soft, and they smelt musty overpowering the smell of the fresh grass, Limestone. he signs to Cloud.

"Right cuz, Limestone. Clean white-" He stops suddenly, "Sorry, I forgot you don't know what colors really are." there was the unmistakable ring of Pity in his voice.

Full stop instead of comma after 'again'. Also, you've mixed up the possessive and plural here; that should be 'colors' without an apostrophe.

Wolfy's grip on his walking stick tightened, he hated being reminded that he was so different - he knew he was, of course, he just hated hearing it - Don't worry about it Cloud. he signs walking away from his cousin, following the sound of voices.

Okay, the sentences were sort of fragmented so I figured that turning the 'he knew' part into a full side-remark would be the best way to go. As a general thing, if you're an -ing form (such as following) then you'll need a comma in there. If the -ing is at the start of the sentence, (e.g. Mumbling incoherently) then the comma comes after it, otherwise it should preceed the -ing word, such as in this case. :3

The rest of it is basically the same things in repeat, but I don't think writing a whole essay about them is going to make things any clearer. Just re-read and you should see. Also, same as I told Rena: when deciding where to put the full stop always keep in mind that the words between two full stops must form a comprehensible message without assistance from any other sentences.

Overall, it looks mostly like mistakes of carelessness (Except possibly the tense shifts, dunno' about those. o.O), so revising your posts after you've typed them out is probably the best way to go. On a positive note: there's a good bit of content here, though, and I like the way you focused on smell. sound, and touch instead of appearances seeing as how your character is blind, so overall I think it's a good entry post. Characters seem interesting so far. :3

@Phanima: Indent paragraphs...*Twitch* Okay, I've seriously got to get over my bias. Anyways, I just noticed a little time jump here too:

Fortunately, many of these applicants are accepted, whether they have a strong foundation and knowledge in magic or not. However, on rare and unfortunate occasions, several students are also turned away from the school. Soel himself had been one of the academy’s near-miss scenarios, where his future hung in the balance of this very event of applying to the school.

Should be 'were' in both cases to stick with the past tense. This kind of present tense wouldn't be a problem in something like a plot, but in the middle of a past tense narrative? It just sounds...off. Don't think I can explain the feeling any clearer than that. x_O Anyways, just a few other things I noticed:

This was mainly because of his family’s name, and not because of his abilities and skills. This was especially apparent in his case, because for a descendant of the Mokona family, his magical powers were extremely limited and underdeveloped. This was the means of his struggle in enrolling into the academy, because even for a novice magician, his mindset and, at that time, his skills were minimal, even by Riven’s standards.

Three sentences in a row starting with 'this' - while not right out wrong - is stylistically bad. There's also a similar case with 'he' in the next paragraph (The next one separated by a full line, that is) Try using some synonyms and alternative ways of expression to add more variety to your post. Also, the last remark is kind of odd since Riven - the land of the rift - is the country magic originates from and thus would have the highest standards concerning magical skills while that remark suggests the contrary. :3

However, despite his initial reaction, he was personally looking forward to meeting several of the new students and to hopefully be just that: a role model.

Since the last part here is directly related to the one before it a colon is the way to go here.

The corridors of the boys' dormitory were still crowded by several male students who had yet to gather at the auditorium. Soel decided not to instruct them, as he had trouble voicing his opinion and more often than not, ended up embarrassing himself with nothing to say

It's a dormitory for more than one boy, thus a plural possessive is called for (and therefore the apostrophe goes after the 's'; not before), the comma after 'more often than not' is also redundant.

It was a part of a routine carried out by the school that still had Soel asking himself questions, despite his previous year’s experience in adjusting to the academy’s customs. Hopefully, the new school year would help answer some of these questions.

The 'a' in 'a part' should be kept apart from the 'part', ne? *Shot for lame pun*

Soon realising that he had been standing in the middle of the isle for more than a minute, much to calls of other students who had been gesturing him to sit down, Soel embarrassedly retreated to the end of the hall and found a vacant seat in the back row.

Umm...much to calls? o.O I'm not quite sure what word you were aiming for here, but I know that's not the right one.

Overall, good quality post as expected. The only thing I'd comment on is that there isn't that much to be found about Soel's feelings here. I mean, there's bits and pieces of it but the setting seems to be more dominant in the description so I'm left feeling like I didn't get to know that much about the boy per-say. But you know...if that's an intended effect then pay this comment no heed, just thought I'd point it out. ^^

Loki
July 24th, 2007, 09:44 AM
Oh goodness... I'll poke crits at your post later ACC, I can't read someone retching when I'm eating. *feels kind of sick already*

Shadow_Yue
July 24th, 2007, 11:17 AM
Gah! You people have these crazy huge posts up that my sign up look like a tiny flyer for a car wash. Onto the profile! Let's see if I can still sign up! -shot-

Full Given Name: Tamilia Gandrealas (Optional)

Nickname: Tami ( Tah-mee )

Gender: Female

Age: 15

Appearance: Has shoulder length, dark blue hair along with white tips. Her bangs are somewhat longer than her actual hair length. She has a slim waist but not slim enough for it to be all that noticeable. She’s not very tall only about 5’4. Has a very pale face which tends to give off a sickly appearance. Has light blue eyes that brighten her face so she doesn’t look too gloomy. Has double pierced ears so the top pierce is a small black stub and the bottom pierce is a golden half an inch hoop, on both ears. Tami’s ears are somewhat pointed, making her look like an elf. Her legs look very well built because Tami has trained herself for speed rather than strength.

Onto her clothes!
Tami feels she should be comfortable rather than look good so she wears gigantic t-shirts that have been known to have some sort of star assortment or flower on them. Along with some light brown khakis that reach her knees with a charm that has a small blacks wings on it. She normally walks outside barefoot all the while getting yelled at about how no shoes equals no service. To solve this problem Tami normally wears flip flops or sandals at the risk of being called a bum , her sandals already adding to her bummy attire. Fashion is not really something for Tami to care about and normally just puts on the first thing she comes across.

Personality: Tamilia has a very quiet personality. She isn’t one to be seen or heard mostly hanging out in the backround watching everything unfold. You can sometimes catch her making smart remarks under her breath. Tami is smart , not bookworm smart but slick smart being able to talk herself out of a lot of situations. She prefers to draw or watch the clouds since everything loud and outgoing seems to be a problem for her. She doesn’t like the sun all that much and prefers to go outside during cloudy days leaving her strength training to rare since she would rather work on her speed cloudy or not. Though she prefers dimly lit rooms to brightly lit rooms she has a fear of being completely surrounded in darkness and would prefer to be in a place that’s not very crowded but still has people there in fear of being alone. She hopes to improve her enchantment skills so that she can create an illusion of her own world in which she has complete control over for attacks or just to look at. She’s not really looking to become very famous among people and most people just know her a “ That lazy girl in the back of the room. Also she is known to be somewhat of a mess maker. Her room back home what always a mess and she only cleaned it occasionally to the point where it was an organized mess in her opinion.

History: Tamila was born in a small town near the ocean. This contributed to her lazy demeanor being able to just go out and look at it all the time. She lived with her mother and brother. Her father was victim of a terrible illness that had spread through out the village though most who had it were cured , her father wasn’t as lucky and died before a cure was found. She had only been one years old at the time and didn’t see as much of a terrible loss. Though her mother always said he was a kind and caring man and her older brother who was 4 years older than her scolded Tamilia for saying such things. Their mother died from old age leaving the two behind and the house left to them. Tamilia became much quieter after that and didn’t speak much to anyone except her brother. Her brother having been a strong man often teased her about how girls were too weak to fight and should just stay home, this angered her. After witnessing the power of enchantment herself from a man who often decided to show off for kids she became determined to train herself to do the same and become a stronger person than her brother to prove girls aren’t weak and can do more than just sit at home.

Other (Optional): (Just in case there's something about your character that you didn't get to express above.)

RP Sample:
He looked at their capture and smiled proudly. This was going to get the media’s attention for sure!

The woman beside him stared at the previously captured specimen. “She looks like a normal girl.”

The man walked over to a chair and sat down laughing. “ That’s how they disguise themselves! You’ve been in law enforcement for two years, you should know what they can do.” He said as he began typing information into his computer.

The woman squinted her eyes and gave the glass separating the girl or “thing” as he called it then giving him a disapproving glare. “ It isn’t right to put her in chains like that. Or knock her out the way you did.”

The man looked up briefly from his work at the woman then went back to typing. “ If I didn’t she would’ve attacked me. It was necessary to complete the mission.” The man stopped typing and looked back at the alien they had captured recently. “We at least gave her breathing equipment so she won’t die on us.”

The woman seemed enraged at that statement and slammed her hand down on the desk. “ That’s only to perform your sick experiments!” she screamed getting in his face. Her face then changed completely to one of a worried mothers face.

“She doesn’t like it in there.”

“Hm?, the man turned to look at his partner who now had her face pressed up against the glass. “ How would you know?”

“She can hear us..” the woman said her eyes now having a wistful look in them, “ and she doesn’t like what she hears..”

The man stood up , now fed up with his partners comments. “ This glass is so thick she couldn’t possibly hear us. The man making a knock on the glass to prove his point, “ and it’s not like she can bust through hear to stop us from talking because it’s shatter proof too.”

“She can hear us. She IS awake.” The woman said looking directly at her partner.

“ Fine then, prove it tell her to open her eyes,” the man said leaning on the wall.

“Ok then. Hey , girl. Open your eyes for us. Please?” The woman said trying to coax her into opening her eyes by tapping on the glass.

A moment or two passed and nothing happened.

“ See ? Nothing happened. She can’t hear us, now-“

The man was cut off by an explosion from inside the glass shattering it to pieces before disintegrating to the ground.

The woman stared at the remains of their laboratory and then at her partner who was killed instantly from impact , eyes wide in horror.

She stared at the alien as she slowly stepped out of the remains of her containment. The chains around her disintegrated and were blown away with the air caused by a now large gaping hole in the ceiling.

The girl stepped closer and closer then grabbed the woman by the neck and pushing her against a one of the remaining walls that was still standing. She slowly opened her eyes.

They were a terrifying red pair to look at. The woman could see death in those eyes and her soon to be fate. She knew what was to come and watched as her body disintegrated into dust.

It was the start of an invasion , and the world knew it.

Loki
July 24th, 2007, 11:39 AM
Well, your appearance needs lot'sa work. :<

You need not say "Onto the clothes" just start. And you should state your character's name at the beginning of the paragraph if you're describing her. It serves as the subject, so it's not just "Has something something" but is, "Tamilia has something something". It flows a lot better.

Accepted Year 7

Alright, I realized I messed up and had Miki-chan and Iruru sharing Fallen Angel Messiah_of Black Roses. I shortened his name to Fallen and mistook him for someone else. *serves me right, eh?* So Iruru, you'll take on SilverTail instead. You seem kind of busy though...

