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sonder
i can't afford a diary, so this will have to do
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.

I had an attitude problem.

Posted December 2nd, 2012 at 05:39 AM by abnegation
Updated December 2nd, 2012 at 07:03 PM by abnegation

inb4 "you can say that again"
Two thousand and twelve, those numbers mean more than just "the year that is, and almost was." To me, they signify one of the most significant struggles I've worked through in my lifetime. Everybody has their own way of dealing with things, and everybody has their subconscious way. Mine happened to be the large expulsion of negative and distasteful attitude, in which had never really been a part of me. During 2012 I went through a number of things, I dropped out of college, twice, which followed endless job searching, I was admitted to hospital for near starvation, money became a real issue for me. Throughout the year I began to rely on alcohol quite heavily, whereby what was every weekend, became every other day, which grew to me scraping money together to drink as much as I could every other day. The blood in my veins began to turn to gold, and my desire was the sweet void of placidity in which alcohol can bring. After a few months I worked through it, and began to think seriously about my future. My grandfather passed away this year, which I had been expecting, but nonetheless, I was very fond of him, and if there's one thing I learned from him after that funeral that day; no matter what you have in life, smile through it, there's always something there to make you happy enough to do so.

College was rolling up, and I had been with a girl for 2 years, whom I loved, I loved her like the night must love its stars. She was the one person I could speak about anything with, my best friend, my lover and we mutually felt we could get through anything together. We moved 100 miles away, together but into our own places. Moving was tough for me, I left all my friends, my family, my job, pets, home, all of it behind. I don't see my siblings as much, and they're both quite young so I was looking forward to seeing them grow up, but now I see them a lot less, I don't see the growing so much as the grown.

Starting college and moving to capitol city was all quite daunting, but I was finally happy, completely happy with how life was treating me. After several weeks, and having moved twice, been sent death threats, and well just the general stress you get when you move away. She broke up with me not long after that, the one person I knew in this big city. I don't need to quite exclaim how hard I took that, however, I reached a crossroads. I was finally happy with how things were in my life, and everything was knocking me back, but I kept pushing forward and wanting things to stay happy and positive. This hit me like a train. After two weeks of heartache, I just got right back up on the saddle and kept going. I didn't want to be the person I began to despise. When you start being who you are, and stop leaning on other people and believing you can't live without them, you can reach a sense of happiness you've never had before.

To anybody who feels or has been told that their attitude is bad, then don't worry. It's a tough rut to get out of, and an even tougher thing to prove to people that you're making an effort, truly. However, the best thing to do is keep yourself occupied, stay away from the things that make you negative, and if you feel that you're going to be, keep your mouth shut. It's a hard battle, the one with yourself, but it's worth every bit of effort to work through it. If you're not happy with yourself than you can forget about being happy overall. So if you're like me and let life take its toll on you for a period of time, just remember that life isn't the one kicking you when you're down; only you can do that to yourself.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    derozio's Avatar
    I..had no idea life can be like that. That's too harsh. The difficulties I've faced, if any, pale severely in comparison.

    And I didn't think the person I admired could ever go through a hard phase in life like that. I mean, in my mind, you're virtually perfect. But yes, keep being strong, Gav. You're one of those people here who inspire me to be a better person.
    Posted December 2nd, 2012 at 07:08 AM by derozio derozio is offline
  2. Old Comment
    "When you start being who you are, and stop leaning on other people and believing you can't live without them, you can reach a sense of happiness you've never had before." Very inspirational quote. (:
    Posted December 2nd, 2012 at 07:12 AM by
  3. Old Comment
    Hikamaru's Avatar
    I once had a bad attitude like this, and it still needs fixing.

    But you know, everyone at PC is an inspiration to me.
    Posted December 2nd, 2012 at 06:38 PM by Hikamaru Hikamaru is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Jak's Avatar
    Well, I wish I could take a break up like you.
    Posted December 2nd, 2012 at 07:51 PM by Jak Jak is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Bravo Gav... amazing blog. I really felt for you as I read it...
    Posted December 2nd, 2012 at 08:12 PM by Cordelia Cordelia is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Cadance's Avatar
    +1

    I gotz a tear in my eye rn!
    Posted December 2nd, 2012 at 09:25 PM by Cadance Cadance is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Esper's Avatar
    I'm glad you're getting through this, glad you're not letting the bad things in life keep you down forever.
    Posted December 2nd, 2012 at 09:44 PM by Esper Esper is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Went's Avatar
    Quote:
    It's a tough rut to get out of, and an even tougher thing to prove to people that you're making an effort
    Sometimes you need it to prove it to yourself, then it becomes obvious for everybody else.
    Posted December 3rd, 2012 at 08:05 AM by Went Went is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    Quote:
    However, the best thing to do is keep yourself occupied, stay away from the things that make you negative, and if you feel that you're going to be, keep your mouth shut. It's a hard battle, the one with yourself, but it's worth every bit of effort to work through it.
    This was one of the hardest things I've had to learn for myself, too, and I am happy you were able to pull through and keep going. We both know there will still be times that will bring you down but just.. keep at it Gav, and everything will be okay. You've fallen a lot this year, but you've also grown too. Thanks for sharing this blog; it was insightful.
    Posted December 3rd, 2012 at 08:15 AM by Kura Kura is offline
 

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