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From daily life in the astral planes to tutorials and creativity showcase, this blog documents the thoughts, feelings, and everything Kurui x3. Comments appreciated!
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~Feign~ :: I'm Okay.......Right?

Posted August 7th, 2012 at 10:10 PM by Kurui

"You can see my heart beating. You can see it through my chest."

~~**~~
Pain and Suffering:

I hate being bed-bound. Let's get that straight. It's the most boring existence EVER. But sometimes the dizziness and fainting just doesn't allow. And so I've spent a majority of the past few days on my back rather than sitting up.

Just how much is too much? I'm not depressed, but.......well, it SUCKS. Let's just be real about it. Most young people my age are still going out having fun every day. Malls, theatres, parks, you name it. Always on the go like I used to be. It really seems like 50 years since I've been able to go out and enjoy myself without pain or dizziness beyond words or shortness of breath or strange sensations. I just want to be able to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. And completely immerse myself in the company of friends and whatever we're doing together.

Is it really so much to ask?

In order to go out I just........pretend to be fine. And then I'll get really sick because I'll push myself doing things. Things that i should be able to do easily. Effortlessly. It's a freaking struggle.

I eat and I throw up. That's just how it is. Call it "meh....majour acid reflux" and brush it off like doctors do I DONT CARE IT IS MISERABLE TO HAVE FOOD SHOOTING FROM YOUR NOSE AFTER YOU EAT EVERY FREAKING TIME. And the coma-like state it induces when it's trying to digest, where it saps every bit of energy to where I can't even lift my eyelids. "Sometimes, the body just does that." WELL MY BODY DOES IT ALL THE TIME.

What's wrong with me.................

And what's more. I got on disability to get healthcare. Well, nobody within here to MARS takes medicaid patients. WHAT GOOD IS DISABILITY IF I CANT SEE A DOCTOR.

Please, America. I've been forcing to pretend to be mostly okay for too long. But the fact is I AM NOT. And it is NOT MY FAULT. This is NOT ANXIETY. Your tests have proven that it isn't Your shrinks have proven that it isn't. So instead of blowing me off because I can't pay you out of pocket 100$ TO JUST COME IN AND SAY "YOU LOOK GOOD TO ME WE DONT NEED TESTS", take the dang medicaid and have a fricking heart and DO YOUR JOBS!!!!!!!!!!!



I think I'm okay now. Maybe.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    I understand how hard it is to be bed-ridden. My grandma has been bed ridden for almost 11 years and my family (especially my mom) looks after her at my aunt's house. (She is pretty much paralyzed except for a bit of movement in her head and left arm.)
    We do what we can to make her comfortable and to try to get her to regain all her strength but it is difficult and, yes, very expensive.

    Hopefully things with you sort itself out. I can completely sympathize with you and I hope you can find what is wrong.
    Posted August 8th, 2012 at 04:42 AM by Kura Kura is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Kurui's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kura View Comment
    I understand how hard it is to be bed-ridden. My grandma has been bed ridden for almost 11 years and my family (especially my mom) looks after her at my aunt's house. (She is pretty much paralyzed except for a bit of movement in her head and left arm.)
    We do what we can to make her comfortable and to try to get her to regain all her strength but it is difficult and, yes, very expensive.

    Hopefully things with you sort itself out. I can completely sympathize with you and I hope you can find what is wrong.
    God that's awful. I'd die if I could never get up ever. 11 years is a long time. The most Ive ever stayed laying down n one position (besides to get up every now and then) is a couple of months straight when this was new and I wasn't all that used to it.

    I think I'd feel less angry (cause thats what it makes me) if the doctors would attempt to do something. Staying mostly in bed aside from a few minutes a day for about a week is tiring and boring. Maybe just cause I'm young and want to go have fun out like my friends can.
    Posted August 9th, 2012 at 02:48 AM by Kurui Kurui is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    Yeah, that's why my mom and aunt are always there with her. They need to move her or she will get bedwounds/ bedsores which will lead to a blood infection if it is left untreated.

    It is tough and I have so much respect for them to do that, because if we were to have left her in a home then she would've been dead a long time ago.

    Although your situation is tough, you have a lot of potential to do stuff in your life. Sure maybe you can't go to the extremes as some people, but dont push yourself for them. If they can't be understanding, then they aren't mature friends.
    Posted August 9th, 2012 at 04:46 AM by Kura Kura is offline
 

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