This is why...
...I will never find love. And why I am, for the most part, okay with it.... As well as a mini-rant on my treatment at home and until HS.
I just don't understand why I am treated as I am. And why I can't do the easiest solution. My mom puts me down, and whenever I try to talk to her, no matter how calm I am... She gets dramatic and I cannot get anything through her yelling. So the only solution I have left is to ignore. But I can't. I can't ignore anyone. If I hear something, I listen. I don't hear it. I listen to it. And it's made things difficult. Because, until 9th grade, no matter where I was, anything directed at me was negative. So any chance I had at self esteem was nill. So then, and even now, when I have begun to hear a bit more positive, I have gotten a VERY negative image of myself.
I am ugly. No, really. I am. Here's a picture. This is actually the most recent one I have.... I hate photos because again, I think I'm ugly.
I am so sorry for scarring your vision forever...
But the backwards part about it is that I think I'm ugly, but not because I'm fat. That is actually the one thing I DO NOT care about. I'm perfectly okay. I just know I can't lose weight very well. I could try, but I know I will fail. So I have to be shamed when I try to eat more than one meal a day.
For a while, I had a negative view because I thought I had no chance of love. I still do, actually. But since I believe I'm asexual (I am 19 and despise the thought of the act. I don't mind people doing it, just not around me... or with me) it's made the thought easier. Who would want to be with someone like that? Be real.
The self abuse factor is a deterrent as well. It's no longer physical. Only Verbal. But maybe that's worse. When something goes wrong, the first person I blame is myself. I am not good enough. It was my fault. I am probably a worse enemy to my self-esteem than my mother, and she is the number one murderer of my happiness. This makes me far too hard on myself.
And lastly, I can't because I just haven't had a good history. I had 3 boyfriends. All of them I went out with because I wanted to try to love them. They were amazing guys... And they liked me (God knows why...) but I could never make it mutual. It felt weird returning an "I love you" to someone you didn't really love...
So, yeah. I'm pretty okay with ending up alone in life. More negatives will probably come of it... But those are road bumps I'll get over when I reach them.
Go ahead and take shots at me people. I don't mind.
Posted June 15th, 2011 at 7:52 PM by Zet
Posted June 15th, 2011 at 8:21 PM by Anna
Updated June 15th, 2011 at 9:05 PM by Anna
Posted June 15th, 2011 at 8:51 PM by TwilightBlade
Posted June 15th, 2011 at 11:31 PM by Minerva
Posted June 16th, 2011 at 1:59 PM by EmeraldSerenade