Just who am I?
This has been a question I've been wondering myself the past few days, while thinking back on some of my past choices, thoughts, and actions. I usually don't look back in the past, nor do I usually look towards the future, but it doesn't mean that I don't. I've said a lot of things about myself within these past few years, such as 'I rarely get angry', 'I try not to complain because I dislike complaining', 'I'm an optimist', and so on. When I look at what I've said about myself.. well.. it was when I started to question them.
'I rarely get angry'. Is this really true? I mean.. I guess I don't blow up at the slightest thing, but I can't said I'm docile and calm all the time, and nothing ever irks me. In fact, a lot of things irk me, but in order to try to avoid drama I tend to keep it to myself. Is keeping it to myself really ta good idea? Perhaps it's that reason why when I do get mad I'm letting it all out at once, and that's when 'the inner demon' comes out (as what friends have dubbed it). If I don't keep it all build up inside me, would it make things worse, or better? I could lose friends because I'm not the nice, docile person they thought I was, and much more drama might occur. If it's one thing that I would always want to avoid, it's drama. Yet, it finds me all the time.
'I try to not complain, because I hate complaining'. The second part is true, because whenever someone complains, if they do so enough or they're complaining over some petty thing I tend to get a 'i don't care anymore' attitude after a while. As for the first part though.. I complain a lot more than I'd like to not. I try to keep it to myself, but people need room to rant and complain. The thing is I don't like burdening anyone with my life, and yet to some people I do it all the time. One of those examples is my sister, and there are some people who I go to complain whenever I have the chance. I hate myself for doing it half the time, because it's hypocrisy.
Speaking of hypocrisy, I dislike it. Yet, there are times when I'm on myself. Would that make the statement hypocrisy? These days, I'm not too sure. I guess despite someone hates something or not, they'll do it sometimes maybe without them realizing it. All I know is that whenever I am being a hypocrite, I mentally smack myself in the head for it. Perhaps I should just try to not hate it so much, but it's just one of those things that irk me regardless.
Though, the biggest thing that's gotten me to think about this is the fact that I'm am optimist. At least.. I want to say I'm an optimist. I do my best to look at the brighter things in life, and that there's a silver lining. That no matter how bad or ugly it's been, that it'll eventually pick back up if you keep a optimistic point of view. But there is another side of being an optimist that I don't do, and that's to think the best outcome is going to happen. That I'm going to get an 'A' on the test. That the thing that I'm setting up is going to be successful. These are the times when I question whether or not I'm really an optimist.
I don't go 'Hell yeah I'll get an A'. Instead, I have more of an 'eh. Can't guarantee an 'A'. Maybe a 'B' or a 'C'. Or just straight out 'Psh. No A. I probably failed". Would this be a negative attitude? Or am I just being skeptical about what I'm getting. What if I'm talking about something else, such as whether or not I'm going to get a job. Whenever I apply, I get the same thing: 'eh. I'm probably not going to get it but oh well. It would be cool if I did'. Skeptic, or out right negative.
It's not like I just act like this just for the sake of acting like it. It's just that there have been times in which I do say 'yes i'll get an 'A'' or something, and give my hopes up, only to bring them back down. This has happened several times in the past month -- one when I thought I got a job since they said I had a Job Orientation, and two just the other day -- and since then, I've been feeling more like a skeptic/pessimistic person. But I don't want to be. I dislike it when people are being pessimistic. Does this go back to the whole hypocrisy, then? Or... perhaps I'm a Skeptical Optimist. Can there be such a thing, or is it an oxymoron (such as my usertitle).
Sometimes I feel as such my whole like is a facade. I act the way I act to some people, and then to others I act completely different. Due to this, I sometimes can't really figure out which one is the 'real me'. Is it the more shy, gentle one? The louder obnoxious one? The one that lingers between the whole of them? I say that I don't show my true self unless you're close to me, but is that really true? Is there really, honestly, one person who truly knows me for who I am? As of right now, I don't even know who I am sometimes. One moment I'm having the time of my life, then the next moment I'm cursing at myself for thinking that the idea would work in the first place, or perhaps one minute I'm all buddy buddy with someone, then the next day they're irking me like no other.
I know the phase 'You are who you are', but sometimes, it's nice to know who exactly are you. When people ask me to describe myself in several words, it takes me a while to think of some. Then, I just use adjectives to describe myself, but are half of them really true? I say I'm 'shy', but to some people I'm not. I say I'm 'gentle', but there have been people who've seen the harsher side of me. I say I'm 'Optimistic' but... you get the point.
I guess the point of this is that I kind of want to figure out somewhat who I am. I'm not sure if asking any of you would help, but it's worth a shot, right? Perhaps, just maybe, I can come up with who I am through you guys. So... what do you guys say? Who am I? My good sides, my flaws... anything.
Underneath the spoiler is the 30 Days of Symphonia. Yes, I'm still doing it, so if you don't like bandwagons/lame/unoriginal things, don't look. It kind of relates to this blog entry, though.
Posted April 15th, 2011 at 3:11 PM by Melody
Posted April 15th, 2011 at 4:01 PM by donavannj
Posted April 15th, 2011 at 8:12 PM by Zen
Posted April 15th, 2011 at 8:36 PM by ~Ryukaa
Posted April 16th, 2011 at 12:02 PM by Ash