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Posted September 15th, 2012 at 09:51 PM by Forever

This blog entry will be different from my other PC-related ones. It's about what I've went through up to 2010. I was just thinking about this in the shower.

As a kid, I was much taller than all the other girls in the class. I was the one that volunteered for things, I was the one who did what the teacher asked and aimed to do her best. Before any of this, I used to like this guy but then idk what happened and I didn't invite him to my pink birthday party and as a result we didn't talk anymore. This wasn't really an issue for me, because soon I liked other guys, as you did as a kid. One of the guys I liked... I'm not sure if he threatened me but sometimes (these days) I dream of him strangling me. I know he made fun of me and he just... idk, the good part about him went away. There wasn't really anyone else to note that I liked in primary school, except I liked the original guy again in year 7. But before that, in year 5 I found out my mother wasn't my mother and that my real mother was someone else. Suddenly I got apology letters from two girls who were a year older than me who I got along with saying sorry they were so mean to me. I never knew this. That hurt. Another girl, she definitely appears in my nightmares occasionally as the one always trying to outdo me and call me names. Spageeca, long legs, w/e all that = what she called me. I couldn't do anything about this. The popular group formed, which was basically all of the class, except me. I was alone most of my time, which is why I jumped onto the peer mentoring opportunity to spend lunch times with the year 3's and have fun with them. At least they liked me. But as for my friends? They were always the unpopular group. All throughout primary school and for a while in high school I was with the people everyone made fun of. I didn't particularly like or get along with them but they were my only choice for friends. In year 7, as I was going to say, I found out one of the unpopular girls had a crush on the guy I used to like, but was with another girl, a popular one. They made fun of her (I thought she was a robot though because I had only just watched Beyblades then and she reminded me of the character). I felt bad for her but I liked him at the time too, as well as another guy. I remember on camp we were all writing these goodbye notes. It felt so wrong. Saying nice stuff to people who hated you all that time? idk. It was awkward. One of the girls even tried to punch/fight me (who eventually went to the same high school as me) and for what? Because I was actually a good student and liked to sing in choir? There were many girls who made fun of me, and I'm p sure a lot of the guys did. I remember some of them coming over to play volleyball and then two said ew you have hair there don't you shave??? and at that point I was only 12. I didn't know why anyone would bother but suddenly I felt like they just saw me as a weirdo idk. Primary school just... was a lonely period.

High school I got bullied for a few years, too. By the same primary school girls who ignored me and made fun of me, and by others, too. The popular girls always made fun of me because idk, I just did everything different. I was a good student, didn't want to get into any trouble. I was in a class teamed up with one of the girls for home economics and she just made fun of my cooking skills the whole way through and insulted me. Everyone I thought I got along with who was "popular" just insulted me behind my back. Luckily I did have friends, though. I was the only white girl but my group consisted of multicultural people. This is probably a good thing because it helped me get used to a lot of different accents really easily and to actually listen to what they said to understand them. Except... I'm not entirely sure all of them liked me. I'm sure some didn't but... meh. idk, and when graduating everyone was okay but I'm not sure that EVERYONE then actually liked me. That's what bullying as a child does, you're never sure. There's a lot more instances, such as when people made fun of me in woodwork, just... everything. I don't really like remembering all that because most people I liked were against me, lol. :(

On here, in the years that I got bullied at high school, I got bullied on here. People were mean to me and didn't really care what they said or how it hurt me. I even wanted to leave here over that. However, despite all of this, I never actually considered hurting myself over this, mainly because I didn't know you could hurt yourself. I just kept thinking that I'll be better than them someday. And I am. I'm the only one that has gone to uni out of all of them and that does make me happy. But for others... I don't know how they manage, tbh. I know for me it has greatly affected me to the extent that I feel like I must always impress people and if someone says one slight thing negative they hate me. It's something I've got to get over, but I'm not sure I can. It's so deeply rooted into me now that I don't know if I can get over it. I was just thinking, though, that bullying really has affected me. I didn't want it to and I didn't tell anyone, but... it did. It makes me constantly question my friends, constantly question everything everyone says and constantly think the worst of myself. You can't overcome 18 years of something with 2 years. So the point of this is that... I dunno. I just wanted to get my thoughts out that bullying really does hurt and affect you for the rest of your life, even if you don't consider doing -that-. Could've added more but it'd have hurt, how ironic.

