I got some bad news yesterday. :(
My mom called me while I was at work, about to go on break. My grandfather died on Friday. His funeral is on Wednesday, up in Wisconsin.
Right now it's kind of stressful. I really want to attend his funeral, but I have to basically clear out my bank account to do so. My sister insists what I have will get us up there, but I'm afraid that it's still not going to be enough, or that something will go wrong and we won't have enough money to cover it. Not only that, but I don't actually know until tomorrow if my boss will clear the schedule for me to be gone for three days. On one hand, if he doesn't, I think I might just walk out on the job. I'm tired of working there, the management sucks. On the other, I don't want to screw myself over because I'm frightened that I will be unemployed for weeks, if not months, if I just quit without getting another job first. As much as I love my family, I don't know if I want to risk it.
But I think what makes me feel the worst is that I just don't feel too upset about his death. I keep telling myself that it's probably just not sunk in yet, that he's gone. I still haven't cried over it at all, although I've gotten close to tears. Which is funny... the last few times I visited him, I nearly cried. He had Alzheimer's since around 2004. My mom was in the military, meaning we rarely visited our grandparents; it was even worse after my father died as the few trips we did get, we only visited my paternal grandparents for one day. Not only did he look worse as the years went on, I was sure that the last two times I saw him, he didn't recognize me.
I saw him last during my trip up to Wisconsin in September. He'd just been admitted to a nursing home in town just days before. My grandmother was so distressed over it. I couldn't blame her, as the nursing home staff didn't seem too competent, considering his lunch had two things he couldn't eat. I sat in a chair the whole time there, hardly saying a word. I didn't really have much to say. It's been that way with my paternal grandparents for years, and with a lot of my extended family, really. My grandpa was pretty quiet, too. He only seemed to recognize my grandma, but he seemed quite happy that she was there. It was only during those rare moments that he seemed like the same grandpa I knew as a kid. I just... to be honest, I hardly saw him, but he was such an amazing person. Unlike my grandma, who I thought was a bit mean as a kid, I always liked him. He was so kind and had a good sense of humor. I can't think of a time where I saw him really depressed or angry. The more I think about it, the more it becomes obvious to me, that over the years, Alzheimer's really took its toll on him. It must've been worse for the family that actually kept in closer touch with him.
I hope my grandma is doing okay. :(
...funny, that I wasn't near to tears until now, when I actually thought properly about it. Now that I do, it's hard for me to grasp the concept, that he's actually gone.
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