A spoonful of humour makes the medicine go down.
I Am Homosex, Hear Me Roar
Posted June 10th, 2011 at 04:44 PM by Catholic Nun
Updated June 10th, 2011 at 05:09 PM by Catholic Nun
Updated June 10th, 2011 at 05:09 PM by Catholic Nun
So, I’m gay. Yes, you heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen: Shining Raichu likes boys. Oh, you already knew? What gave me away? I am a parent’s worst nightmare; that one word that makes the blood drain from their faces as their fantasies of their child’s future - complete with white picket fences and button-nosed grandchildren - are pulled out from under them, only to be replaced with visions of their child leading a conga line of overly-tanned men wearing nothing but leopard-print thongs.
So, to the parents of the general population: now that you know my little secret, you no longer need to lock up your daughters – the worst thing I could possibly do to them is tell them that paisley is the new black and have them redesign their wardrobe based on my advice. However, if you have any sons who are still not sexually active because they “just haven’t found the right girl yet,” then you might want to take pause before you throw away that padlock for good, lest I become your future surprise-son-in-law. Though, why wouldn’t you want me as your son-in-law? Anybody who can speak this articulately is more of a catch than any bubble-gum-chewing skank a straight son would bring you home.
The reason I felt compelled to write this blog is that I was at work on Wednesday listening to the radio and the subject was same-sex marriage. Apparently, a poll showed that 75% of Australians agreed with the concept and only 25% did not. Listeners were asked to call in and share their opinions. I only got to listen to two of the callers (because the customers were getting restless waiting in line to buy their alcohol while I stood at the back of the store turning up the radio to compete with the elevating sound of their cries for service) and the second caller was vehemently against gay marriage, yet unsurprisingly couldn’t seem to pinpoint a valid reason why. Luckily I have an excellent memory, and I recorded his speech in my head verbatim for you all to enjoy:
“Aw, you know, to me, marriage is a guy, a girl and a couple of kids. If two guys want to have a relationship, that’s fine, but to me that’s not marriage. What they do in the privacy of their own home is their business, but it’s not marriage.”
Below, you will see two seconds of footage of me that a customer recorded on their iPhone directly after this aired:
His voice sounded fairly young - he was definitely of this generation - and to my mind that means there is absolutely no justification for his way of thinking. I noted, though, that he only mentioned gay men. My guess would be that he has spent so many hours pleasuring himself to the image of ‘gay’ women that he would feel like a fraud publicly decrying their legal right to be united. Also, I resent the implication that what we do “in the privacy of our own home” (and I think we all know what he meant by that, cryptic though he was) is any more disgusting than what straight people do in the privacy of theirs. It’s all pretty disgusting, isn’t it? We get into it at the time, but if you look at it objectively... well, I won’t go into the graphic details, but I think you all know what I mean.
So I thought I would take this opportunity to address homophobes directly and dispel some of the pre-conceptions they have:
Firstly, if you’ve chosen homophobia, then you’ve chosen a very formidable enemy indeed. This is because we have the element of surprise. A homophobe assumes that a gay person is easy to identify with an effeminate voice and a coat of body glitter. However, this could not be further from the truth. In fact, a homophobe is far easier to identify than a gay person will ever be – you have tells that we do not. Bigotry is handy in that way; it’s difficult to hide. The gay community comes in more diversity than you ever will. We are not everyone, but we are anyone. Anyone at all. I personally don’t have the effeminate voice (not that there is one thing wrong with that) and my body glitter supply ran out three weeks ago. My limp wrist was also surgically corrected. To look at me you would have no idea that I’m one of them. Remember, we could be anywhere. Be afraid.
On that topic, lisping is not a characteristic of a gay person. Homosexuality is not a speech impediment.
Secondly, there is an ironic little secret I will let you in on: We are not attracted to you. The fact that we prefer penises does not mean that we want yours. If you are the kind of guy who would find it disgusting for another man to be attracted to you, then you are not the sort of guy that another man would be attracted to. Unless that man has Daddy issues and you remind them of their homophobic father. Then I can’t help you.
Thirdly, we will not be offended by every gay joke that comes our way. I like to think that I have a pretty good sense of humour about myself, and if your jokes are not intended with any harm I will not take them that way. For instance, I will find it funny if you call me a queen, queer or homo; however I hate the words ‘fag’, ‘******’ and especially ‘poof’. Also, ointment. The latter has nothing to do with being gay, but I would nevertheless be eternally grateful if you were never to say it in my presence.
And finally, now that I have made it official, I would also like to take this opportunity to give a quick shout-out to the sleazy middle-aged men at work who, when queued behind an attractive young lady in an outfit designed to arouse impress, find it fitting to wait until the aforementioned young lady has left the store to approach the counter and say to me, “oh I bet I know why you like working here!” I would love for you all to know that I am revolted by your ‘wink wink nudge nudge’ attitude, and I’m not laughing with you because I agree with you. I’m laughing because you’re making me extremely uncomfortable.
So, that’s the end of my blog. Congratulations if you’ve made it this far. Also, I’ve recently obtained an emblem for my blog and while I know that’s probably not a big deal, I shall henceforth be referring to this as my “award-winning blog.” I’m just like the Huffington Post, I swear.
Total Comments 14
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