yawn

7k posts ew

something that's been troubling me as of late is how emotionally dead I seem to be as of late
I don't mean that in reference to romantic feelings as I haven't had any life (or desire for life) in that department for eons now
what I mean is how I seem to have such trouble with the mere act of genuine emotional expression lately, as I either take a situation so flippantly that feeling something over it would just be weird or I don't understand something as simple as why people feel that way over an issue. an example for the former is how I do my best to disarm anyone who tries to compliment me, as I would much rather prefer to respond with a 'well that's mighty sweet of you, darling' than actually show appreciation for the comment, as that would require me to realise that I am somewhat liked, contrary to what I am so used to telling myself. an example for the latter is my lack of understanding over why people are crying their eyes out over Mr. Iwata's sudden passing.
that certainly isn't me mocking them as I get on a literal level as to why people are upset over his death, but I find myself unable to understand the outpouring of grief as I'm having a troubling time understanding emotions at all lately. emotions just seem so... outdated, lol.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I find my sudden lack of understanding, or even caring, for feelings rather disturbing. I think it's important to clarify that I'm not afraid of putting my sentiments into words, or expressing myself. but I've lost touch as to why people do it.

I think I've been there before.

I can't say I understand what drives it; but for me personally it's calmest before the storm. I tend to be very varied in emotional intensity from being very passionate to very cold. For me personally I've always found that this ability very much swings independently from my gender identity, which is also variable. So I guess two pendulums would best describe it; and they're not always in sync.

But this is just my experience. You may or may not experience at some point a sudden strong flood. Sometimes the waters recede and never return. Make of it what you will...because it depends on the person.