It's probably a good idea if I don't play, if I'm honest... I have a tendency to destroy people when playing stuff like this, especially if I get really into it. I'll certainly help you fine tune it, though. :D
Yeah, Variety's a daily newspaper that focuses on the business side of Hollywood. Behind-the-scenes stuff, mostly: contract negotiations, development deals, box-office analyses and the like. It's been around since the beginning of the last century, and a number of linguistic conventions have developed. While not as prevalent as it once was, Variety-ese is what the song is showcasing. Pretty much all of the headlines lampooned could conceivably be real headlines in Variety!