Alter Ego:
Manaphy
Phanima
JBCBlank

Iruka:
Shaydeh
dreemxweever
SilverTail

Miku-chan:
Zaiku
OmniReaper (Once he's finished his sign-up.)
Fallen Angel Messiah of Black Roses

Jyu-tan:
Chigiri
ACC
Chibi-chan
Shadow_Yue

SilverTail
July 24th, 2007, 12:09 PM
^ Haaa, no worries ACC. That's the one thing I double checked after I got corrected too. xDD *we're in the idiots boat luz*

Hope you don't mind, Tere-chan, but I couldn't help but point this out.



I added an apostraphe to 'that's'. I also got rid of the comma after physical, though I'm not 100% positive about that one. I changed realised to realized, though I'm pretty sure that that's like color and colour? I'm not sure about that either. I also changed the comma after style to a period, to make it have a little more 'effect'. Corrected the spelling of 'opposite'. Corrected the spelling of 'the'.

I still see not why 'with a K' though, since I haven't any understanding what that has to do with anything.

I know that I overkill with comma's, but really DM, did you pick up the habit? :< Zazz no good!

Accepted, Year 7. I know you've improved already (from when I used to talk to you more. < <) but I think you've still got length's to go. Spelling, my friend, is a very important issue.We used to talk? o.o its been a while since I've been called DM, makes me feel remembered |3

anyways, the deal with the "K" is that magick, REAL magick, is spelt with a "K"(rituals and ceremonies and such. my father is a wiccan and explained some of this to me) which is not to be confused with Magic(smoke and mirrors, turning tigers into beautiful women wearing skimpy bathing suits)

thanks for the help editing my profile, and I'm still waiting on an idea for my sample. I've come a ways from when I used to roam my old haunts here(mainly the RP forum....ok, ONLY the RP forum...), but as you said, I've still got a ways to go.

and the little spelling mistake with "teh" and "the" is just that, a mistake. my fingers are really fast and my mind can barely keep up *sweatdrops*

:nervous:+:embarrass

Oh, and thanks for accepting me. Although I'm surprised none of my old friends have congratulating me on making it to 15.....*sighs*

Loki
July 24th, 2007, 12:21 PM
.........Please tell me that "We used to talk" was sarcastic.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHO I AM ALREADY?!!? >OOOO I'M SO INSULTED!!! YOU ARE SUCH A MEANIE BUTT FACE. >OOO Right. That wasn't insulting. But whatever. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DM WHO ELSE CALLS YOU DM OTHER THEN ME?!?!

MINIMINUN WTF. <-- Lulz. I remember that name. That was dreadful.

Shadow_Yue: I also noticed that you have a tendency to break up your sentences. Like, in your history, you have a LOT of simple sentences, and those can easily be made into complex or compound sentences to make it sound smoother.

Scarlet Weather
July 24th, 2007, 02:54 PM
WHAT? YOU REFUSE TO CRITIQUE ME BECAUSE MY CHARACTER WAS RETCHING? HOW DARE YOU!!

By the way, I'd like to comment that the reason Eran isn't behaving as evilly as I initially led everyone to believe in the first post is mostly because I was trying to play him as an actual person, not just forcing him to conform to the personality section on the sign-up sheet. He thinks he's tough but really isn't, he's got a nasty streak but there's some good in him... that's what I was really aiming for. Just to give y'all a heads up.

Hm.... this entire post should probably just be deleted as spam, since it's kind of pointless in the overall scheme of things.

Loki
July 24th, 2007, 03:52 PM
*blergh. bleck. blargh.* Yuck. Anyway...

The patrons were all gone home, waiting for night to come once again in order to begin their merriment.

The patrons were all gone home? :O The patrons had all gone home? The patrons were all gone?

So it had rained last night, then.

Just read that sentence. You don't need that comma, the pause sounds weird. xD

He rolled his eyes. If his memory of the route to the Academy served him right, he would be passing straight through a long stretch of merchants and vendors advertising their wares. He groaned.

It would be fine to have both those effect sentences, if they didn't both start with 'he'. It sounds kind of repetitive.

And Yazz, it seems that we've made a habit of spamming up this thread. D: Let us put a stop to it now, lest I turn into more of a hypocrite then I already am.

SilverTail
July 24th, 2007, 06:51 PM
.........Please tell me that "We used to talk" was sarcastic.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHO I AM ALREADY?!!? >OOOO I'M SO INSULTED!!! YOU ARE SUCH A MEANIE BUTT FACE. >OOO Right. That wasn't insulting. But whatever. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DM WHO ELSE CALLS YOU DM OTHER THEN ME?!?!

MINIMINUN WTF. <-- Lulz. I remember that name. That was dreadful.

Shadow_Yue: I also noticed that you have a tendency to break up your sentences. Like, in your history, you have a LOT of simple sentences, and those can easily be made into complex or compound sentences to make it sound smoother.miniminun? o.o I didnt recognise your username! I'm sorry T.T

Loki
July 24th, 2007, 07:07 PM
Yazz, tis all fine and well, but 'zat was spam shir. D: If you would kindly delete it, or edit in something relevant to the RP itself, 'zat would be wonderful.

Jack O'Neill
July 24th, 2007, 08:03 PM
...Great. The party's already started. So, I place my signup here in the OOC thread, right?

====================

Full Given Name: Edward James Heiderich

Nicknames (Optional): Adler ("Eagle")

Gender: Male

Age: 22

Appearance: At first glance, Edward appears somewhat boyish and unimposing for a supposedly hard-bitten war veteran, standing at only 5'7" and weighing in at a relatively measly 147 pounds. While not exactly muscular nor scrawny, he manages to have a reasonably toned figure, appearing to maintain only the bare minimum of strength needed to crush an enemy soldier's chest with a flying knee or break a few skulls with a well-placed elbow. His hair is dark brown, naturally spiky, and somewhat unkempt; his bangs droop down to conceal most of his forehead. He always seems to have a mischievous, lecherous glint in his bright, heterochromatic eyes (the left is navy blue, while the right is cobalt blue). His skin is moderately tanned and flawless, save for the cross-shaped scar on the right side of his forehead (which is largely concealed by his bangs), a small yet noticeable cut on his chin, and numerous other scars on the rest of his body.

Concerning clothing, Edward's personal sense of style clearly favours military fashions. His normal attire consists of a khaki shirt, a black tie with gold clip, a dark brown leather flight jacket (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/09/A-2_Jacket.jpg) with a distinct red silk lining (replaced in cold weather with a thicker jacket with fleece lining), khaki pants, a black leather belt with gold buckle, black dress shoes, and a plain khaki garrison cap. On formal occasions, he replaces his normal jacket, pants, shoes, and hat with a black Eisenhower jacket (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/e/e7/Eisenhower_jacket_88122.jpg/456px-Eisenhower_jacket_88122.jpg) with accompanying ribbon bar, black pants, black jackboots, and an unadorned black combination cap; he also wears a blood-red armband with the kanji "団長" (rough translation: "Brigade Chief") emblazoned on it in black on his left arm. He openly wears his service pistol and knife, a Colt M1911A1 and a KA-BAR, in a holster and sheath on his belt at all times. He wears the rank insignia of a 2nd Lieutenant.

[See also: Kira Yamato (Mobile Suit Gundam SEED) (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/50/Kira_Yamato_003.jpg), John Hartigan (Sin City) (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/77/SinCity_Hartigan5.jpg) (all images courtesy of Wikipedia)]

Personality: A military man at heart, Edward takes a great deal of pride in his various honors and commendations; nobody dares mess with the ribbon bar on his chest, unless the unlucky one desires a foot up his rear end or a fist in his face. He is a staunch believer in the philosophy that actions speak louder than words; needless to say, he values quickness and efficiency above all else. If there's a task to be done, he would rather get it done as swiftly as humanly possible, regardless of the possible consequences; likewise, if a situation presents itself, he would rather act quickly and resolve it than wait around for orders. Oddly enough for a career soldier, Edward does not place a high value on obedience towards military or civilian authorities; he is perfectly willing to break rules or disobey direct orders if he believes that such insubordination is for the greater good.

Edward has no qualms about maiming, crippling, or outright killing anyone who has wronged him, though even he has his limits regarding gratuitous violence; he is deeply afraid of winding up as a mass-murdering psychopath and will thus make it a point not to kill those who haven't truly earned it in his view. He abides by a clear and well-defined code of ethics, which dictates chivalry towards women, the repayment of debts and kindness, and the redress of any wrongs he himself may have committed (among other things); he is also quite selfless, caring little about his own well-being as long as he can protect friends, family, and even complete strangers from harm, often using lethal means to ensure the safety of his charges.

On the interpersonal level, Edward may appear to be a bit rough-mannered at first, but to anyone who actually bothers to get to know him, he's actually quite mellow and laid back for someone who's borne witness to the horrors of armed conflict on an extended basis. He is a highly enthusiastic storyteller and will tell (longwinded, slightly embellished) tales of his war experiences to anyone willing to listen. Despite his adherence to chivalry, he's somewhat of a womanizer. His lecherous tendencies tend to be expressed in the form of shameless flattery, punctuated by the occasional subtle grope; he has, however, never propositioned a woman to bear his child (he says he'll do that when he's well and ready for it). His sense of humor tends to revolve around puns, double entendres, and other forms of ribald wordplay; he will try to insert innuendo into his sentences whenever given the chance. When annoyed, he tends to talk of shoving his foot up the rear end of the offending party, a la Red Forman from That '70s Show.

Perhaps Edward's greatest flaw is that he's just a bit too honest for his own good. In conversation, he tends to be extremely candid and forthright in his choice of words, even at the expense of insulting or otherwise hurting the feelings of other people; the placid tone with which he dispenses his oftentimes tactless observations serves to worsen the impact of his words. However, he's just as quick to recognize his own lack of discretion and even quicker to apologize to the offended party (especially if it's a woman), in keeping with his code of honor.

History: Born in Riven's capital to middle-class parents, Edward J. Heiderich was blessed with strong legs and a keen intellect and cursed with a crooked spine; this disability warranted the use of leg braces, which severely hampered his movement and gave him an idiosyncratic gait that made him the butt of many jokes during his early school years. Ed's only defender during his formative years was an attractive auburn-haired girl named Kelly Eckart, who taught him to stand up to his many tormentors. Her advice paid off in a big way when Ed shattered his leg braces to deliver a devastating kick to a bully who was throwing rocks at him; he then found out afterwards that he was an extremely quick runner during his escape from the bully's comrades. Nobody ever dared to pick on him from that point onwards.

