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sonder
i can't afford a diary, so this will have to do
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
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In a sea of broken promises

Posted May 31st, 2010 at 07:36 AM by abnegation
Updated May 31st, 2010 at 07:51 AM by abnegation

This is probably gonna go all over the place... If you end up reading it all you may as well drop a reply, just so I know I'm not just a rambling lunatic.

Things in my life have always been a little hectic. I'm the greatest procrastinator you'll ever meet yet, I have so much to be doing next to all the time. I sometimes wonder if my life doesn't match my emotions, my mind; who I am. Everyday, I think about that one girl and how things could be if I just did things differently, if who I am matched the way I live. Everyday I think my grades would be different if who I am matched the way I live. Everyday I wonder, what if, what if the way I live had an effect on who I am? Would I be a better person? Would I achieve the things I desire? Who I am, is just, it's not easy explained but I'm pretty laid back and I fall in love with the right people but at the same time, not the ones who feel the same, and vice versa. I would do everything in my will to make certain people happy.

Take this one person, she's my friend yet all my emotions are poured into her, my life lies in her arms and my well being relies on how she feels. I'd do anything to make her smile, to see those cheeks raise, those teeth show and those eyes shine. But you might know I feel like we should be more than that. It comes back to what I was saying earlier, I feel like who I am, is perfect for her yet, my life seems to want us to be friends and when the boundaries of friends and more so has been broken as it has in the past, things seem to be perfect. Yet, life takes over again and goes back to normal.

I think there may be a reason I never achieve the things I want, or at least, I rarely do. I take on so many things and I promise myself I'll get them done, I take them on all at once and I take them on and see them as if they have to be done today and not just something that can be done across a number of days or something I shouldn't have taken on at all. This week, I have exams, yet, what pries on my mind is more than that. I have a list of things to do, but I think I should focus on my exams, then, move on to working on my relationship with the aforementioned girl. I think the mistakes I've made were due to the fact that I took so many projects or tasks on and never dedicated myself to one thing at one time, hence procrastination.

PC ties into this too. I've been meaning to post more, I'm usually active in a few sections and I tend to spend some time in some random ones but all in all there are some sections I frequent. But lately, I just haven't bothered posting. When I do it's a few a day. I think to myself that Summer is coming soon, I'll be posting more often then, but I contradict it and say there are more things I should be doing. Though on PC, I do have things outside of posting that I should be doing, I just feel that at times, efforts I make for certain things are in some ways overlooked, and not only by others but myself too, I tend to forget why I put so much work into something.

I haven't fallen out of any friendships as such but, I really haven't been taking care of a lot of them. I'm really not someone who shines in groups, I tend to prefer to talk to people individually and yet, most of my friends now are all coming together and the only opportunity I have to speak to them is in those group conversations. It's hard to explain but I'd rather have a one on one or a few people together rather than just everyone talking at once where there's very little connection showed between friends.

There's a quote, a quote in which I cannot understand, something that does not live up to my life experiences, I just know I'm doing something wrong. I know I'm on the brink of extreme happiness but, this quote, I love it, I just wish it applied to me:

"The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny ... it is the light that guides your way."
-Heraclitus

So what I'm saying is, should I just take things one at a time? Slow down and stop taking on so many ambitions. God knows I have so many hopes and dreams but in turn, I curse the fact that they never come true. Maybe I should stop wishing, stop dreaming and make the surreal become reality.
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  1. Old Comment
    BHwolfgang's Avatar
    Gavin, personally, I do think that you're taking in too much of everything. Perhaps only focusing on what's most important right now, like your exams. I suggest that you should study for your exams in the meantime. No matter how grueling it might be, your education is the most important thing right now. Without it, you can kiss your future goodbye. Seriously, study when you have the chance.

    Your online friends will be waiting for you. :) Just snap back into reality, because we understand what you're going through right now. Everyone has been in such a situation before. Don't think that you're the only one. Procrastination strikes a person almost everyday in his or her life. Again, you should work on your life situations first before coming back here. It would be a bummer to not see you active for a while, but at least we know that you're trying your best to make everything right for you.

    About your girl situation, this all ties with what I'm saying. You can't win her over if you spend your time on the internet working on some ROM Hack or forum skin. Your internet-related works can be delayed, but what's happening between you two can't. Can you say yes if you ask yourself that you can always get her whenever you want?
    Posted May 31st, 2010 at 09:11 AM by BHwolfgang BHwolfgang is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Zebeedoo's Avatar
    All I can really say is; good luck with everything. ~
    Posted May 31st, 2010 at 02:26 PM by Zebeedoo Zebeedoo is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Forever's Avatar
    No group convos?! Um. Have fun with whatever you decide to do.
    Posted May 31st, 2010 at 05:41 PM by Forever Forever is offline
 

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