We try so hard to get our voices heard. To please others. To change the world.
But sometimes, we get lost along the way. These past few years, I feel that I didn't know myself anymore. Most of it I feel was because I just allowed it to happen to me. It's ironic that the very notion of wanting to do something, and getting it out there, puts you into such a passive position when it comes to defining who you are. You become so preoccupied with the fight, that you never even find the time to look at yourself in the mirror and think, "I know who that person is in front of me, more than anyone else." It's tough. Having an "identity crisis" or whatever you'd like to call it. It takes a lot to even get through each passing day, with all the people you have to interact, with choosing which mask to put on to suit the situation. Heck, I find it hard to even introduce myself in a new class every semester, because all I do is keep things to myself and go with the safe, generic adjectives. It’s kinda sad. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to live freely. I wanted to do a lot of things. I never wanted to wear masks. But I feel like, wanting that made me lose something else. I don’t know.
It’s okay, though. I can manage. I know this happens to a lot of people. And it’s not like I haven’t been feeling numb for years.
I tried something that might help me out. I tried listing words— dozens of words that I felt was closest to defining who I thought I was. I found it oddly calming. Most of what I listed went way back, stuff that I felt really passionate about when I was still that imaginative kid with big dreams and wide eyes. When I took in every detail, and relished in the moment without me realizing it. I know this might be a bit hyperbolic. But if you ask me, there really is no other way I would describe myself relative to how I am now.
I don’t know where I got the idea, but it was interesting, listing these words. I found that I listed words really slowly at the start, and then at the middle I just went on a roll with all the memories I can gather. I guess, it's just reassuring to know that you still have something you can say about yourself. Words can't define a person entirely, but when it's all you can do to salvage who you think you are, then I don't really have any alternatives. It's cool, though. I feel a little better now.
I'm happy I got the chance to reflect on this. I know I've lost a lot of my drive. But it doesn't mean that I can't find myself again.
Posted February 16th, 2013 at 6:16 AM by halcyonic
Posted February 16th, 2013 at 7:04 AM by Kura
Posted February 16th, 2013 at 10:32 PM by Cid