Feel free to share your experiences here, too, I don't want to make it all about me.
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  1. Old Comment
    Twilight Sky's Avatar
    Might as well post my story. I have really ****** memory, so please forgive me for any spotty details and whatnot.

    What I do remember out of it began in Elementary school, of course. I was always made fun of for being soft. I was the soft kid, didn't want to get in trouble by the teacher, the goody-two shoes, things like that. And not only that, I was beat up a lot. As for why I was beat up? I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I'm a smartass and still talked **** to people who threatened to do it. Idk. But anyway...

    I guess you can say that Elementary school was a point that I thought I was lonely. I told my mother that I thought I was ugly, and things like that(looking back on these things, holy crap I was affected by a lot). Because kids called me ugly and well....yeah. It was definitely a lonely period because I distinctly remember being by myself a lot when there were events for the class, because truth be told, I didn't have any friends aside from the two that I made in second/third grade, and well...I didn't really see them that often, and during that time we didn't know each other that well.

    The bullying got worse in Middle School, and that was when I was beat up a lot more often than I was in high school. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to fight back, but I didn't want to get in trouble for it. Again, that part of me that wanted to avoid trouble was still there. It continued for pretty much the remainder of the time that I was in middle school.

    When I entered High School, things got slightly better. Slightly. Freshman year was pretty cool, met some new people and whatnot, though generally I saw old faces, but remained indifferent about it. After all, it was High school, so people must've grown up, right? Not entirely. Things didn't really get that bad until Senior year.

    There was this one guy in particular who bullied me for like half the year. Talked **** about me, blah blah, the whole nine yards. I reported him to the principal at the time and it got dealt with, but I wouldn't be surprised if the dude still hates me now. He doesn't like anything about me. My personality, where I come from, you name it he'll hate on anything about it.

    I was also ostracized a lot during group projects. I'm unsure as to why, but I just felt...out-of-place, as if no one wanted to work with me and whatnot. It really made me feel terrible, and I'd either ask to work with the instructor themselves or just work by myself. It was embarrassing. It got to the point where I would cry and get really stressed out if there was ever a group project because I would absolutely refuse to work with people due to fear of a) failure b) no one wanting to work with me and c) I have bad social skills. So those three things didn't help at all, and it caused some stress to my instructor(s) as well.


    And well, I understand where you're coming from with all of this, Nica. It's because of this that I've developed really bad Social Anxiety sometimes, and I don't like how some people expect me to get over it so easily when it's actually a lot more difficult than it is.

    I actually joined a club in college which helped me get out of my shell a lot, and I'm a lot more confident in myself because of it. It was because of that club that I was able to gather the strength that I needed to battle my Anxiety, and it isn't as bad as it used to be anymore.

    I hope you find what help you battle the troubles that you have, Nica. Whether it be joining some sort of club, getting together with friends and hanging out a lot more often, or whatever it is that you do! Baby steps first, of course change doesn't happen overnight, but you'd be surprised at yourself once you open up more and more to people and how supportive most people would be!
    Posted September 15th, 2012 at 10:10 PM by Twilight Sky Twilight Sky is offline
    Updated September 15th, 2012 at 10:22 PM by Twilight Sky
  2. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    It explains a lot about your ambitions and personality (and the way you talk to others,) but dude, you shouldn't be striving to be popular (which is what I see) but rather strive to be yourself and surround yourself with like-minded people. A lot of us were bullied in pimary school and highschool. I know even I was one of them, too, but you need to understand that as an adult, people are far more accepting than they were and you need to give others a chance.

    Opening up like this is a great start, people start to understand the real you instead of just that first level of you as a go-getter. If you get criticized, well.. it depends. Criticism is completely different than a blatant diss. Usually people who criticize, care about you, and they want you to succeed, so if they see you going on what they think is the wrong path they will speak up. But again, it is completely different than blatantly making fun of you.

