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this used to help years ago, trying it again

Posted November 27th, 2013 at 05:43 AM by Forever

you don't need to read this, so... yeah. typing it for myself i guess but i need to get my thoughts out there really. disabling comments! you might not understand but you can read if you wanna :)

i miss you guys and i don't know where my direction is going. i feel like i don't know who i'm closest with even though i do but idk i'm spreading myself around that i can't think of just one person i can spill everything out on, and this does affect me for some sort of reason. i just need just one of you just to have there, and i had that in the past and i sort of figured it was okay to drift because i had someone else but now i don't have that anymore it's not the same. i feel like my mind s legitimately constantly thinking and i can't escape it. i just... can't seemto find a balanece wherre it's all okay, and i feel like i'm still stuck in the past, the present and the futuer at the same time. i don't know what i hope for the future or what i want but i feel like it's impossible. i want to think that it's possible but i know it isn't and i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know if i'll ever get the freedom i want, or ever get the closeness i need. will i actually sort things out? how do i forget? how do i do things anew? i can't do this, it isn't me and i literally don't know what to do.

i feel like i'm up and down with sadness, i'm okay when i think it's not over but then when i remember the reality that it is that's when i get sad, and that's when i know the truth. i don't get this at all and i hate it, and i regret all of it if i can't figure out what i'm doing with my mind. i really want to understand what i'm thinking but i don't. i miss those things so much and knowing that it was a one off is super sad, and i legitimately don't think i can take that if i think about it. i have to do what i do with every happy thing; forget it ever happened and just make it seem like a bad memory. i don't want to have to but it's sad and i don't think i can cope with it otherwise. i'm trying to involve myself in other stuff to get back my excitement or at least get distracted enough not to care. it works but then i go back to reality. it makes me wonder why i was put here and why it all wasn't different. what ultimtely decided that i'd be down this path now, that other things would be down those paths. i can't smile because i know it's over... normally i can convince myself that everything happened for a reason but this is one time i legitimately can't convince myself that everything has happened and has a huge major meaning. it just... sucks. i can't find happy meaning in things yet and i don't want to, and i feel like it's all prt of a greater negative thing, ut i know that there is happiness there.

this year was really the year i wanted to do everything in, and i did do it all. but yet i'm still sad with how it turned out, i mean although it was achieve w/eyou want year it isn't the year where everything remains the same to be happy. maybe from 20fourteen but i doubt that idk. and every little thing reminds me of then and it sucks, and i just wnt everything forever and i know i can't have everything forever. i just wish that there was something which could maybe just... last. one thing that could be ongoing that idn't have to end that makes me happy. but i really don't think that it's possible and i'm used to the idea of everything ending - another thing 2013 has taught me. but even though that i set so many goals and did so many things i never thought i could really do this year, which is something major. it's different from all the other years in that it's ended a lot of things but it's started a lot of things, maybe even windows of opportunities. i've become used to a different... place, i've just went through so much confusion and i don't even know. but at the end i'm still happy that i went through all that because there has been positive and as long as i can dream i won't be able to forget the positive: i'll always dream it as positive even if it's negative for real.

i really want to be okay with remembering the past and being happy that it happened but it's so hard when i don't know the future. i don't think i'll e able to be okay with everything for a long while, and be able to just get to the future. it seems so fr but i want it so bad and i'm going to make it happen.

i hope i continue finding fun n everything i do, and that i can make it through to when i can escape somehow. i need to be freed from where i'm at and i need to start all over again. i'm not sure if my idea for the future will make me sad or not but i guess we'll see when i get to that point.

but then little things come to mind when i look here, that volcarona style, other things i did. i've got problems i guess but despite that i've done so much and i can do so much more and that helps me motivate myself that i will get through this despite the fact that it's confusing and confuses me in so many ways,. i'm happy for what i have but i don't want to say anything dumb but i do that when i try to distract myself from being sad. i just want to get over all those thoughts and just be happy and find happiness in everything. i know that me is in there somewhere but i physically can't reach that yet, and it will take time to get to that point. i know i can find happiness and i know it isn't far away, and i know that in a few months i'll beglad for everything - i always am but i just can't really get through it all now without finding sad or happy in it, no real middle ground. i don't know what i'm meant to do but yeah.

but i guess it happened. not many people were lucky enough for it to happen, and that's cool. you got to experience something that many others haven't and you can actually do great with remembering that. forever you can always remember that as a positivething, something you actually did. it was an experience and that's what matters most of all. it didn't have to be forever because itd didn't feel like it would be forever. i don't know what it feels lik when things feel forever-forever, but when i get to that point i'll know, and i'll eventually get to that point where i'll find a destiny that feels like it'll last forever. i have hapy memories so why do i have to make them into sad? the thing that'll get me through it easiest is if i remember i got to do what others might not be able to or may not get a chance to do, and for things to actually be positive rather than bad is so good, so i don't really need t be sad. i would like for something similar one day, and my dreams certainly want that but eventually i'll let go. it'll take months and distraction but at least i don't know the future, and as long as i can imagine things, dream things, and remmeber things, literally anything is possible, and i can go to anywhere, and any reality if i believe, and i do believe that it's all going to be reality one day, and while that isn't reality, tere will be an even better reality and i'll remember that forever as something important, but that i'll always remmeber as a happy memory when i remember other things.

just need to stop overthinking and remembering back to the good things and know that it happened and it was good, and it was like a dream. at least i know that if it was likea dream, it felt too good to be true and i'll always remmeber it as that way. i can do this.

sorry it sounded razy i am crazy i had a lot to get out!!
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