Due to his high intelligence, Edward was a star student all throughout primary and secondary school; he wasn't too bad of an athlete either, though he clearly favored his studies over sports. However, he was most (in)famous in secondary school not for his physical or mental prowess, but for his constant womanizing. While chivalrous to a fault, Ed was a world-class lecher, and a particularly crafty one at that; he was smart enough to realize when he had overextended himself in his pursuits of the female gender, and his above-average running ability would allow him to make quick getaways from the many girls he angered with his seeming infidelity. Of course, this mattered little to Kelly Eckart, who had always remained by Ed's side even in the face of his lechery.

Edward's father, Scott Spencer "Spike" Heiderich, would often regale his son with tales of his own experiences in the Riven Armed Forces, painting a rather glamorous image of the military in the boy's mind. This was perhaps the greatest influence on Ed's own decision to enlist in the army upon graduating from high school, though the lure of free college via Riven's equivalent of the G.I. Bill (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Servicemen%27s_Readjustment_Act_of_1944) was also a major incentive. He managed to do quite well during basic training, though he found the experience to be quite tedious; he hungered for real action, and before he knew it he was on a train headed for the war in Tegnor. Once on the battlefront, he unexpectedly found himself reunited with Kelly, who had signed up for federal service of her own volition and requested a transfer to Ed's unit. The two fought alongside each other on various missions, and they collectively earned a reputation for their gallantry on the front. Ed himself became particularly notorious for his exploits as a sharpshooter, which incidentally mirrored the actual exploits of the real-life sniper Carlos Hathcock (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carlos_Hathcock) to a certain degree (namely, taking out an enemy sniper by shooting directly through his scope and adapting a Browning M2 for use as an impromptu long-range anti-materiel rifle); he also became renowned for helping rescue his entire platoon from an ambush by Tegnor irregulars and participating in various raids behind enemy lines to destroy targets of opportunity and steal gold.

Ed was so taken in by the glory of his actions that he nearly became blind to the atrocities being committed by his own comrades. Then-First Sergeant Heiderich's personal breaking point came at the village of Midwich, where he bore witness to members of his own platoon massacring unarmed civilians, ostensibly under orders to "pacify" the village by killing guerillas and their sympathizers. After watching a fellow sergeant herd a group of women, children, and senior citizens into a ditch to have them shot, Ed sniped him with his Karabiner 98k before the NCO could actually execute the civvies; he then commandeered the use of a Browning wz.1928 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Browning_wz.1928) from a loyal support gunner and proceeded to kill the members of the platoon who had chosen to follow the order and evacuate the surviving civilians to friendly lines, with the assistance of Kelly and a few other riflemen and support gunners who had refused to follow the order. Immediately after the incident at Midwich, Ed shot and killed his own commanding officer, 2nd Lieutenant Ernest Calley, who had given the order to massacre the village; during the subsequent investigation of the Midwich massacre and the death of Lieutenant Calley, Ed testified that his platoon was ambushed by a unit of Tegnor special forces at Midwich (thus explaining the deaths of half the entire platoon) and that Lieutenant Calley was killed by spies, stories that Kelly and the other surviving platoon members dared not contradict. Ed was then given a field promotion to 2nd Lieutenant and assigned to lead the platoon, which saw action all the way up until the war ended in victory for the Riven Armed Forces; he finished his tour of duty doing humanitarian and law enforcement work in Tegnor's ruined capital, assisting in rebuilding efforts and providing food and security for refugees.

When his tour of duty was up, 2nd Lieutenant Heiderich was deactivated and placed in the reserves, which allowed him to leave to get the higher education he wanted. His first (and only) choice was the Riven Academy of Thaumaturgical Science, which he picked simply because he wanted to expand his own personal knowledge of thaumaturgy; while he had received some rudimentary education in the science as part of his military training, it was abundantly clear that he had chosen to emphasize marksmanship and leadership over enchantment.

Other (Optional): Edward is highly proficient in the use of numerous firearms, namely his standard-issue M1911A1, various bolt-action and semi-automatic rifles (namely the Karabiner 98k, Gewehr 43, Springfield M1903, and M1 Garand, mostly due to his stint as a sharpshooter), the Browning Automatic Rifle (both the regular M1918 and the wz.1928 variant), the Thompson submachine gun, and the Browning M2 machine gun. However, he greatly favors the use of close-quarters and hand-to-hand combat; his personal fighting style can be best considered as a hybrid of savate, Muay Thai, taekwondo, and eskrima, focusing on the usage of kicks, elbow and knee strikes, and knives.

RP Sample: [For every RP sample other people give, I'll give you three.]

"What the ****? This isn't City 17," Shinn said to himself, trying to get a sense of his surroundings. The architecture all around him was in that familiar Eastern European style, blended with the Combine's own peculiar technological embellishments; to him, it resembled City 17, right down to the Cyrillic graffiti adorning random walls and the Citadel standing in all its austere glory off in the distance. However, Shinn knew it was not really City 17; from what he could see, there wasn't even a single Combine Civil Protection officer stirring, nor were there Combine hunter-choppers or gunships soaring off in the great blue yonder. The omnipresent video screens were showing nothing but snow and static; normally, the visage of the much-detested Dr. Wallace Breen would be broadcasted on the screens. The loudspeaker system, which usually played the voice of Breen in a seemingly unending loop, now played nothing but My Chemical Romance; the song "The Ghost of You" was currently playing. "At the end of the world, or the last thing I see, you are never coming home, never coming home..." the voice of Gerard Way echoed all throughout the empty streets.

Shinn felt somewhat unnerved upon hearing those lyrics. For some unknown reason, he had been separated from his home, his friends, and his adopted family; sure, Shinn hated his "home" and he wasn't really on best terms with the rest of the City 17 resistance (save for Jennifer Tomoe, his adopted mother), but City 17 was still his home, and he missed it dearly. At least in City 17 he could kick Combine butt, which was a task he relished; now, there wasn't even a single Metro Cop in sight to give the smackdown on. "The hell with this. I might as well make the best of my situation and scout out the surroundings," Shinn said to himself as he took out his ever-trusty FN P90 SMG.

"Who knows? I might actually find a way back to the real City 17."

Shinn began walking, P90 in hand. He had no idea where he was going, nor did he have any idea what he was going to encounter.
"You're out of the house," Zoey Kurosaki's mom, Renée Kurosaki, said bluntly to her daughter.

"WHAT?!" Zoey shrieked in anguish. "How could you just cut me off like that all of a sudden, Mom?!"

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but it's the law. You know what the government will do to us if we don't kick you out, right?"

"Actually, no, I don't."

"They'll kill all of us and burn this grand mansion right down to the ground with our bodies still inside! Now, you don't want that fate to befall us, do you?"

"No, I don't, Mom."

"Now you kinda know why we have to kick you out. Take these," Renée said to Zoey as she handed her daughter a pair of pistols. They were Fabrique Nationale Five-seveNs. "You should find them handy during the two years you're out."

"Two years?" Zoey asked incredulously as she took the guns from her mom's hands.

"Yes, two years. I know it must suck for you, but you heard what I said earlier if you don't go."

"I...understand," Zoey said before heaving a sigh of defeat. And with that, the ritual, if it could be called that, had ended. Unlike the other families, the Kurosakis did not bother with long-winded chants, peculiar positions, and other such nonsense; all they did was exchange a few sharp words, hand over a gun or two, and send the kids off on their way...after clubbing them in their heads and dumping them in some random alley.

Renée called in Zoey's two younger sisters, Corina and Bridget. Corina and Bridget were remarkably similar to their older sister in many ways, the only major differences being their ages and hair colours (Corina had blue hair, while Bridget was green-haired). "Corina, Bridget, you know what to do," she said calmly.

"Yes, Mom," Corina and Bridget droned, holding up blackjacks in their smooth-skinned, well-manicured hands. In one swift motion, they coldly clubbed their older sister in the back of the head. After that, everything was black for little Miss Zoey Kurosaki.

The next thing she knew, Zoey awoke on the cold, hard, snow-covered ground of a back alley somewhere in the inner city. She slowly, painfully got up to her wobbly feet; her pistols were still in their holsters, and she had a throbbing pain in the back of her head. "Geez, did Corina and Bridget really have to whack me that hard?" she muttered to herself. Taking out a fully-loaded Five-seveN, she gingerly took her first steps out into the wide, grimy, dangerous world of the city. God only knew what she'd encounter out there.
"'Soon-to-be-captain,' eh?" Sarah deadpanned. "A few pieces of advice. First, don't announce that you're gonna be a captain; that actually decreases your chance of landing that much-coveted position. Second, you actually keep a scorecard? Don't bother; most shinigami start losing track of their kills after the first fifty or so. Oh, and one more thing..." she trailed off as she produced a SIG-Sauer P226 from her belt. "Swords are passé. Don't you know that firearms are more effective?"

Sarah stared at the pistol in her hand before holstering it. "I specifically told Urahara to procure me a matched pair of Colt M1911s, but I digress," she said. "I can't really give you a satisfactory demonstration while I'm in this gigai and armed with only this popgun, so give me a few moments to make the necessary preparations." She produced a gikongan from her pocket and held it up for a few moments before finally ingesting it; after convulsing slightly, she finally took a step forward. Her schoolgirl uniform had been replaced with a JGSDF battle dress uniform, adorned with multiple badges and tabs; her zanpakuto, which outwardly resembed an Ishapore 2A1 bolt-action rifle with a bayonet and scope, was openly slung over her shoulders.

Sarah brought up the rifle and peered into the scope. "Let's say I wanna eliminate a target at greater than arm's length," she said. After performing a brief sweep of the area, Sarah finally set her sights on an airborne Hollow approximately 1 kilometer away from her current position. "See that Hollow? Just floating around without a care in the world, not sensing us here, only concerned with looking for stray souls to devour. Just pull the trigger, pull the bolt, and repeat those two steps until it's terminated. It won't know what hit it until it's too late."

Sarah fired off a single shot at her target, reflexively pulling the bolt before putting her weapon down. A bolt of spirit energy, manifesting itself as a bright red tracer bearing an uncanny resemblance to a Quincy arrow, streaked forth towards the Hollow's head, obliterating it directly upon contact and putting the Hollow out of commission for good; from her position, Sarah could observe a small, inaudible explosion, not unlike a signal flare going off.

Sarah then turned to her shinigami companions and said to them, "While you folks have to close in to melee range in order to use your swords and kido, I can just stand back with my rifle and pick off the Hollows before they can pose any real threat to me. Some of you may call this cowardice, but I call it prudence; I gotta get them before they can get me, right? Besides, if they're foolish enough to close in..." She gestured towards the bayonet on her rifle for emphasis. "I need not say any more than that."

Loki
July 24th, 2007, 08:48 PM
O O

Oh good goodness.

Accepted, Year 8


Then-First Sergeant Heiderich's personal breaking point

Then-First? "Then First Sergeant Heiderich" you mean?


