April 15th, 2014 10:39 PMQuest
Hey Cirrus! How's it going?
July 6th, 2012 8:46 PMQuest
I edited the successor and a small bit at the end of her history. Hopefully it will suffice.
July 6th, 2012 7:01 PMCirrus
Your personality / goals / et cetera should fit that role breaux
If you want to edit, be my guest. : o
July 6th, 2012 12:26 PMQuest
Since you have a character open, would it be okay for Isabella to take that spot? Or would you like just for her to join later like originally planned?
July 2nd, 2012 11:19 AMQuest
Hey der! How's the RP going?
May 22nd, 2012 10:41 AMCirrus
You don't need that paragraph actually - you're probably not going to be with us at first, and we'll pick you up as the story progresses.
May 22nd, 2012 8:59 AMQuest
Sorry for the wait, finals seemed to end me for a while...
Anyways, I added the paragraph on how she came to join the group as a Arcana consultant and changed the legend to No legend.
May 14th, 2012 5:08 PMCirrus
Let me know when you've edited your background sufficiently so I can make an announcement about it. /: I
May 14th, 2012 6:32 AMQuest
What's an Rper if they're not dedicated?
On the case of being a consultant, I'd be delighted. Even though my character won't be as important as the others, I think she'll be the least bit cardinal in some ways. I won't be inactive too much, if at all. ('ve actually been surprisingly good at dividing up my time as of late...)
Either way, I'm glad that you did decide to accept me, even in the way you did.
May 13th, 2012 7:29 PMCirrus
I can see you've done some good work on your sign-up, which shows a lot of dedication (considering I've sent you back to the drawing board, what, twice already? Three times?) - so, though your character's still not going to fill the spot for Arianne (=[), I will offer you instead the opportunity to play a member of the mercenary band who is not a legend personified. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to only have six people, but that restriction was necessary because a multitude of roleplayers is a sure recipe for a swift death.
I still feel somewhat iffy about your name, so as long as you change it to something appropriate to the setting (not so common a given name nor technically an abbreviated form such as "Bella", which is better off being "Isabella" or "Isabelle" or some variant - not that I'm telling you to change it to either of these, though if you wanted to keep "Bella" it would be ideal that you did) you'll be good to go. Your role will be the primary consulting arcanist, and you will have had opportunity to procure some combat experience already so you can revise that or add it into your story.
However - a word of warning; if inactivity occurs, eventually your character will be treated as an NPC (if you don't show up within something like three weeks) but I don't expect that to happen, so you should be fine.
May 12th, 2012 8:05 PMQuest
I understand where you are going with this. Ultimately, I'll be fine with whatever choice you make.
Anyways in an attempt to at least make myself a little bit happier with what you decide, I revamped the whole thing a little more. I deleted some of the things that were a bit repetitive in the writing and switched out many for synonyms that wouldn't harm it to much. I added a bit more to the sample (again) and made sure that it flowed well in most cases.
May 10th, 2012 7:45 PMCirrus
It's certainly better now. Your SU is easier to read, certainly. : o
The RP sample is still somewhat clunky, though; I would probably accept you if you were applying for another role other than Arianne - after comparison to other candidates, of course, but it's somewhat acceptable. (Yes, she's very intrinsic to the story and thus I need her to be played well - or at least, uh, in a manner that allows my planned interactions to occur properly, which is also why I'm considering playing her myself. : <)
Smoothness in writing is not something that can be achieved overnight, unfortunately. I'm still working on it as well, so you know.
May 9th, 2012 6:39 AMQuest
So it isn't nesseccarily anything with my actual character, but my writing style. Hmm, it may be a little hard to change but I believe I may be able to do it.
Thanks for the critique and please expect a better RP sample and a revamp on what I have. Oh, and please thank your friend as well.
May 8th, 2012 6:40 PMCirrus
It feels like every aspect of your description is described in the same transparent way. Your sentences don't really lead into one another effectively, nor do they feel fluid when I read them. Repetition of garnish words like adjectives and adverbs is also something to avoid when they're close to each other, I feel, to avoid monotony (though there are cases when this is acceptable and powerful). Essentially, your writing is what I would describe as clumsy. Plus, your RP sample doesn't really have a defined structure - though it had a focus on conversation, it wasn't really treating the conversation differently from the actions, nor was it centering in on the conversation as something of importance.
Here are some comments from the friend of mine who was helping me judge, related to your RP sample:Quote:"He doesn't leave out any details at all, but that means a lot of the insignificant stuff gets left in and clutters up the prose. We don't need "he said as he took a bite of his egg" for five sentences straight."
He liked your character's personality, though. =)
May 8th, 2012 4:23 PMQuest
Honestly, I would like you to carry on with more detail. I just really want to improve it.