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Cold

Posted February 16th, 2013 at 06:05 AM by Cid

We try so hard to get our voices heard. To please others. To change the world.

But sometimes, we get lost along the way. These past few years, I feel that I didn't know myself anymore. Most of it I feel was because I just allowed it to happen to me. It's ironic that the very notion of wanting to do something, and getting it out there, puts you into such a passive position when it comes to defining who you are. You become so preoccupied with the fight, that you never even find the time to look at yourself in the mirror and think, "I know who that person is in front of me, more than anyone else." It's tough. Having an "identity crisis" or whatever you'd like to call it. It takes a lot to even get through each passing day, with all the people you have to interact, with choosing which mask to put on to suit the situation. Heck, I find it hard to even introduce myself in a new class every semester, because all I do is keep things to myself and go with the safe, generic adjectives. It’s kinda sad. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to live freely. I wanted to do a lot of things. I never wanted to wear masks. But I feel like, wanting that made me lose something else. I don’t know.

It’s okay, though. I can manage. I know this happens to a lot of people. And it’s not like I haven’t been feeling numb for years.

I tried something that might help me out. I tried listing words— dozens of words that I felt was closest to defining who I thought I was. I found it oddly calming. Most of what I listed went way back, stuff that I felt really passionate about when I was still that imaginative kid with big dreams and wide eyes. When I took in every detail, and relished in the moment without me realizing it. I know this might be a bit hyperbolic. But if you ask me, there really is no other way I would describe myself relative to how I am now.

I don’t know where I got the idea, but it was interesting, listing these words. I found that I listed words really slowly at the start, and then at the middle I just went on a roll with all the memories I can gather. I guess, it's just reassuring to know that you still have something you can say about yourself. Words can't define a person entirely, but when it's all you can do to salvage who you think you are, then I don't really have any alternatives. It's cool, though. I feel a little better now.

I'm happy I got the chance to reflect on this. I know I've lost a lot of my drive. But it doesn't mean that I can't find myself again.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    enigmα.'s Avatar
    Aww, I felt sad while reading this, it seems like you're really depressed, and/or sad. But I'm amazed with the way you comforted yourself! I found it interesting.

    I personally have been through this feeling before...

    Well, I hope you feel better soon ;; or maybe you have :D But nonetheless, you're one awesome person!
    Posted February 16th, 2013 at 06:16 AM by enigmα. enigmα. is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    *hug* It's hard to find the words for this, mostly because I know you need to find them for yourself, but either way, I hope you do find them soon and you'll be able to regain a lot of that drive again. You have my best regards *salutes*!
    Posted February 16th, 2013 at 07:04 AM by Kura Kura is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Cid's Avatar
    @Mid: I hope that didn't come off as a serious depression thing. I'm really okay. I guess I just never stopped to think (out loud) why I've been slowing down as of recent, which might have come off as a stark contrast to how I usually act here. But I appreciate what you've said, Mid. I really do.

    @Kura: Thank you, Kura. I understand that this is difficult to even reply at, but you are right. The resolutions will come from my own actions. I suppose, until I find what it is I've lost, I'll just have to keep at it. And live on. But still, thank you for that.
    Posted February 16th, 2013 at 10:32 PM by Cid Cid is offline
 

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