To everyone who doesn't usually eek out a mile-long sign-up: I see not why this RP can squeeze out such lengthy and long-winded RP's just because 'Learning RP' and 'Year 7' and 'Year 8' are involved. Come people's! >O Let us not be vain and exert some effort just to get ourselves a nicer spot on the throne.

Iruka:
Shaydeh
dreemxweever
SilverTail
Jack O'Neill

Jack O'Neill
July 24th, 2007, 08:55 PM
Then-First? "Then First Sergeant Heiderich" you mean?
"Then-[insert rank here]" is grammatically proper and is a heck of a lot more compact than "Mr. Heiderich, who was at the time a [insert rank here]." It's just a matter of style, is all.

...

Well, it's not the group I was expecting, but I'll make the best of it. -_-;

Loki
July 24th, 2007, 09:06 PM
Excuse me? Did you just address everyone in Iruka's group as 'the freaks'?

If you do not edit that out of your post by the next time I sign on, I suggest you leave this RP now, or I will personally see to it that you never post here, or in the IC thread again.

Perma-edit-this-time: But I won't pretend I haven't been a total... rock-headed-git to you Jack, now for good reason, and in the past for not so good reason. What group would you prefer?

Jack O'Neill
July 24th, 2007, 09:31 PM
I'd like to request a transfer to Alter Ego's squad, if that can be arranged.

Loki
July 24th, 2007, 09:35 PM
If he agree's to it the next time he's online, then I'll keep the change. If Tere-chan says his platter's full, then I'll have to keep you where you are. The main reason I didn't put you in AE's group in the first place is because he's already done a lot, [plot, first post, sign-up crits] but if he doesn't mind, then it should be quite fine by me.

Alter Ego:
Manaphy
Phanima
JBCBlank
Jack O'Neill

Iruka:
Shaydeh
dreemxweever
SilverTail
Jack O'Neill

Alter Ego
July 25th, 2007, 01:10 AM
Oh, I'm fine with the transfer. Iruka doesn't seem to have that much online time and Manaphy seems to be a no-show anyways, so I guess that's a practical three people for me anyway. :3

Loki
July 25th, 2007, 09:20 AM
Alright, so this is the list now.

Alter Ego:
Manaphy
Phanima
JBCBlank
Jack O'Neill

Iruka:
Shaydeh
dreemxweever
SilverTail

Miku-chan:
Zaiku
OmniReaper (Once he's finished his sign-up.)
Fallen Angel Messiah of Black Roses

Jyu-tan:
Chigiri
ACC
Chibi-chan
Shadow_Yue

edit-ching:

He planned on fallowing the woman to her office but that is not an option any more.

That's all I caught for now, because I'm going through the annoying process of re-installing everything onto my computer and transferring everything back, but 'fallowing' should be 'following' and 'that is not an option any more' should be 'that was not an option anymore'. You switched from past tense to present tense. Bad bad. :< Otherwise, from what I managed to skim without paying attention to details, it looks good, but I'll take a second glance later.

SilverTail
July 25th, 2007, 04:55 PM
er....I forget already, where are we in the RP? *sweatdrops*

Loki
July 25th, 2007, 05:21 PM
I would normally tell you, but it's a useful skill to take the time and patience out of your schedule to read the posts yourself. It's something that goes hand-in-hand with learning. Learning to read each post is just as important as being able to RP well.

[/end effort to be smart and lazy at the same time]

xDD Anyway, you should read the posts yourself though. It'll help.

Edit-ching: Alright, since Iruka hasn't posted any crits for Shaydeh, his post is open to all teacher crits.

Iruru: You look really busy. D: If you don't want to be a teacher, just say so, cause you know, you seem like you're loaded down with tons of stuff.

“Sanztelane, hey I pronounced it on the first try,” Tamilia said now laughing and walking away only to follow the students unaware of where to go

No, Tamilia didn't pronounce it right. xDD "Sanzatelane". Sorry it's so hard to spell. xD

Shadowfaith
July 26th, 2007, 12:35 PM
No I'm fine, seriously. I just had a day off yesterday really thats all. Concentrated more on my new RPG plot than anything. Though I'm not best pleased with past remarks to my group...

JBCBlank
July 26th, 2007, 02:39 PM
Ahhh I hate playing catch up. *runs off to read posts and start writing response* Oh and by the way, thanx AE. it's hard for me to write right.... (wow). I mean, No one ever really taught me how to talk right, and writing forget about it, I'll try to get better ok, I don't even notice when I change tenses...

~JBCBlank

Rena
July 26th, 2007, 02:40 PM
Okay, only Zaiku's comments. Get it done other people >:[.

To the spiky-haired teen, it seemed a tad bizarre, yet quite amusing that the teacher who disdained talking the most would be the one to give the speech

Disdained isn't really the right word, to me, it is 'too strong.'

Ms Erutenmine had taken a seat.

Just a grammer error. 'Ms.' though it could be 'Miss.'

Listening intently with his hands free from the cards that seemed to be an extension of his body.

The cards and extension of body seems really, weird, odd, queer to me o.o

He was sitting on a seat in the rather average looking auditorium of the Riven Academy. He was placed somewhere near the front, as he had been there for quite some time and had patiently been whittling the time away by fiddling with the decks of playing cards that he had always carried with him, no matter where he went.

Not really an error, though, there are just to many of he xD.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

LOTZA COMMAS =O. You seem to put a lot of commas in your sentences, where 'cat-in-the-hat (short.)' sentences aren't supposed to be, or long 'cat-cat-cat-cat-cat-in-in-in-in-in-the-the-the-the-the-the-hat-hat-hat-hat.' sentences shouldn't be used either, sometimes. So, you just put lots of sentences with commas, when even shorter sentences can be used to make it a bit easy on the eyes, but not really that phrase really =o.

Mr. Mr. Wemeren.

Another tiny error. You know what it is.

Loki
July 26th, 2007, 07:38 PM
My group: Werg. Why are all you people's posting so well? xD This is good, that I have to pick apart your posts to find an error~ <3 Now, lezz nawt forget to post like this outside of class, kaykies? ;<

I should do well to follow my own advice too. *the laziness! It BURNZ.*

Also... let's take into account that until you get yourselves to Sanza's office, my character is unable to go anywhere or do anything. ;<

Chibi-chan: Hokay, I return with edit-ness.

With a slight jaw dropping stare, she watched was her future teacher and her clicky-clacky shoes walked out of her seat and out of the auditorium.

She watched was her future teacher? Whut? ^^;;

Just as she was deciding to set as a pace for herself when she saw a kids a bit younger than her asking directions to the same class she was headed to.

Just as she was deciding to set as a pace for herself... Again, whut? xDD;

Wow, your some kid, hahaha."

"You're"

Illya wondered if she'd even be heard but hey, if he wanted to be there first, good luck to him.

Even been heard.

By the way, I missed it by three days since I don't ever visit the Celebrations thread unless I'm opted to by someone else, but I noticed that it was your birthday! :O HAPPY BURDDAY GUUD LAYDEE. *shot* JOO GET HAPPEE CRITICIZUMZ FRUM MII. *shotshot*

Shadow_Yue: I shall re-read your post too, but I already pointed out something in the last post.

Tamilia Gandrealas sat on the soft , comfortable grass, inhaling the scent of the ocean water.

You don’t need a space before a comma, though I’m sure that was just a slip of the thumb, since the next comma doesn’t have a space.

I hate grass. It’s prickly and uncomfortable and itchy.

It was one of her favorite past times , and she had felt particularly good this morning.

Oops, here we go again. Space in front of the comma. :< You do this a few more times throughout your post. Try not to add that extra space next time~

Even though she woke up really early she still felt like she had gotten all the sleep in the world.

Even though she woke up really early [comma] she still felt like…

A pause would be called for in that situation. <3

Though something was bothering her, Tamilia couldn’t place her finger on it but something was amiss.

Mmm, that sounds really weird. Though something was bothering her, Tamilia couldn’t place her finger on it. Something was amiss.

That sounds a little smoother, that ‘but’ seems to kind of stick out.

Tamilia said falling back on to the grass she had grown to love so much.

Am I just a comma freak? Tamilia said [comma] falling back…

Other teachers, please correct me if I’m being overobsessive with comma’s again. xP

Tamilia then abruptly sat up not being able to be comfortable on the grass anymore.

Tamilia then abruptly sat up [comma] not being able to… (I can’t help but feel that either I’m assigning too many comma’s, or you’re not assigning enough. I’m leaning towards the foremost suggestion.)

“ Hey sis you’re gonna be late!” Her brother called from the door of their house, a sense of tease in his voice

“Hey sis, you’re” or “Hey, sis you’re”

Tamilia jumped up so fast she nearly scraped 3 feet of grass off the ground. She nearly crashed through their front door to get to the kitchen which is where the clock hung above the sink.

Tamilia jumped up so fast she nearly scraped 3 feet of grass off the ground, nearly crashing through the front door to get to the kitchen. There, hanging above the sink, was the [color of clock] clock.

It gives a little more description, it flows a little better. Combining little sentences when the smaller ones aren’t being used for effect is good, it makes it easier to read and less bumpy.

a.m.

You need to capitalize abbreviations. :3 You have other instances too, but I’m not going to point them all out otherwise this post is going to stretch on forever.

“ Oh no! I’m going to be so late!” Tamilia said now rushing past the door that was now slammed shut.

It’s not a major issue, but you could’ve used a more colorful word rather then ‘said’ in this instance. Like, ‘cried’ or ‘screeched’ or ‘moaned’ or something. ‘Said’ is a little bland when your character is hectic.

Tamilia said now completely relaxed as if her being late on her first day wasn’t that bad.

Tamilia said, now completely relaxed…

You seem to have a problem with comma’s. When you’re typing a sentence, try saying it in your head. Wherever you pause, you add a comma.

Does it sound better like: Tamilia-said-now-completely-relaxed, where you don’t pause and take a breath at all? If you take music, I like to say, there’s a reason breath marks look like comma’s. ;3

When she had finally arrived at her destination she noticed that the grounds were still crowded with students.

Destination [comma] she noticed.

Tamilia said now strolling through to the auditorium. “ Our clock must be busted or something,” she laughed as she glanced at the clock in the hallway.

Tamilia said [comma].

Also, the period after auditorium should be a comma, since your character is continuing what she was saying earlier. Thus, it’s still the same sentence. Also, you don’t need that space between the quotation and ‘Our’.

Also…. Said said said said said said said. :/ I think I make my point clear.

Tamilia was now so confused that she had to sit down and rest her head. She felt tired now and had to fight the urge to fall asleep in her chair.

Mmm, by saying ‘now’ twice is sounds awfully strange. You could combine both tired and confused into one sentence like so:

“Tamilia was now so confused that she had to sit down and rest her head, tired and fighting the urge to fall asleep in her chair”

Or something to that extent.