    I can also see how it does make you question your friends, because, as an outsider, I never see you actually have a heart to heart with them. Maybe it is because I just don't see it, but I know that when I attempt any heart-to-hearts with you, you just brush me off. Then other times you will come directly to me again and ask me to do something or look at something, and I don't know if you are trying to do it as a conversation starter, but it feels a bit insensitive. I get blunt with you because I think you are better than that, but I had started to lose faith. I see here in this blog why the reason is, and I hope that you don't become like the bullies you've encountered. You may not diss in a direct way like they did, but sometimes you do hurt people too. Even that trust thread said that that was what you needed to work on, and I am glad you are realizing that you want to get past it. Sometimes you just have to realize that you do need to open yourself up too, and take a risk, in order to get something good.

    I also understand how bullying affects people, it's certainly affected me, but unlike you, I've become tougher from it, whereas you've become disassociated from people. You don't need to have everyone like you, Nica. Some people just wont- I know I have tons of haters but do you think I should let them bother me to the point of me crying or feeling **** about myself? No way. I don't think people want that for you either- and if they do, tell 'em to **** off. You need to find a few people who do and a few people who want to be your real friend.

    There is something that someone told me that might put it in perspective for you:
    You are walking in the park, when suddenly you step in dog poop, people usually take it two ways-
    a) FML it had to happen to me, out of all the grass in the park I had to step in it. I prob somehow deserved it because of karma. Etc, etc.
    b) Those damn stupid people not cleaning after their dog, this is such BS, people are so inconsiderate.

    You prob take it the first way because you are insecure.. and you have to learn to try and not get down on yourself for what happens.

    Trust me, I've gone through and thought some pretty ****ed up **** back in highschool. Too much to name here- too long of a story. Maybe one day I'll share it, but it is way too personal for something as public as a blog such as this. Just be happy I am actually alive today hahaha.

    All in all, you just need to get over the fact that not everyone is gonna like you, so just don't bother with them. And just because someone doesn't like you, doesn't mean they hate you either. Sometimes you just don't click. Sometimes they just don't like your attitude. Sometimes they are jealous. WHatever it may be, don't bend yourself to get them to like you- there is no point. Hell there were even people who hated Jesus Christ and he was as good as it gets so just aim to have your good group of people and be happy with that.
    Posted September 16th, 2012 at 05:32 AM by Kura Kura is offline
  3. Old Comment
    I'm not sure why this isn't an actual discussion, but whatever floats your boat.

    I've never been bullied myself, & quite frankly I never remembered anyone being bullied much at all. Bullying wasn't much of a problem in the school district that I was in, so I'll thank my lucky stars for that.

    But what I think is, people bully others because they want to feel good about themselves. They have their own issues themselves, & since most of them can't resolve any of them, they resort to bullying to bring their world crashing down upon their victims.

    But really, Nica, I don't see how someone like you would end up being bullied, apart from those dipsticks who prioritize their social life above everything else.
    Posted September 16th, 2012 at 06:58 AM by Blade_of_darkness Blade_of_darkness is offline
  4. Old Comment
    droomph's Avatar
    Niiiiiiica you're not unpopular anymore if anyone is being stoopid to you and you feel nobody cares about you just remember that little droomph here still admires your personality and just Nica in general! c:

    @Kura just...no. It's not as stupid as you think. It's not that she wants to be popular, she just wants to feel...free? Idk if that's the word, but that's definitely not because she wants to be popular. Believe me, being hated on, even if you have friends, is the worst feeling apart from death you can get.
    Posted September 16th, 2012 at 08:42 AM by droomph droomph is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Honest's Avatar
    I'll be honest, but when I first saw you on PC around when I joined as Forever, I thought you were really popular. I mean, yeah, this was an internet site, where a facade can be put really easily. But I guess I was naive back then. It really is shocking to hear the truth. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that crap, Nica, honest.

    Personally, I wasn't ever actually "bullied". Once or twice, I was the butt of a joke, mostly cause I was rather small and skinny. But, Idk, no one ever really decided to target me. And looking back, I guess I'm really shocked by that. My attitude as a child wasn't exactly brilliant. Being a high schooler now, I see bullying happen every now and then, and I try not to get involved much. Actually, I just remembered, one of my friends loves to mess with me. Is it bullying? I don't know, I tolerate it. And he really is my friend. I guess you can just call him an immature jerk at times.

