I keep swapping between thinking i have the disorder and not, from all the swapping between trying to push you guys away, and clinging to you, and getting hurt and jealous when you do things without me (even though it shouldn't matter, for any of you), and...it goes on and on. Maybe I'm just making excuses.
I think, I'm stable enough to make a rational inferrance, I think why I'm so obsessed with league and why I'm trying so hard to improve and getting so upset when i don't appear to, is because i want to impress you and validate myself in comparison to your rl friends...I know you probably don't think so, but I still feel markedly inferior to them by the simple virtue of not being rl. I want to do so well at the game that I impress you AND them, and...honestly I don't know what comes after. From a logical standpoint it doesn't make sense, but...psychological disorders aren't logical. No matter how much I tell myself I shouldn't care so much, I still spend every free moment practicing my ass off, I still get angry at myself when I don't seem to show any improvement between games, and I still get depressed when I see you simply clean house game after game. I know it doesn't make sense, but I just can't make myself stop.
Gah...sorry I keep causing trouble...the disadvantage of a nutcase for a friend "
EDIT: Come to think of it, that's probably an influence, too. I feel even more unworthy of being your friend because I keep causing drama and trouble, which in turn leads to my issues becoming worse...it's a vicious cycle.
It's just kind of intimidating, that's all...I wanna get good at the game so we can play together without me holding you back, but idk if I'll ever reach that point.
I'm starting to realize that solo q isn't very reliable for practice. Knowing my champ and and the tactics doesn't matter much if either my team or their team does so poorly/so great that the game snowballs one way or the other without my performance making any sort of difference at all. Lost a game yesterday because even though I outlaned lux pretty effectively, the rest of my team fed theirs, so when the teamfights broke out we kept getting aced while they were so built and tanky we could barely take one of them down. And just now, I was outlaned slightly by a diana, it was a good challenge, but the game was over in 20 because my teammates curbstomped their lanes.