“Sanzatelane, hey I pronounced it on the first try,”

Yay! You fixed the spelling error! “Sanzatelane. Hey, I pronounced it on the first try,” Or something like that. You needed a pause after hey.

And it’d be good if you had a thesaurus open to ‘said’. It’ll help.



Chigiri: Yayyy, I shall re-read this one to boot. I pointed something out already on your post as well. I think you could've taken it slower though, and the introduction of two minor characters could've been easily replaced by one, but that's a detail that truly truly doesn't matter and is really just a personal preference.


Thats the way I wish all introductions were."

That’s.

He planned on following the woman to her office but that was not an option any more. It would have been difficult even if Ven had the chance to fallow, seeing as so many student were scattering then and there.

He ‘had’ planned on following. It’s in the past now. ^^ There’s no space between ‘any’ and ‘more’ either. It’s one word. Also, ‘follow’ not ‘fallow’. Also, ‘students’ not ‘student’. You’re talking about more then one. And, I believe the saying is ‘here and there’ not, ‘then and there’. (Wow. That was a mouthful)

Hello, i'm sorry for him,

Caps for ‘I’s. :3

I told him to be nice today but as it seems, he doesn't know how to fallow directions."

Fallow… follow…

He was quiet confused at the moment but shook her hand, as to not anger her any more than she was already.

Quite, not quiet. ^^

She directed while pointing her finger twoards the aditorium's exit door.

Ehmm… “towards” and “auditorium”, respectively. These can be caught by a spell checker.

Ven thanked her and took off like a bullet, not wanting to waste any more time than he all ready did.

No space between ‘any’ and ‘more’, like I said earlier, and ‘all ready’ is actually one word too. ‘Already’ would be the word you’re looking for.

[quote] He did not want to repeat what happened duing the introductory, but he still wondered why he was wished good luck. He payed no mind to it as he tried to focus on the matter at hand[/quote

“During” the introductory. ‘Paid’ no mind. Both of those can be caught by spell checker too.


In the end, I think you just need to run it through a spell checker, and take a quick skim over it before you post. Some of those things could've been caught just by glancing at it. Like "Fallow" and "follow". Pay attention when you're doing spell check too, because sometime's spell checkers give you crazy words for normal ones. xD

*WHEW* Done. >D I feel so proud.

Zaiku
July 26th, 2007, 11:12 PM
Yeah, I guess I like to exagerate things a bit, with the whole strong wording and the 'cards a body extension' thing. I will follow the advice I got and try to improve.

Loki
July 31st, 2007, 07:49 AM
Again, I would just like to state that I can't post until my group members arrive. So if you would do that, please kindly go about doing it.

OMG I HAD A DREAM THAT WE MADE PC'S RP SECTION A PASSWORD ENTRY ONLY. TWAS FRIGHTENING.

And a pain for me to screen people

Mika
July 31st, 2007, 06:25 PM
Kay, regardless of placement or w/e, Alter if you can find time, go over this please? With your evil fine-tooth comb of doom despair and destruction

Sign-up Sheet

Full Given Name: Kain Andrew Romano
Nicknames : Dr. Kain, Kain. (He has the nickname 'Mr. Squishy' but those who call him by this name often find themselves... well... let's not go into detail, shall we? ^^; )
Position (Wanted at least): School Doc
Gender: Male
Age: 35
Appearance: The words, 'tall dark and handsome' do not even begin to describe Kain. He looks like someone who’s just walked off a model runway and yet, if you look closely, you would see where his work has left its mark. Underneath his typical lab coat, tank top, black/tan cargo pant getup lies a maze of sore and often plaguing muscle aches and joint problems from the years he spent on his research. His hair, despite the strain he’d put on his body, is still the moppy dark brown slightly waved hair often covered in a bandana of some sort to keep the strays from slipping into his eyes. Like the left pocket of his lab coat these bandanas are never to be touched by anybody unless they have elicit permission and they stay within vision of Kain unless otherwise noted. Refusal to abide by these rules results in nothing but pain agony and the like to some extent or another and rarely does he make exceptions. His eyes are the most convincing part of his features because of their unique coloring. While they are considered brown, they have a redish tint to them that makes them look as red as the eyes of those creatures in childhood fables. They always cause a stir among crowds and people in general who find these eyes, tho they are hidden by a pair of rectangular silver frames for the most part, frighteningly similar to those of the darkness that lingers in every person's memory. While he has become accustomed to being gawked at, it's not the highlight of his day when an ignorant fool calls him a demon. On the days he does not wear the required attire (Or so he believes) of a shrink, one might find him in well-fitting darkwash jeans and a t-shirt of some sort along with a sweatshirt if the weather demands it. Such instances of Kain not in his work attire are rare (Aside from those who happen to see the man in his private chambers, he sleeps in a pair of cotten boxers plus a pair of sweatpants if he is cold) and as such, many do not recognize who they are dealing with until they lock eyes with him. He only dresses in such casual wear when it is all but enforced on him, he finds his work attire much more comfortable and more efficient for what he needs to do.

Personality: Kain is not the nice doctor who slips his students favors both above and below the table. He takes things at a very literal level and while he tends to keep what he thinks is his business his business, he does not sugar coat things for his students beyond what must be done to maintain certain levels of sanity. While this has made him both popular and unpopular by staff and students alike (As he does not sugar coat things for his co-workers either and tends to say somewhat rude, but very true, things when his nerves are pushed beyond a sane level) he does not seem to be swayed by public opinion and is given harder-to-crack students because, as stubborn as they may be, he trumps them nine times out of ten. He hasn't once said to a superior, 'I no longer want this client' or 'I no longer want this patient' because, in his mind, doing so is admitting defeat. He'll force them into submission if nessacary and does not believe in such things as 'physical enforcement of rules and slight use of intimidation' are words of truth in reference to his work. Many a time he's pinned a client in the corner of his office until they comply with his set of rules and regulations. Has he been fired over it? No.

But he is not heartless. He cares very deeply for the younger range of his students, treating them as his own children and, while he has a bit of a temper and lashes out from time to time, both mentors and deciphers each student's individual problems. A student he knows somewhat well falling ill or becoming seriously injured makes his ulcers act up and causes Kain to become irritable until the problem is fixed or at least returned to its prior state before the relapse occurred. His is often ribbed because of his soft-heartedness and true love for his students (Tho, those who try and get him to say that end up in bushes. Behind buildings. Where the cameras dun shine) hidden beneath his frosty exterior but he doesn’t mind it, it’s simply what he does. He is often told he is overprotective of his ‘children’ and nothing could be farther from the truth. If a patient of his is attacked, he will make an attempt to ‘personally’ handle the perpetrator himself, almost always in a blind rage of sorts. This sort of rage stems from a past experience he’d rather not dicuss that has left his professional profile with its one and only blemish beyond certain dislikable character traits he really can’t do anything about.

History:
I dropped a marble
When I chased after it
I dropped another
Only one remains in a single sunny spot

Since he was born, Kain has been beyond ordinary. Reading before he was toilet-trained, he has always seemed to enjoy learning and books much more than other things children his age fancied. Be it playing army or with plastic cars and other destructive violent playground games most boys enjoyed, Kain preferred to stay out of it, shoving his nose in a book while the neighboorhood came to life around him. His parents, specifically his mother, feared that school life, for a ‘nerd’ like her precious son, would prove dangerous because he was not the average Joe. She enrolled him in the local Tae Kwon Do class for children his age, wanting to protect him from, somewhat literally, himself.

Nether the less, school proved a challenge for Kain. He was, beyond all reasonable doubt, a nerd. His academic knowledge placed him, at the tender influential age of nine, into a fifth grade class and, in effect, all but threw him like a lamb to a pack of starving wolves. Several months into the year and Kain had been in the headmaster’s chambers more times than he would like to admit. Seeing there was truly no place for a boy of his size and knowledge at a public elementary school, he recommended that the boy be sent to a school for people of his intelligence. It would prove to be the worst mistake his parents could have ever made and, in truth, did ever make.

The moment their hearts begin to beat
Like it or not people claim their own place
They keep protecting it so that
It isn't snatched away

Kain became even more secluded at the new school and chose not to retaliate against the bullies after the tormenting took a left turn at a place it should never have reached. Before he turned ten, Kain knew more about certain subjects in life that few people ever truly experience such as he had. Internalizing the pain, Kain pushed forward, excelling higher than any other student to prior attend the halls of Galloway Prep School for the Gifted. While this caused some actions and nightmare-inducing ordeals, the boy hardened his heart and, after a year, felt nothing as the older boys, threatened by this child, treated him like a punching bag, something below human levels. By the time he entered his final year in highschool, he had completely hardened his heart. At least, until he met her. She was an exchange student, a few years younger and just as smart as he. She was named Kiara and she would become something so embedded in his heart that it would never be able to be removed.

When they originally met, they were fierce rivals. He had held the top position in the school’s academic hierarchy every term until she arrived and then, low and behold, she defeated him in a land slide victory. Determined to beat this new pestilence, Kain set out to study harder than ever. He never once imagined he would fall for her. Things happened quicker than either of them imagined. At one of the practice exams, required to take an official exam to pass into college free of charge, Kain, suffering from an attack the night before, passed out on his desk. When he came to, he was in his room on his bed, Kiara asleep on his ankles. [Author's Note: She fell asleep, fully clothed mind you, on his ankles in the hospital. :P Because he fainted.] It wasn’t the start they would have probably wanted to have but, none the less, it was a start. A year and a half later, just months after they had both graduated high school, they were married

Though I kept my hands clean,
They look dirty
Before I doubt my memory
My memory will doubt me

Kain had everything a man could want. He had a steady high paying job at the local hospital counseling wayward teens who simply needed a second chance, a beautiful faithful wife and a bubbly child who had her daddy wrapped around each of her little fingers. The spitting image of her parents, the child’s long blonde hair shimmered in the sunlight, her eyes sparkled like her mommy’s and her angelic voice was like nothing Kain had ever heard or rather, would ever hear. She was the treasure of the tiny family and, growing inside Kiara’s ever expanding belly, was the son of every father’s dream. He had everything he ever could have wanted and then, as most things do in such stories, his life took a sudden wrong turn.

One of his patients had a particular nasty ex, an ex who was angry with Kain for his work in undoing the brutal relationship that had left his finacee with broken bones and slashed wrists and more importantly, a broken spirit. For months he plotted his revenge, revenge so terrible it would make wounds that would never heal. When he finally executed his plan, he happened upon a problem. Kain had children. Tanpopo, the oldest child, was five and screamed when she saw him, causing his whole idea of jump-up-behind-the-victim-and-stabby-stab to fly out the window. Nervous and high on crystal meth, he unloaded the first of his bullets, all of which had been intended for Kiara, into the girl’s head. He then proceeded to shoot Kiara with the remainder of the clip in his pistol and was about to leave when he discovered the now wailing baby in the playpen. Out of bullets, he simply smothered the baby with a pillow and left the house. Kain came home with just enough time to say goodbye to his family before they died, Tanpopo wiping away her Daddy’s tears before she succumbed to the fatal wound.

