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My haunted past

Posted May 18th, 2013 at 04:18 PM by Dakota

I've been thinking about this for a long time, whether or not I should publicize something like this. I've already made it public to the people I know irl, and that went rather decently, so I figured it couldn't hurt to let you guys here know. The contents about what I'm about to post explain a little bit about myself, along with perhaps how and why I behave the way that I do sometimes.

People know me to be... cheery. Happy, even. There's also perhaps the public opinion that I can be a flirt. That wasn't always the case. Hell, if I'm honest, it should never have been the case.

Around 3 years ago, back when I lived in my old apartment, I used to be a quieter, shy kid. Played soccer in the little park with my buddies and had a crush on a girl who I met on the first day of high school (I was in my second year). I didn't really know how to communicate my feelings, but I didn't really care. I liked her, but I was content with being quiet.

I wish I knew I'd soon be forced to talk.

One day, I was in the park when this kid came over to me. He asked me to come over to this group of two other girls who were around 2 years younger than myself. I didn't stop to think about anything that could possibly go wrong, cause, well, they were kids. What harm can they do, right? Well, I went over, and the two girls looked shyly to the ground. When the kid who called me over realized they weren't going to talk, he talked for them and said that they wanted my email address (cause I guess asking for phone numbers is too cliche). I wasn't really paying all that much attention, thanks to my friends hollering at me to get back into the game, so I wrote down my AIM screen name on a piece of paper and handed it to them.

Worst mistake of my life. Ever.

I forgot all about that moment until about two days later. Some random person IMed me, and I soon figured out it was one of the girls. You know how people usually say hi when beginning a conversation. Well, she started of with something else: I HUGE speech about... how she was in love with me. When I first saw it, I was literally just like "wtf" in my head. I don't have a copy of what she wrote, but there was desperation in the speech. I liked someone else, though. So being as gentle as I could, I told her that I liked someone else, and that I couldn't let my feelings go of her. But of course, people are so damn self centered nowadays. She said that she didn't give a crap, that she was obsessed with me and I had to in turn like, if not love her back.

Totally fair, huh? I responded with me saying that I had no idea who she was, and that she had no right to barge into my life like that with a bomb. I also said that if she wanted to talk with me, she'd have to chill out and simply talk about stuff, and not focus so much on me wanting to like her. She understood and listened.... for like 24 hours. Then came another speech, and I in turn got really annoyed and reiterated what I had said the other day.

This happened a few times, actually, perhaps 3 or 4. And the messaged got progressively worse. At one point, her friend got involved and attempted to manipulate my thoughts. She send me messages about how the girl had one day left the house at night in a daze and almost got run over by a truck cause she was dreaming about me. I called bull on her story, but I wasn't sure really. This girl was freaking me out, and I didn't know what to do. And it only got worse.

At one point, the girl who was obsessing over me asked me if I would add her on Facebook. She said, and I quote "I wan't talk to you, I just want to see your pictures". Well, creepy much? I don't know what on earth I was thinking, but in a moment of pity, I said okay. And then the real bombs went off.

One day, I went on AIM, and got an IM from the friend. Except it was a picture. Of someone's arm. With my name, Dipu, carved into the skin.

She ****ing carved my name onto her arm.

I was so freaked out. Scared, even. She was really obsessed with me, but at the same time, I was stubborn and wouldn't let her run my life. I wasn't going to give up on a girl who I'd liked for two years simply for a girl I'd never even talked to in person. And her freaking me out like this wasn't going to make me sway on my decision any more likely. So I took matters to my own hand. I left her a message clearly stating why I wouldn't give her a chance, and then proceeded to block her. On AIM only.

Next day, I get an IM from someone. It's the same girl, only with a new username. And an even more crazy psycho letter. I don't remember what the letters even say, simply cause it's been both too long, and the fact that I've tried so hard to block this from my memory. But I remember the gist of what was happening. So. I blocked her again. And again. And again.

