Well, I read your post...and yes, you did kinda fail with first person XP
Okay, for one thing you seemed to be talking in past tense a lot, and when you weren't it just sounded a little odd. Like this sentence:
'I can see and hear people beside their houses yelling, some screaming.'
Well, it wouldn't sound weird if you made 'can' could. Well...it was like you had past tense when not needed and you didn't have when it was needed.
It also seemed just a bit rushed, but it wasn't bad. That's my little bit of constructive criticism. Or at least, I hope it was constructive :3