We'll meet each other for sure
Making our identical heartbeats into our landmarks
I am here, because I'm always calling
When our worn-out motives overlap and tremble,
I'll know the meaning behind my birth

Kain snapped. He hunted down the boy and put him through more pain than any mortal should ever experience in a lifetime. The courts called it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They sent him back to work. Thus, he's found his way to the Academy, landing a job as both a substitute teacher... and the school's only physician.

Other (Optional): Kain is a registered doctor/shrink (Assuming they exist. o-o; ) Kay? Kay.

RP Sample:

There was nothing Kain could do to hide his brief bought of happy, He'd been just about to skip, yes skip down the hallways in happy joy as the five minute waiting period had been seconds away from completion when Mr. Happy Go-Lucky Sunshine just had to walk around the corner and simply had to find it nessacary to open that trap on his face that most people around here preferred shut at all times (If not aided by ducktape or other means of natural silencing techniques) and just had to force Kain out of his momentairly happy.

Before entering the room, Kain couldn't help a glare upwards and a inward mind shrug followed by a very unhappy comment or two, I help your children, I take care of those others have abanadoned, I don't molest children and yet you still say, 'Let's make Kain's day just a wonderful day' and give me him. There's something wrong about that. Something sick. And. Wrong. Sighing himself, he stepped in, shut the door and took the dead-cow chair (IT was leather but it looked like it still had the brand mark on the left armpiece so it was known as the Dead-Cow Chair and the name stuck) in a very professional mannor, his demenour matching Ash's in that of forced pleasentries, "Making the rounds I see?" And being nearly ten minutes late to our meeting? Sure, I'm not saying I'm guiltless, I was five minutes late, but it's still your freakin fault... somehow.


OR

"Off on the amount?" He blinked, tilting his head in mock confusion that wouldn't be caught as mock confusion unless you were incredably sharp and knew exactly how Kain mocked things which, he was pretty sure at least, Ash couldn't prove as of yet. "...am I prescribing too little? Too much? I have just recently been moved to your build sir and just recently been given a slew of new patients. Like any other doctor, including yourself, wouldn't you admit that there is a period of trial and error in the medication and theraputical process? You do not always hit your mark directly on the first try, sometimes it can take one or several more to hit it dead on. I do believe it was you yourself who told me this, wasn't it?" Oh he had him there. Yes, Ash could follow the very intelligent assumption that Kain had been doping down the drugs for some of the patients but while he most likely had the 'gut feeling' that this was true, he had no evidence to back it up that could not also back up Kain's story of 'Trial and Error'. He'd been in Ash's building for around two months now (Moved so the senior doctor could keep a closer eye on him) which was still in the technical trial phase for most of his patients, "And you know my belief on medicating only as nessacary and as much as nessacary. What hope is there for healing, at least to the point of being able to function in a semi normal life, when a patient is so drugged they can hardly use the facilities?"

Yawning lightly, he paused, covering his mouth for politeness's sake, "...excuse me, I have not had a change to drink any coffee this morning." He continued, keeping his tone deadly respectful so the senior doctor could find no fault in it, "Was there anything else you needed me to...make clear?" Or could we maybe, just maybe, end this early. Because you see, I've got a ton of work to do and me staring at your beautiful face for such a long time gets nothing done other than that growing urge to find an eject button on this dead cow chair and send you through that bullet proof glass window behind you.... Hahah... Cows go moo..... Inwardly laughing at his little very immature but very helpful pick-me-up, he again focused his eyes on Ash's own, matching the other's intimidation level, "Or are we transitioning into less pleasent points of conversation?"

OR MAYBE EVEN

"Steven... Sera's already fighting with Baan. Why don't you and I... tango." She twisted one of three pokeballs off of her wrist, the staff falling into her left hand, "It's been awhile anyways, since I defeated you last." She tilted her head softly, a serene sort of smirk spreading across her face, "Why don't we see if you're still worth my time." It was true. While the circumstances hadn't been in Steven's favor, he had lost a rather embarassing fight to Mika the last time they had encountered eachother. It was something no man could easily take, a defeat at the hands of a mere child, and Mika was hoping to poke a hole in the other's seemingly cool demenor and force out the anger not many people knew existed.

It didn't work. Steven was under strict orders not to provoke Mika, the Commandant had all but screamed that doing so might result in Mika injuring herself. Steven, personally, didn't really give a miltank about injuring her. She was a crimminal. Weren't they, as law enforcers, allowed to beat the guilty into submission as long as it wasn't detected by the general public? As much as he wanted to, he had to follow orders. Biting down on his lip, he regained control of his anger and turned towards Mika with the same unreadable look he'd given her prior, "No, as much as you'd like it, I cannot allow myself to fall to your level to, as you said, fight." He raised a hand towards Baan and the trainer annoyedly withdrew his battered pokemon (but not before sticking his tounge out at Sera) "I have a message to you, from the Commandant." Noting Mika's expression did not change, not that he expected it to, he continued, "He says he's glad to see you out of the hos-"

"He didn't exactly send flowers"

"It wasn't like he could. Rocket bases are so tricky to get into these days without causing royal hell to ice over."

"And yet you G-Men have learned nothing from us. Your bases are still as pathetic as they were six years ago. Nothing's changed beyond a passcode here and a firewall there. You can't even aim your cameras correctly for pete's sake..."

"Touche. Prehaps it would be good for us to revamp our system..." Blinking off the feeling and the very obvious (And very well played out mind you) distraction technique before he turned, taking Mika by the wrist in such a sudden movement, the girl had no time to react, no one would have. Pressing his lips to her ear, he mumbled something beyond the ears of the others present and stepped back, casting a fleeting, sickening look at Serra before turning towards Baan and started to walk back in that general direction, leaving the ashen leader to her misery...or so he thought.

Her own hand snapped out, catching his shoulder before he could get anywhere, "...He can't. It's forbidden, forbidden in every single one of my-our teachings! It's... it's insanity!" Steven brushed the girl off, shoving his hands into his pockets, shrugging his shoulders at her obvious fear and attempt to hide the growing hysteria. He couldn't help a smirk; it still hadn't fully dawned on her yet, "You know him as well as I do Mika, he doesn't care. Nor do I for that matter."

"You know the number of casualties that would cause, you know..." And then, like a bolt of lightning, the hidden message revealed itself, "You can't mean..."

"With the seals closed, you're vulnerable. If you can't open the seals in the given time frame, which with our added security to each place will be virtually impossible, you'll have no physical choice." He tilted his head back to the sky, laughing softly as a few drops of rain fell from the sky, "Just a tool, that's all wayward children like you are good for nowadays. If only you hadn't run when we took you the first time, if only you'd stayed. Then maybe things like this... wouldn't be nessacary."

She couldn't take it anymore. With the downpour threatening to slip from the clouds at any second and a Charizard still on the playing field, she couldn't hold back her punches. Flicking her wrist in Sera's direction to withdraw her pokemon, she slid a hand to the pokeball on her wrist, slipping it into her palm as discreatly as she could, "A tool Steven? Oh yes, the perfect example of that would be your daughter, wouldn't it now. Your precious little doll, trapped in her home to be stared at. I doubt she still has Storm, did you take him away to, to keep her at home?" Smirking, she wasn't suprised to see his gaze turn sour almost instantly, "You're just as guilty as Lance and you know it."

His mask shattered, Steven was too far gone into his ego-damaged rage to with-hold himself anymore. Turning towards Baan, he jerked a pokeball off his waist, "Withdraw your Pokemon Baan and leave." The boy, who had since Steven's arrival simply stood with a holier than thou smile on his face, turned and with a light tuff of the hair, withdrew his badly battered Jolteon and exited down into the car from which he had came after thanking Sera oh-so-sarcastically for the battle, "It was fun little girl, maybe next time when we play, I'll actually fight with my full strength. You're worth it I think."

With that, he was gone, disappeared into the blackness of the tunnel that the train had suddenly been pressed into. Much like the blackness of a new moon covered in a layer of overcast clouds, there was not even enough light to see a hand infront of a face. Still, in the darkness, Steven did not stop his mouth from moving, "Fine Mika. You want a fight, I'll give you one. But that girl stays out of it... and you fight me without holding back." He wanted a re-match, he deserved a re-match. If she touched the power Lance would have his head but if she didn't, he'd be fighitng a trainer who wasn't using thier starter, their highest leveled most treasured pokemon or their most well rounded team. It wouldn't be right and it would't feel right either, "One on one, to begin when we exit the tunnel's blackness which should happen in about five minutes. You've that long to prepare." Years of training in caves with his beloved steel types had trained him to see like a cat, he could funciton in this blackness just fine. Mika, at least he thought,could not do the same.

She sighed, rubbing her forehead before turning on her heels to Sera, "Climb back down. It's three steps backward and you'll hit the ladder. Get down on your hands and knees if it makes you more comfortable. You don't have to, it's not an order yet, but if you stay and witness what's about to happen and you tell Blue or Kain, I'll be forced to do bad things to you." Turning her back on the trainer, she gave her a final glare before returning the staff to its prior mode and attached it to her neck. If she was going to use it from the purest source, she didn't need the enhancer. Not for Steven. It would drain her of most of her reserve energy and she'd probably be stuck at the pokemon center in Goldenrod for a day but it was all worth it. At least, she hoped so.

Raising her arms to the sky, she closed her eyes and pulled them down, mumbling something under her breath. Her body glowing a soft light green, the surface wounds on her arms from her earlier spat with Sera vanished and as the tunnel emerged, Mika had fully assimilated with the forest. Releasing the pokeball, her eyes slowly opened, revealing a bright spirit filled yellow tint rather than the minty green it had previously been. Ignoring the pain in her chest, she threw the pokeball she'd previously hidden just as the trio was thrust into dawnlight, "Antiklian, assistance please."

The male of her twin Dragonair, Antiklian, emereged from the bright light of the normal greatball, cooing softly as he wound around Mika's ankle and waist for a moment, enjoying the soft pets she gave him before she waved her hand towards the space between the two trainers, hissing like mad at Steven who, out of concern for the area surrounding, had sent out his Skarmory who was screeching at this excuse for an opponent at a pitch purposely driven a half step sharp for pure torture. Sky diving in the typical Ariel Ace format, as Steven had commanded him before letting him out of his prision of a pokeball, he watched Mika's mouth for movement and, seeing none, saw no reason to be cautious and fully charged the still hissing dragon with more fury than a charmander who's tail had almost been doused with a careless child's glass of water. He didn't expect the Flamethrower that nailed him in the face on his arrival at his target nor did he expect the follow up Body Slam and Ice Beam that shortly followed. By the time it was all over, the dragonair hadn't even broken a sweat and Steven looked humiliated. She hadn't even moved, her eyes hadn't even changed. She'd controled her pokemon by Channelling. Lance was going to have his rear end on a silver platter... and there was nothing he could do about it except retreat. Annoyed with himself, he tossed the overused smoke ball into the the area between and, when the smoke had cleared, he was gone without anything left to trace him by.

