A picture is worth a thousand words

well that's taking everything literally

I said I just don't want to feel any pain anymore, which doesn't necessarily…oh well.

and I…just…

i'm not just leaving this alone. I'm just hiding this from everyone. nobody has to see me like this, and this is the least conspicuous place on the internet. nobody needs to read this. Maybe if there were more blogs things might be drowned out (which I want to happen), but right now it's treated as a "public" situation where in fact it's not. Again, ignoring is a talent and I can understand if you can't do that, but I'm always trying my best to keep it away from the actually public places, like the main forums.

And if you're wondering what I'm doing to help myself, I am trying. I am most definitely trying. I've been in a psychiatric hospital against my will, and I'm not allowed to own firearms until I'm 19. It's not that bad, but it's trained me. No amount of "calling the cops" will make me relent from anything I feel that really helps, because I know that this is better than telling everyone about my feelings all at once and having them misinterpret them again like that aforementioned time where I ended up in the looney bin.

It's just that right now, no progress I have made is anything that would make you guys care, it's mostly just day-to-day things like going to the gym, taking steps to reduce stress, etc. But no major breakthroughs other than the ones you see in my personality, which even then is probably not enough.

But rest assured, I'm doing stuff for helping me stay up. This is one of them - telling everyone what I feel to no specific person so that I don't have to keep it in my face and then directing it towards one person who didn't want to be near me in the first place.

And I try not to put it all in a row. I've tried to make myself look less depressed by blogging about different things and trying to be light-hearted. I try very hard to not have two in a row just be all about death and gloominess.

So no amount of "calling the cops" will deter me from doing this. As I said, I don't want to go through pain anymore. That's the only thing I will say as my statement from now on if you so wish, the cops can take me all they want, they can't charge me for having a wish, even if the wish is different from what normal wishes are.

I will definitely try to make it less conspicuous (as I always have), but these sorts of blogs will still float around from time to time.

Getting professional help isn't as easy as it sounds and it costs a lot especially if you don't have insurance. Professional help also isn't available 24/7. $50 for half an hour is average. Some schools don't have councellors, some do. Some places don't have Samaritans.. some places don't have kids help phone. I even tried calling NHS which was supposed to be a 24/7 hotline for medical advice and questions and I got yelled at and told I should just get an appointment to my GP which I had to wait 2 weeks for. It's easier said than done and while it's probably the best option, and a good thing to even try, blogging at least can be a step to calm any nerves and clear your head.

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Kura, you're not wrong at all. Psychiatric help is expensive. However, there are free solutions for mental illnesses beyond hot-lines and schools. Droomph, I don't really know where you are located in the world, but I guarantee there are Depression support group out there. These meetings can be (and in my opinion are) invaluable tools on the road to recovery.

There are always anonymous groups and meetings to attend. As Gavin stated, mental illness, homelessness, drug addiction, and death are so, so prevalent in our society today. I think it'll do you a lot of good to just research these groups in your area. Will it give you the diagnosis you need? No. But more often than not, the support groups assign you sponsors. That'll at least give you someone to talk to.

Alexial357;bt90740 said:

Kura, you're not wrong at all. Psychiatric help is expensive. However, there are free solutions for mental illnesses beyond hot-lines and schools. Droomph, I don't really know where you are located in the world, but I guarantee there are Depression support group out there. These meetings can be (and in my opinion are) invaluable tools on the road to recovery.

There are always anonymous groups and meetings to attend. As Gavin stated, mental illness, homelessness, drug addiction, and death are so, so prevalent in our society today. I think it'll do you a lot of good to just research these groups in your area. Will it give you the diagnosis you need? No. But more often than not, the support groups assign you sponsors. That'll at least give you someone to talk to.

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While I agree with you, it is difficult to do things like that discreetly or able to have support from those groups at a time you may really need it. If they implimented a buddy-system it would really work well IMO.. but it's a difficult thing to do. Not impossible, mind you! But even going to a place you have to take into consideration that not everyone can drive or get to those places either.

But yeah, like I said, while not impossible, it is doable.. but I think if blogging or a diary or talking to someone is a good initial step then they should take it when the other help is unavailable, and then when the other help is available, take the opportunity to reflect what had happened prior and find a solution to perhaps deal with the emotions in a better way sometime.

Emotions are pretty complex things. Droomph, and I get what you're saying about the death stuff but ohers might not and perhaps it may be wise to think of better wording of how you feel because death is not a petty matter especially if others have recently experienced a loved one's passing and then turned to see your blog. It may be hurtful and angering and although the blog could be ignored, sometimes by the time the sentence is read it is already too late to turn back and pretend to unread it. We all know you dont really mean to hurt people or be offensive but there is some responsibility on everyone (not just you) to try mindful in this community. I think others are trying to make you aware, and you are trying to make others aware.. and for some people, you guys don't seem to be meeting in the middle. :c

I do try. I don't feel like I'm succeeding at all, but believe me I'm trying to make it as light-hearted as possible so I don't look like I'm searching for attention.

I know this is a public place that anybody can read, but at the same time, this is the most private area in which I can vent (because nobody respects my rights to privacy anyways, I'd better just put everything out in public) and it's exactly why I chose an inactive blog section on a niche forum to pour out my feelings.

I try not to make it too blatant, but that just gives more room for interpretation for the worse, I guess.

And again, if you don't believe me, go ahead and don't believe. Just don't tell me to "tell the truth", because this is the truth.

And I am searching for help. I've been for the past year and more. It's been very helpful, and I simply am at the stage where I'm not depressed enough to not be able to tell people what I'm feeling, but at the same time I'm not fully over my depression.

As I said, this is the same reason I chose her blog to tell you guys this time.

My feelings did start to return eventually. But not all of them came back, and they didn't arrive symmetrically.

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Anyway, I wanted to end this on a hopeful, positive note, but, seeing as how my sense of hope and positivity is still shrouded in a thick layer of feeling like hope and positivity are ********, I'll just say this: Nobody can guarantee that it's going to be okay, but — and I don't know if this will be comforting to anyone else — the possibility exists that there's a piece of corn on a floor somewhere that will make you just as confused about why you are laughing as you have ever been about why you are depressed. And even if everything still seems like hopeless ********, maybe it's just pointless ******** or weird ******** or possibly not even ********.

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I didn't want it to be a big deal. However, it's an alarming subject. Trying to be nonchalant about it just makes it weird for everyone.

…

I had so very few feelings, and everyone else had so many, and it felt like they were having all of them in front of me at once. I didn't really know what to do, so I agreed to see a doctor so that everyone would stop having all of their feelings at me.

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