&Your effort was valueless, sorry, princess~.
Welcome to Hell, Me.
So I'm not it a good state right now. Mentally, anyway.
Okay... where do I begin? ...Uh, school I guess. I really need to step my game up in school: I'm failing math and earth science. When I learned this I think my life fell on my shoulders and I starting pummeling into hell. Actually, no, scratch that... I felt frustrated at myself. Because to begin with I know I can do better. I don't understand math right now... and I'm failing a lot of tests... but I cannot afford to fail math! I can't! I know I can't! And if I do I'll have to go to summer school... I won't survive in summer school! My Science class...well...it's a joke. Everyone's failing. That of which I suspected. But that doesn't mean it's okay. I need to force myself to do better. Or else I'll either end up repeating or...going to summer school. I won't last in summer school...
That, and... I haven't been able to write a lot of poetry lately. It saves me...and yet I can't write any? I was able to write one a week ago but that was before I found out how much of a failure I was at school. I'm trying to write "Pony Glass". A poem where the front is ponies. But I can't seem to think up any ideas for it or anything at all. So there's that. If I can't write any poetry the walls and fortresses in my mind will come back and torture me. I don't want that to happen. Hopefully my poetic poise will come back in a day or two because I need it back. Reading is only temporary and it does nothing right now.
I'm in hell. ...Or so it would seem. I feel like I'm in a living hell and I don't know when I'm going to come out of hell. ...When my grades go back up they will. Maybe that's when I'll be back in the world of humans. But as of right now I'm spiraling....in hell. And I feel a little apprehensive and maybe a little anxious. It's also an on-and off depression. These are a few things that trigger the darkness. That of course won't solve anything so I have to stay strong so it doesn't come back to attack me. ^^;
I know I'm not normal, of course I'm not. I never was normal. But one thing is for sure that right now I'm anything but okay. I'll be fine...mentally at least...sooner or later. Not right now, but perhaps soon I will. I'm probably going to have to deal with a lot more dizziness for a little while... and more crying... those are two things I'm sure of. Unless I somehow learn to accept myself and what has happened to me... then maybe neither will occur. I hate it when my head spins--it's another thing that always tortures me. Maybe it's nerve damage or a trigger to anxiety. But that can't be it because I'm barley ever anxious.
So perhaps I'm just really stressed... but in a week or so... I'll be okay... I'll try not to get too depressed. I'll try not to cry myself to sleep. ...And I'll try not to lose my sanity. Even though I'm pretty close to again. If I become insane that'll basically be the end of me. Or at least, the end of who I am now. When I'm finally insane I won't be me anymore; I'll be something completely different: a real monster. Or just an insane human monster. Eventually I want to feel like I am human again, lately I just feel like a monster. A monster who thinks it can be human. Although I still want to feel better on the inside and obtain real happiness and purpose. I admit that lately I have been projecting fake happiness... it's not healthy and by now I can see that it isn't. No, it's bad to project fake happiness. I know that by now. It's one of the things I need to stop.
When I was younger I'm pretty sure I was a lot happier. But...that was then and this is now. I was probably a happy-go-lucky child. But no longer am I. Because I hate myself. And perhaps because I'm a teen now I can't be happy-go-lucky. That and I'm a major pessimist. I also beat myself up too much. ...Another thing I need to stop. I also need to stop calling myself a freak and much more. It could help me to become happy again essentially. But then again I'm in my teenage years. When I get older I'll be more mature and I'll be able to handle myself and perhaps I'll become an optimist over a pessimist again. Although I don't think I ever liked myself...maybe that will change eventually. It needs to. Self acceptance is the key to being happy.
Honestly the only way to get rid of pain is to embrace it. Just like the darkness. Everything depends on me. Life is like a never ending story--it lasts after you die. It starts when you are born. Hardships come around and they go away only if you conquer them. That I know for sure. Right now is just a hardship in school and mentally, too. The mind is such a crazy thing and it can't be tampered with because anything can corrupt it. Arguably I know I'm dangerous in many ways--sometimes I fear that the abyss in my mind can corrupt other human beings. Especially if others were to enter my own world I always wonder if anyone were to enter my world if they could ever come back. I honestly think they wouldn't.
Oh my god.. my head... I can't... I can't write anymore... I can't... ahhh... help...this always happens... why?
I don't know why but being alive is by the most scariest thing... some of you I know understand at least that.
Posted March 8th, 2013 at 6:15 PM by Honest
Posted March 8th, 2013 at 10:49 PM by Hikamaru
Posted March 9th, 2013 at 5:11 AM by Overlord Drakow
Posted March 9th, 2013 at 6:27 AM by Kura
Posted March 10th, 2013 at 6:41 PM by Oryx