It looks pretty average, almost like the one I made, but I'll check the one I edited with XSE. Also, try inserting it first. If it doesn't work, edit the silph co agent's Lapras script. One reason why your last script might not have worked. You probably didn't compile it right. That happened to my Bulbasaur script and I thought it would never work, but luckily Cjerian found out that the script was compiled into a fat guy.
Hmm... I usually use XSE. And where it says $begin, shouldn't it say $start? That was when I used to use ScriptED. And shouldn't you put a strings section? Also, to make it work, I recommend you edit an existing script so you edit only the speech text, not the startup script. That's what I do. Anyways I don't know much of Pokescript, but I will try my best to fix it.