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This is why...

Posted June 15th, 2011 at 07:29 PM by Kirozane
Tags lack, love, reasons

...I will never find love. And why I am, for the most part, okay with it.... As well as a mini-rant on my treatment at home and until HS.

I just don't understand why I am treated as I am. And why I can't do the easiest solution. My mom puts me down, and whenever I try to talk to her, no matter how calm I am... She gets dramatic and I cannot get anything through her yelling. So the only solution I have left is to ignore. But I can't. I can't ignore anyone. If I hear something, I listen. I don't hear it. I listen to it. And it's made things difficult. Because, until 9th grade, no matter where I was, anything directed at me was negative. So any chance I had at self esteem was nill. So then, and even now, when I have begun to hear a bit more positive, I have gotten a VERY negative image of myself.

I am ugly. No, really. I am. Here's a picture. This is actually the most recent one I have.... I hate photos because again, I think I'm ugly.
Spoiler:

I am so sorry for scarring your vision forever...
But the backwards part about it is that I think I'm ugly, but not because I'm fat. That is actually the one thing I DO NOT care about. I'm perfectly okay. I just know I can't lose weight very well. I could try, but I know I will fail. So I have to be shamed when I try to eat more than one meal a day.

For a while, I had a negative view because I thought I had no chance of love. I still do, actually. But since I believe I'm asexual (I am 19 and despise the thought of the act. I don't mind people doing it, just not around me... or with me) it's made the thought easier. Who would want to be with someone like that? Be real.

The self abuse factor is a deterrent as well. It's no longer physical. Only Verbal. But maybe that's worse. When something goes wrong, the first person I blame is myself. I am not good enough. It was my fault. I am probably a worse enemy to my self-esteem than my mother, and she is the number one murderer of my happiness. This makes me far too hard on myself.

And lastly, I can't because I just haven't had a good history. I had 3 boyfriends. All of them I went out with because I wanted to try to love them. They were amazing guys... And they liked me (God knows why...) but I could never make it mutual. It felt weird returning an "I love you" to someone you didn't really love...

So, yeah. I'm pretty okay with ending up alone in life. More negatives will probably come of it... But those are road bumps I'll get over when I reach them.

Go ahead and take shots at me people. I don't mind.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Zet's Avatar
    I think you look just fine, and looks aren't everything.
    Posted June 15th, 2011 at 07:52 PM by Zet Zet is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Aquacorde's Avatar
    Pssh. You're not that ugly. Imma be honest and say that you're not exceptionally beautiful- but most people aren't, are they? I know I'm not. Nothing exceptional here. (I happen to be the younger one, jsyk). You're nice-looking, which is far, far away from ugly.

    And I'm sure you can love people. Just maybe not romantically. Friendship love is still love. And friends will be there for you. :3

    Oh and your mom seems a bit of a ***** tbh. I woulda hauled off an punched anyone who treated me like that.
    Posted June 15th, 2011 at 08:21 PM by Aquacorde Aquacorde is offline
    Updated June 15th, 2011 at 09:05 PM by Aquacorde
  3. Old Comment
    TwilightBlade's Avatar
    We both hate our mentally abusive moms, woe.

    Platonic love is where the magic's at. ^^ Genuine friends will not judge nor oppress you.

    At least you have a boyfriend history! You're doing pretty well on the love train, imo. I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you. You have your whole life ahead of you. It'll happen when it'll happen. I'm older than you, can wear a size 3 dress, and have had 0 boyfriends. It's all about your personality! Be positive, then many will love to be around you. Don't let others rain on your sunshine, especially your mother.

    Moms have to be tough to endure the things they have to do to keep the family going. If they can't be, they're miserable, and will take it out on someone else. Moms mean well but can be a major buttsore. Regardless, that is no reason to call her or allow someone else to call her such an awful name.
    Posted June 15th, 2011 at 08:51 PM by TwilightBlade TwilightBlade is online now
  4. Old Comment
    Sterling's Avatar
    It doesn't matter what's on the outside. It's what's on the inside. Yeah yeah, you hear this a lot of times, but it's the truth. Looks aren't everything. Your personality, and your behavior is what's more important imo.

    You're not ugly from what I see in the picture. You're beautiful. Don't hurt yourself by calling yourself ugly, because that's just wrong.

    Your mom is like my mom... she just yells for every little thing about my life, but that's just a sign that she cares about you and she know's what's right for you. If you think it may be the right thing to do, it is. Just keep your head up, and you'll be fine. :3
    Posted June 15th, 2011 at 11:31 PM by Sterling Sterling is offline
  5. Old Comment
    EmeraldSerenade's Avatar
    Keep your head up.

    Personality>Looks

    I may hate the way I look as well, but it doesn't mean I should sulk about it all the time. Life is short, and should be enjoyed to the fullest extent.

    Sure, people may give you a hard time once in a while, but you just have to be the better person and ignore them.

    BTW, You look fine.

    So just smile and think of the positives! And I'm sorry your mom acts like that. I wouldn't want to be treated like that either :<
    Posted June 16th, 2011 at 01:59 PM by EmeraldSerenade EmeraldSerenade is offline
 

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