View Full Version : Dead By Morning

Fallen Angel_Messiah Of Black Roses
August 8th, 2007, 12:12 PM
I Hate You.

I Love You.

I Am Confused.

Last Night felt like the perfect time, I never felt so happy.

I never felt so crazy about someone.

I thought we could be with each other forever.

I was wrong.

You broke my heart, left me cold.

You left me so cold, and alone.

I hate you for it.

And yet I still love you so much.

So very much.

I showed you a ring, You showed me the door.

You said I wasn't good enough, I was a joke.

You said that you we're only dating me because of my money.

Because I gave you things.

You laughed in my face.

I drove home.

I cried the whole time.

Once I reached home I sat on my couch.

What should I do?


I love You.

I hate you.

Reaching for the steel in my desk drawer.

Putting the barrel to my head.

I pulled the trigger.

They say you don't feel what kills you.

They were right.

Dead By Morning

I hate you.

I love you.

Dead By Morning

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
August 8th, 2007, 12:21 PM
Really awful and clichéd meaning... There's no rhythm, and that structure is ambiguous. We all should try with closed form poetry more often. People sometimes take the words "free style" to unnecessary places...

I'm sorry, but my Stevey sense just told me there's probably a million more teenagers writing right now about the same subject and purpose. It isn't unique, and you got to work on metric if you really want that to be considered a poem. God forbid a song.

Keep working on your poetry to develop your own style further.

oni flygon
August 26th, 2007, 7:05 PM
Ah... geez.

Please don't think that poetry is just a bunch of sentences thrown together just to convey one single monotone meaning. There's a lot of things to write about rather than a broken heart. Or at least the perceived thought of having one. No really...

Even though I don't mind the lack of structure, I would rather take structure to clean up your poetry. Stanzas would be fine in your case. Repetition is clearly not that well played in your poetry because you can't really emphasize it unless... well... it's already in your title and that's already conveyed enough. The concept itself was just... weak and almost effortlessly just not that appealing.

I can't really help you enough and I hope you're not one of those people who go "This guy said I'm a bad writer so I'm not going to write poems anymore D:" type of people. Keep writing, at least to discover your own style, and at least try to write something other than a teenage phase. :/