    I actually don't know where I'm going with this. I think I'm just ignorant. But Nica, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. I can't put myself in your position, but it must have been dreadful. Just know that many people on here, PC, love you for who you are. I'd bet my life on that.
    Posted September 16th, 2012 at 11:08 AM by Honest Honest is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    Originally Posted by droomph View Comment
    @Kura just...no. It's not as stupid as you think. It's not that she wants to be popular, she just wants to feel...free? Idk if that's the word, but that's definitely not because she wants to be popular. Believe me, being hated on, even if you have friends, is the worst feeling apart from death you can get.
    It isn't stupid at all, I agree. But it is not just the popular kids that do the bullying. For her it seems to have been which.. kinda sucks, because then they have a mass of people to back them up where she didn't have anyone.. but bullying can even happen by your own "friends." But what I'm saying is that she should just keep being herself even if she is being hated on.

    And trust me, I know that feel, bro. But seriously, as an example, I've had someone, the one person I valued most and I loved to bits and trusted wholeheartedly -with my life- tell me one day that I am good and I shouldn't change, and the next tell me "you should be shot dead. It would make me happy" And believe me, I had tried. And it took me about 7 years to first admit that to anyone. It feels risky admitting it even here right now, but I feel like you are taking what I say the wrong way, so what else can I say to convince you all I am not trying to trivialize this? Honestly I don't know what else.


    Here's a good quote for some inspiration:
    Posted September 16th, 2012 at 11:30 AM by Kura Kura is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Sheep's Avatar
    Took me a while to read through this blog and its comments, but glad I did! Although I don't have much to share, I'll do it anyway:

    I was bullied a fair bit in school, mostly in middle and junior high school. People used to tell me I was too shy/quiet and put gum in my hair, etc etc. I remember being bullied in the first year of high school.. the kid that bullied me and his two friends even followed me home one time, almost. They turned back when I turned to walk down my block. But as the years went on, it got much better as people got older and became more accepting of others, as someone already said.

    Now I'm in college and never get made fun of anymore as most people know better. Pretty much everyone has been bullied at least once and I definitely understand how hard it can be on people. Although I was bullied less than some others, the effects were rather tough to deal with.

    When I rejoined PC in September 2011, you were one of the first faces I really remembered tbh. I looked up to you a lot and thought you were one of the nicest people on the forum (and still do)! While it may have been online through a forum, it was still you I looked up to. You're such a pretty girl in your photos, too~! Life can be ridiculously hard but you've got plenty of friends and supporters so I'm sure things will be okay in the end <3
    Posted September 16th, 2012 at 12:23 PM by Sheep Sheep is online now
  8. Old Comment
    Alli's Avatar
    I was always treated badly in elementary school because I thought differently than others, I was "ugly," and I didn't always fall into my gender role. I was basically just the weird kid. And when I stuck up for other people, that wasn't taken too kindly either, cause I would talk to the other kids that were bullied. I did actually have "popular" friends in 4th grade though, though idk how really haha. They did help me get away from this CRAAAAZY chick one time that like ambushed me, though she was bullied a bit too, so I kinda felt bad for her, even though she got on my nerves.

    In 6th grade, I went to a different school and was treated badly just because I came from another school. I got made fun of for my interests (again), the way I perceived and thought about things, and who I hung out with. I literally had one friend at that school, and even then, it wasn't a good friend. But people there constantly said I was gay just because the only friend I had was the same sex. It was so annoying. I have no interest in my own sex tbqh lol.

    In high school though, the bullying died down and I was just one of those really well liked and friendly funny people. I wasn't popular, but I don't think I can look back on my last three years of high school and think of someone that straight up hated me, though there were still a few scenarios where someone was pissing me off, however it was usually because they were insulting a friend or someone that didn't deserve to be insulted. I almost started some fights, haha. When I ripped off my jacket, that's when I was ready to go!!

    And in college, no one gives a ****. :) I am free to express my odd thoughts and not feel bad about the way I think, I can dress however I want, and no one gives a **** about the things I'm interested in. Hopefully I can steer my students in the future away from bullying, because it does really hurt.
    Posted September 16th, 2012 at 08:30 PM by Alli Alli is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Yoshikko's Avatar
    yeah i was bullied throughout elementary school and a part of highschool. lots of people were, and some get better out of it than others. not everyone will always like you, you shouldn't expect or want that either especially with such an experience.
    and truth be told, some people will always stay like that, whether they're in primary school or in college. some people are just always dicks.
    Posted November 15th, 2012 at 08:49 AM by Yoshikko Yoshikko is offline

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