After about 4 times, I had enough. And I deleted my AIM account. Luckily, it was my newer SN, I still had my old SN, but that's besides the point. I forgot that I had her on Facebook. And she messaged me there. Begging me to talk to her. And I did, I tried to get her to calm down. But it didn't work, she kept spewing some scary insane BS, and I kept worrying for her life. She was legitimately prospecting suicide, and I didn't know WHAT to do. I couldn't turn to my family, cause if I did, they'd likely take it out on me, cause everything's always my fault. So I turned to my friend, my closest friend.

He already knew about it, though. The creep (which I've dubbed her, full name creepy stalker *****) emailed my best friend (how she got his email, I don't know) and begged HIM to tell me to give her a chance. Like a true friend, he told her to get off my back, considering I had no interest in being with her. I would have had no qualms with being a friend, but that wasn't good enough for her. She wouldn't let me go.

Fast forward past the BS and crap to April 2011. I was playing soccer with my friends, but I was extremely on edge. The whole fiasco had been going on for about four months now. I couldn't focus on much, and I got angry really quickly. I was scared, and I was depressed. At one point, my friend started mocking me cause I missed a save.

And I lost it. I went up to him, punched him in the face, then proceeded to wreck the entire park. Threw trash cans everywhere, punched a statue, kicked benches. I don't remember the incident that well, considering everything was white noise for me. And then.... I collapsed. I broke down into tears and started sobbing at what my life was at. I didn't know what to do. My friends came around me, worried, and asked if everything was alright. I responded by apologizing to the kid who I had punched, then went home, logged on the computer, and gave the creep a taste of her own medicine. I told her that she was selfish, arrogant, crazy, the whole works. I then told her that she had "made my life a living hell" and then proceeded to block her and walked away. And then, my resolve hardened.

I think that's when YOLO was invented. Cause for some reason, with that behind me, I thought it was time I did what I had to do. Granted, I was distressed, and freaked, but I wanted some closure. I went to the girl who I had a crush on, and asked her to a date the day after blasting the creep. And she turned me down.

And I was okay with that. I smiled, in fact. I dunno, I had always thought I'd break down if she said no, but I didn't. I had gotten an answer, and I was okay with that.

Things were fine for about two or three months. Then one night, I got a text.

It. Was. Her.

How on earth she got my phone number, I don't know. But when I saw the text, something happened. Next thing I knew, my phone was permalocked. I don't know what happened, but it did.

The very next day, I changed EVERYTHING I had. Aim, Facebook, the works. I even figured it'd be safe to not go on PC anymore. And I stayed off. That's why I was inactive for most of 2011. I needed a fresh start. And I gave myself one.

Ever since that day, the girl hasn't contacted me. But she left a scar, a really bad one. Ever since her, I haven't really been able to "like" anyone. I don't know if the two facts have ANYTHING in common, but it's how it is. I still like that same girl I liked back then, and that was 2 or 3 years ago. Granted, I don't care at this point, considering we're still best friends. But I've never legitimately felt any pangs of "like" for anyone else, minus this one girl (and that only happened cause I reflected and realized what was wrong with me).

I feel the reason I act like a flirt is because I'm searching for a reason to like someone again. That might so cold or whatever, but I think that might be it. Ever since my sad 2011, I've never been able to look at a girl aside from my original crush without remembering the hell I was put through. It's just... -sigh-.

I have ta go. Dunno if I'll edit this or not. Cause I'm not exactly done. But I've been writing this for nearly an hour. So yeah.
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  1. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    You'll like someone eventually. You can't force those sorts of feelings after all. Sucks that you had to encounter suck a crazy freakshow, but I don't think you should stress out about finding someone, especially if you are feeling desperate about it. Just try and let the past go as well as you can, and tell yourself you're not going to let her "win" by influencing your future or decisions any longer <3
    Posted May 18th, 2013 at 04:47 PM by Kura Kura is offline

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