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The trouble of standing out in a crowd.

Posted June 19th, 2013 at 9:00 PM by colours

Yes, this is a rant blog.

This past day or two...or rather, these past few weeks (but they come and go...or at least I thought. Those feelings have been more prevalent as of recent), I've just been...fairly depressed, I suppose. I hate that feeling when you're just...nothing, y'know. When you feel like you haven't made an impact enough yet...when you want to leave some sort of imprint on someone (in a good way, of course!) and yet, things don't quite turn out as expected.

I have my fair share of friends of course, but even then, the feeling still lingers. Why do I still feel...unwanted? I feel isolated, that even though I have friends, that I feel that they don't want to associate with me anymore, primarily because I'm just too terrible at conversations. Sure, I can bring up a simple hi, but what am I supposed to say afterwards? This is the internet, aren't things easier said on the internet because you have time to think about what you're going to type before you type them? I've just been..reflecting upon myself, and perhaps I am being a bit too hard on myself, but I just still feel this way. I feel left out. And I hate feeling that way. I just hate feeling alone, when I don't really have that "circle of friends" that a lot of people do here at PC.

Maybe it's just me, though. Either way, I needed to get this off of my shoulders, and it's been really hard on me. I apologize to those of you who I rarely share conversations with anymore, I just don't know who I've become at this point. .___.; I feel like I've let a lot of people down. It really is a struggle trying to maintain online frendships unless you REALLY have something in common with those people. I suppose it is my fault at the same time since I'm not the kind of person that says too much about myself. But I still...want to make an impact on this world. Somehow. A positive impact, and it'll mean so much to me if I do...maybe this is a lot to ask for but...yeah. To be a leader in this world, and to make a positive impact on people's lives...thats how I want to live my life. It'll make me feel a lot more accomplished. To lead other leaders, to set an example for the following generations to come.

...Maybe I'm just stretching it a bit. It's nice to think big, though.
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  1. Old Comment
    Melody's Avatar
    Derk, I think you're being too hard on yourself.
    Posted June 19th, 2013 at 10:37 PM by Melody Melody is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Castform's Avatar
    I agree with Pachy, Derk. You are amazing and have lots of friends here. You do a great job, and don't need to look so down on yourself. I have learned personally that looking for flaws in oneself and constantly assuming that there are a bunch of them will make you miserable.

    You have left an impact on many people, including myself. Cheer up Derk!
    Posted June 19th, 2013 at 10:40 PM by Castform Castform is online now
  3. Old Comment
    colours's Avatar
    Yeah, it's a terrible habit of mine to be overly self-critical. >.> I should really stop doing that...I think it's because I don't really have much self-esteem anymore, so I really question myself pretty frequently.

    I'm also pretty hard on myself because there's some sort of threshold that I set for myself in order for me to really see myself in a positive light, and even if I meet that threshold, who's to say that I even would then? Looking at yourself in constant criticism isn't the greatest thing to do, but when I look at myself, sometimes I think it's necessary. I know no one is perfect in any way, I just want to be a strong person in people's eyes.

    My mind just...out of nowhere, thinks "you dont have much of an impact on your friend's lives as you think you do/you will have no effect on people" so it just drives me nuts from there. @_@
    Posted June 19th, 2013 at 11:08 PM by colours colours is online now
  4. Old Comment
    derozio's Avatar
    You're a great guy, Derk. Do not let anything make you think that you're not. I, too, do suffer a bit from low self-esteem and being over-critical of myself. So I know where you're coming from. I can relate to you. But please don't let anything make you feel as if you're "nothing". You never were and never will be. You're one of the most amazing people I've met here, genuinely one of the "best" members in my eyes, and are probably more treasured by your real life friends than you can ever imagine. So please just drop all these stupid thoughts.

    Oh, and it's okay to be ambitious. I'm ambitious too (quite a lot, actually, but let's not get into that). But try not to let that ambition make you feel useless. As in "I'm someone who needs to make a difference but I'm such a useless kid since I can't ever do anything". That train of thought is just wrong. Everybody, no matter who, do matter and change the world in whatever little way they possibly can. The world would definitely be a different place without you around because people around you would be affected by it. So you, in fact, are contributing towards the world in your own way. And I believe that a person like you can go high places. Just don't let all these unnecessary thoughts chain you down to the ground; you're someone who I can see flying high in the sky.
    Posted June 20th, 2013 at 4:44 AM by derozio derozio is offline
  5. Old Comment
    colours's Avatar
    Yeah, you're right Dero! You, and everyone else that has helped me so far have...honestly cheered me up a lot. In a position in my life where I was feeling useless for some reason, it's nice to know that those thoughts were just jibberish, and I shouldn't have to worry about the such now. Seriously, you all have been so much help, and thank you all for that ^^;
    Posted June 20th, 2013 at 5:44 AM by colours colours is online now
  6. Old Comment
    derozio's Avatar
    Damn straight, dude. Really glad to hear that. Remember to always keep that head of yours high and do not ever consider yourself someone who's not good enough. I'm sure life's got good stuff in store for you. :)

    Oh, and this is sort-of unrelated but ehh, I'll just say it since I have the chance - I always thought you were a much better member than I ever was or could be. :D
    Posted June 20th, 2013 at 7:51 AM by derozio derozio is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Karnavaly's Avatar
    Riku. You're a great person. A lot better of a person than I could ever be. Cheer up, dear. I know what it's like to be depressed as you are right now and that's all I can think to say...
    Posted June 20th, 2013 at 8:18 AM by Karnavaly Karnavaly is online now
  8. Old Comment
    colours's Avatar
    Wow...that's such a nice thing for you to say, Dero. ;~; ...I'm left speechless...but thank you so much...that means a lot. .____.;

    I feel..you're one of the greatest members here, too. I look up to you also, you're an inspirational figure to me ^^;

    haha this is such an awkwardly worded response. u_u;

    also thanks palamon! :D
    Posted June 20th, 2013 at 8:23 AM by colours colours is online now
  9. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    Have you ever thought about making a positive impact on yourself? I think if you start there, it'll trickle down eventually to other people if that's how you truly feel.
    Derozio has some pretty powerful words and I believe they're all true. Now you have to take the steps to fully believe them too. ;3
    Posted June 20th, 2013 at 9:13 AM by Kura Kura is offline

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