Releasing her hold on the Source, Mika withdrew the Dragonair and turned towards Sera's general location. Regardless of what the girl had decided to do, Mika needed to get off this roof and she need to get off it now. Wincing visibly, she scurried down the ladder and, after noting Sera's location, blurrily explained they needed to head back to the cabin and headed there at the fastest pace any person would blink past. Once inside, she didn't even wave at the rest of group, she turned towards Blue, mumbled something along the lines of 'I couldn't let him take Sera' and all but collapsed on the open spot on the bench, looking white as snow. A few moments passed and she was able to somewhat function, at least for now, "...So, how did your respective missions go? Askan, did you behave properly and did you run into another GMan prehaps?" Her forearm over her eyes, she could at least breathe a little better now. She'd have to explain this to Sera later and Mika wasn't looking forward to it. It wasn't a story she liked to tell.

"I got a little too much air up there. Now, what did any of you find out, if anything?"

Loki
July 31st, 2007, 06:29 PM
Lul holy shizzo.

You want me to look over that? xDDD;;;

Maybe I'll finish next year. Lul. Either way,

Accepted, Teacher's Aid.

You'll be helping we teachers out with the crits and stuff. The reason you're not a teacher is because at this point I can't re-arrange. New students will go to you though.

NOW GOSH DARN IT PEOPLE POST. >O

Chibi-chan
July 31st, 2007, 06:42 PM
I can't post because I kinda left my next post in the hands of someone else. And I don't want to make it to your room first x;

Mika: Tales of Abyss reference! (b'-')b Soon we'll become one~~~~<3

Mika
July 31st, 2007, 06:58 PM
Bij: Oh hells yeah. X3 Mika pwns your socks.

Chibi: =O you play TotA tooo? I love Bump of Chicken. ; ; -latches onto- Another Tales fan... Who's not Davi-sensei.... -latches onto-

Đ a r κ
July 31st, 2007, 07:23 PM
Eh, sorry guys. I had to go to my aunt's house for three days to help my mom baby-sit and while I was there, the baby got me sick D: (lol...baby-sit, baby-sick...xD...*Shot*) I'll try to post but don't expect it to be the holy grail of all posts (Although no one would expect that from me xD)

Zaiku
July 31st, 2007, 11:59 PM
Zaiku has questions to ask before Zaiku can post, because Zaiku needs to know these things! (My attempt at speaking in 3rd person and not using pronouns which I won't be doing again).

1. Rena's character is a student teacher, so does she have an office for Ace to report to, or does Ace just go up to her physically.

2. How long has Dahli been a student teacher at Riven, so I need to know if Ace would know her already.

PS: For today's random fact, Riven is an adjective meaning "torn apart"

Chibi-chan
August 1st, 2007, 05:49 PM
Bij: Oh hells yeah. X3 Mika pwns your socks.

Chibi: =O you play TotA tooo? I love Bump of Chicken. ; ; -latches onto- Another Tales fan... Who's not Davi-sensei.... -latches onto-

*cling* Holy Qliphoth! Another ToA fan! X3 *Has the young!Asch Gaiden, the original!Ion Gaiden, and like...12 doujins~~ ;o; *squee* Tales of Abyss forever!


*cough cough* Ontopic, I posted in the RP...=D
We're all together now, yaaaaaay. Btw, thanks for the birthday wish Bell Jyukai Mitsuki :3! You change your name almost as much as David o3o

Đ a r κ
August 3rd, 2007, 05:41 PM
Everyone, I am not going to be here tomorrow for I am going to Universal :<
Sorry for the inconvenience. I don't know how imma post here unless I can find a computer with Internet access at the park. I know there isn't anything that can be done to post so could you just pretend like my character got sick or something (Be creative) Again, I'm sorry D:

Shaydeh
August 3rd, 2007, 07:21 PM
Hm, since we are in the same group, I figured we might as well help each other.

Kiahi watched as the crowd started to disappear with they’re [their?] assigned teachers, [full stop?] she didn’t understand why they were so strict on them; after all they were only kids wanting to enjoy the experience.

That is the abbreviation for “they are”. The correct word to use in that sentence would be “their”. I’m sure you know that and these sort of things happen, especially when we’re typing so quickly. Now, that comma you have placed there should be replaced with a full stop, since it is grammatically incorrect to split two complete sentences with a comma.

She cleaned her nails, concentrating hard on ridding them of every stain and spot as the students marched out. She could see her students watching her, waiting for her to say something; but she didn’t even bat an eyelid at them. It got to the point where all that was left was her class and they began to fidget, waiting to see what they’re teacher would do.

There it is again…

A long moment of silence past [passed?] and after she had made absolutely sure that her nails were perfectly clean, she raised her eyes to meat [meet?] those of her class. She blinked and took in they’re appearance, [semi-colon?] anyone would have thought she was looking in to they’re very souls. After a moment [comma?] she grinned and scratched behind her head pathetically. “Sorry,” she giggled [comma or full stop?] “I didn’t know everyone had gone!” She continued to giggle to herself, knowing full well that the students hadn’t found it funny in the least, but she didn’t care.

Wrong word again. You’re looking for the past tense of pass which would actually be passed, I believe. Mixed up “meat” and “meet”. “Their” yet again. I’m not entirely sure about this, but I think that next comma should be replaced with a semi-colon (since you are linking two full sentences with similar ideas). After the “After a moment”, I’d think there should be a comma there and after the “she giggled” there should be a full stop (or comma, I suppose).

She continued to giggle until she coughed and hiccupped one after the other. It was then that she got up from her chair and walked over to the door opposite of where she was sat and behind the students. She opened it with a creek and sauntered out, bidding the class to follow her. “Come, come, we don’t have all day and the stench of this hall is driving me mad. It was bad before, now it smells of rotting oak and teen sweat. Make haste!” She yelled as she disappeared behind the door and listened as the scramble of feet followed her.

“Was sat” will not do. Maybe you should have tried “was seated” or just “sat”? That last part of the sentence “and behind the students” did not seem flow too well as I read it. Not sure if anything is wrong with it however.

She climbed the steps of the tower to the very top and after some hard climbing and some swinging (across a broken floorboard, which Kiahi had been meaning to have fixed for a while), she opened her office door and waved them all inside. “Make yourselves comfortable, don’t touch anything and watch the floorboards, [full stop or semi-colon instead of comma here?] some of them aren’t as strong as they use to be.” Her office was quite bright, but a little run down, [full stop?] it was home to many artefacts, some rear[rare?] and some mealy for decoration. There were swords, shields, cowboy hats, riding equipment, suits of armor, dragon statues and so much more decorating the room. It seemed to glow, but no one knew if it was from the natural light of the sun that bore through her bright, glass window or the weird hovering light in a cage at the other side of the room. It was a big square office and at the very opposite end were her chamber doors.

You used the verb “climb” in the same sentence and rather close to each other. Not particularly wrong, but not particularly fluent either.

Yuki flew from his master’s shoulder and landed square on the desk and then propelled himself into his basket, before curling up and drifting off to sleep. Kiahi smiled and turned to her class. “That’s Yuki, a ferret if some of you were unsure and of course, I’m Kiahi Hikaru, some of you know me some of you don’t. But let it be known, that I’m not one for displeasuring tasks, [full stop/semi-colon?] I’m here to make your stay as fun and exciting as I possibly can!”

“Yuki did this … and … and then … before …” Seems to me that you’re dragging on the sentence longer than it needs to be, or perhaps you shouldn’t have used “and” twice in this situation. Rather “Yuki flew from his master’s shoulder, landed square on the desk and then…” I feel that might have been a little better.

I think you could have used commas more effectively in that sentence. Something like “That’s Yuki, a ferret if some of you were unsure, and of course I’m Kiahi Hikaru, some of you know me, some of you don’t.” – so that the comments between the commas are more specific in relation to Yuki or Kiahi Hikaru.

Well, just a ton of minor mistakes I'm sure proof-reading would have spared you from. I'm not an expert at writing, but what I pointed out were the things I would've tried to avoid or employed in my own writing. If you, or anyone else, don't agree with them feel free to share your views. We're all here to learn after all and I'm open to that just as much as the next person is.

Oh, and Chigiri, you don't need to apologise for missing one day of RPing.

Loki
August 3rd, 2007, 07:32 PM
Oh goodness jesus christ Mizzy is a bad bad girl, neglecting her own section. D:

I'll get down to critiquing your posts in just a second, I keep on starting to read your posts and then trailing off, not paying any attention if there's any errors or whatever. *Had to re-read Chibi-chan's post*

And in the end, I only got this, lulz.

Turning towards the glass desk, Illya gave a small bow. "Hello Mrs. Erutenmine. I'm Illyabera Jannet Evanguard." Rising up again, she gave a bright smile, "It's great to have you as a teacher, I've heard so much about you."

After small bow, you should start a new line. If you end the sentence, you start a new line if someone is talking. :< Unless you change that to a comma.

Yay for the edit button. :>

His face was so startled that you could almost see all of his eyes bulging out.

All of his eyes? D: Do only part of them usually bulge out? Like, only the pupil? That’s awfully strange. xD

By the way, sappy stuff is a bad idea in Sanza’s office. ;D You’ll see why in my next post.

Shadow_Yue:

“Is THAT my supervisor?” Luckily Tamilia kept that thought inside her head as she proceeded to walk to her new and hopefully sane teacher.

You need a space between the “ and Luckily. You also need a comma after Luckily, because again, if you say it out loud, it’s not

LUCKILYTAMILIAKEPTTHATTHOUGTHINSIDEHERHEAD.

It’s, Luckily [pause] Tamilia kept that though inside her head.

My students. Get the hell inside. Now." Sanza growled

There would be an opening quote in the front. :3

All the while debating over whether or not it’s worth losing her life to stay there.

Now now, that’s no way to go about using past tense. That would be ‘whether or not it was’. ‘It’s’ is ‘it is’, not ‘it was’. :<

Vitus Volcurn

At least try to spell our names right. :<

“ Hello Mrs. , I’m Tamilia Gandrealas ,it’s nice to meet you." She faced Sanza , only somewhat ready to accept the fate to befall her.

Sanza: MRS.? MRS.???!?!!? THANK YOU VERY MUCH BUT I AM A VERY YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, AND SINGLE WOMAN KTHNX.

And also, you forgot my last name girlie, that’d be ER-U-TEN-MI-NE, to you. You need a space after that comma in front of it’s, and not before the comma. That’s an error I saw in your past posts. It happens again after my name, so fix that. >O

Scarlet Weather
August 4th, 2007, 12:02 PM
Wait, does that mean my posts are perfect? XD

Alright, as a lowly senior I have no right to complain but I kind of thought that this roleplay would focus less on grammatical problems and more on bad habits, etc. I realize it's a bit early in the roleplay for those to have shown up, perhaps, but isn't there going to be criticism for things like latent Gary-stuism, skipping the posts of others, etc.? I can handle grammar fine, thanks, it's other things I need help with more.

Shaydeh
August 4th, 2007, 12:36 PM
Wait, does that mean my posts are perfect? XD

Alright, as a lowly senior I have no right to complain but I kind of thought that this roleplay would focus less on grammatical problems and more on bad habits, etc. I realize it's a bit early in the roleplay for those to have shown up, perhaps, but isn't there going to be criticism for things like latent Gary-stuism, skipping the posts of others, etc.? I can handle grammar fine, thanks, it's other things I need help with more.

Yeah. That's more of what I was expecting too.

Chibi-chan
August 4th, 2007, 12:44 PM
But wouldn't that evolve into personal opinions? I like it the way it is; it's too early to get into Mary-Suism yet! Stuff like that can also be a part of a person's style of writing, so what one person dislikes someone else may like...I like the way it is so far I guess. Is there really that much to comment about this early? o.o

Shaydeh
August 4th, 2007, 02:12 PM
But wouldn't that evolve into personal opinions? I like it the way it is; it's too early to get into Mary-Suism yet! Stuff like that can also be a part of a person's style of writing, so what one person dislikes someone else may like...I like the way it is so far I guess. Is there really that much to comment about this early? o.o

Apparently not. It probably is too early to get into that sort of stuff I guess. Well, I'm going to assume I'm doing everything decently until somebody says something otherwise.

Shadow_Yue
August 8th, 2007, 01:56 PM
Oh goodness jesus christ Mizzy is a bad bad girl, neglecting her own section. D:

I'll get down to critiquing your posts in just a second, I keep on starting to read your posts and then trailing off, not paying any attention if there's any errors or whatever. *Had to re-read Chibi-chan's post*

And in the end, I only got this, lulz.



After small bow, you should start a new line. If you end the sentence, you start a new line if someone is talking. :< Unless you change that to a comma.

Yay for the edit button. :>



All of his eyes? D: Do only part of them usually bulge out? Like, only the pupil? That’s awfully strange. xD

By the way, sappy stuff is a bad idea in Sanza’s office. ;D You’ll see why in my next post.

Shadow_Yue:



You need a space between the “ and Luckily. You also need a comma after Luckily, because again, if you say it out loud, it’s not

LUCKILYTAMILIAKEPTTHATTHOUGTHINSIDEHERHEAD.

It’s, Luckily [pause] Tamilia kept that though inside her head.



There would be an opening quote in the front. :3



Now now, that’s no way to go about using past tense. That would be ‘whether or not it was’. ‘It’s’ is ‘it is’, not ‘it was’. :<



At least try to spell our names right. :<



Sanza: MRS.? MRS.???!?!!? THANK YOU VERY MUCH BUT I AM A VERY YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, AND SINGLE WOMAN KTHNX.

And also, you forgot my last name girlie, that’d be ER-U-TEN-MI-NE, to you. You need a space after that comma in front of it’s, and not before the comma. That’s an error I saw in your past posts. It happens again after my name, so fix that. >O

I'M VERY SORRY!! I knew that you were a Ms. When I typed it , Microsoft changed it to Mrs. for some strange reason. So it meant to come out as

"Hello Ms. ...." ( I left of the last name because since Tamilia is a lazy character I can't see her saying long words, much less trying to pronounce the word in front of said person )

I don't have that much time on the computer so when I check over I check over fast and my eye probably missed that. I normally check the post and read it again days later then edit ( because Microsoft can't see my errors ) But I can't do that NOW , seeing how MS. Sanza has already gotten on my case.

Microsoft Word sucks.

Loki
August 8th, 2007, 02:21 PM
Well. Quite frankly, the issue is that some grammatical errors are repeated over and over again. Shadow_Yue for example.

And, if you would like to point out a few of the things you were looking for me say about your posts, that would be great. Because you know. I'm not psychic, and I can't read minds, and I'm certainly not very capable, so taking a wild stab is out of the question.

And I can handle grammar too thanks. Sarcasm, however, sort of irritates me. I see no Gary-stuism in your character. Thus, no need for me to say anything. I'm not about to go out of my way to say, "GREAT CHARACTER ACC, I REALLY LOVE IT." And bad habits? Wouldn't that include grammatical errors?

And Shadow_Yue, alright, well, Microsoft Word should've corrected those comma's. And it's fine. Sanza flipped out, I didn't, and if you just wanted 'Ms.' then you should probably have spelt it out all the way, like 'Miss'. That way nobody could make the same mistake I did.

JBCBlank
August 8th, 2007, 06:04 PM
Has anything interesting happened while i was gone? *tumble weed blows by*

~JBCBlank

Alter Ego
August 9th, 2007, 07:48 AM
Ehh...sorry for the inactivity, everyone. My uncle's having a big move thing and I was pretty much force-recruited to help carry his stuff; that's cut into my computer time a lot. T_T Anyways, he promised that today was the last time I was needed so I plan on picking up my slack here tomorrow. Sorry, but I just don't have the energy for it today. -.- However, I'll say this: JBC, you've got the present tense thing all over again in your second and third posts. All those present tenses should be abolished so hop to it. >O If a verb ends with 's' then you're doing the present tense again. Also, we've got a repeat of the old 'fallow' instead of 'follow' issue, so same old, same old. EDITNESS: Comments are up, lookie. :3

Oh, and Jyukai/Mizuki (Dang, you change your name way too much): that works just fine for paperwork, but don't forget that the ones who were promoted senior should get their thaumaturgy licenses (B-Class, meaning they're allowed to do their thing without supervision but only on official assignments). I'm also thinking that juniors would get some kind of temporary permit to identify them as thaumaturges in training and allow them spellcasting under proper supervision. ^-^

Aaand as much as I hate to meddle with other people's students: Chigiri, remember that your character is supposed be new to spellcasting since he's in the junior class. Unless he's got a thing for exaggeration then his skills are far closer to senior student than beginner at the academy. x.O Remember, before receiving tutelage most students can control little to no magical power and what little stuff they do tends to be spontaneous.

Anyways, back to the promised comments:

@Phanima: Just a couple of small corrections:

The question perked his ears, causing the eighteen-year old to pause and digest what he had just heard. It was a bad habit that he had grown into that whenever something was said or referred to, he would assume it was in relevance to him. This was an uncharacteristic self-involved habit that Soel was willing to break, but had difficulty in doing so.

First off, hiphon needed for 'eighteen-year old'. But more importantly, the underlined bit seems redundant, seeing as how you're essentially repeating the same thing at the end of the sentence. :3 Other than that there's nothing in need of correction, really. Now if Soel would only move his lazy rear-end into the office as instructed...

@Jack O'Neil: Looks like solid RPing this far (I take it the repeat of his rank is a conscious stylistic choice? If it's not then I'm already over-analyzing. xD). The only thing that struck me was with your first post here:

With that on his mind, Edward exited his room and made his way to the auditorium to (re)attend orientation, as was required of all students at the academy. He evoked the specter of the real-life Schutzstaffel with his current choice of attire: black combination cap, khaki shirt, black tie, black jacket, red armband, black pants (complete with the distinct bulges around the thighs), and black jackboots. However, it was the small things that distinguished this proud officer of the Riven Armed Forces from an actual Nazi; his armband bore a pair of kanji instead of a swastika, his rank insignia was distinctly American in terms of appearance (a single gold bar perched atop each shoulder, as opposed to the embroidered collars common to German uniforms), he wore an Colt M1911A1 instead of a Luger or Walther P38 in his belt holster, and his combination cap was completely unadorned.

This is very descriptive, certainly, but the style is something that would be better suited for a profile. When you list things like this, the tempo of your post slows down because there are no dynamic verbs in between the description. The number of remarks in parenthesis is also a bit detracting. This passage is not outright wrong, but it would sound better if you sort of introduced the pieces of his attire as they become relevant and had something happening in between to give the reader an illusion of progress. Ehh...hope that was somewhat comprehensible. Other than that I don't really have much to comment on yet, although Heidrich could also do with moving inside instead of leaving his 'commanding officer' waiting. :3


Aaanyways, getting to Mika's profile another day because I feel like it and because she's preoccupied with band business anyway and won't know the difference. xD

Scarlet Weather
August 11th, 2007, 10:51 AM
Okay, hold it. If what Mizuki-sensei informs me of is true, then I basically joined this roleplay for no reason other then to find out that my style is A-OK? Jeez, I need to get more self-confidence before I join another learning RP. XD (Okay Mizu-sensei, point taken, I won't grouse about you needing to find something wrong with my character anymore.)

Moving on...

Alright, I admit it! I'm confused. What happens after we get paperwork and junk done? Whatever we want?

Alter Ego
August 11th, 2007, 10:55 AM
That would be the time when someone here ought to take charge. o.o Umm...yeah, after that I reckon' it would probably be a first day without formal classes since the new students need to get acquainted with the people, the place and whatnot. So...character interaction time, exploring the place, that kind of stuff. Oh, and juniors pestering seniors of course. ;3 Unless...someone else among the teachers feels like taking charge for a change and has a more organized idea?

dreemxweever
August 11th, 2007, 05:25 PM
ugh, im sorry everyone, i basically wasted a post when i signed up
i never have any time to post, so i dunno if people have been wondering why im not, but whatever.. Either way, i wont be able to pull my end so Im requesting to be pulled off the RP.. thanks in advanced

JBCBlank
August 11th, 2007, 07:36 PM
Hey AE, just so you know, for the past many many posts, I've been driven off the computer before I've gotten a chance to reread them, so until i get that kind of time, looks like I'll have the same old same old.... ^^".

~JBCBlank

SilverTail
August 21st, 2007, 10:19 AM
er....I'm kind of lost...who is my teacher again? because "Iruka" hasn't posted at all. Did they change their name or something? o.o

Scarlet Weather
August 22nd, 2007, 02:21 PM
Yes, Iruka is now "Shadowfaith", but she seems to have no time for roleplaying at the moment, effectively putting you and the rest of her students in a bind.

She could have at least unclaimed Nanaki before she went on hiatus....

Oh well, he's a guy anyway.