Protector of the Ages
- About Xilfer123
- I am a Homo Sapien. No, this does not translate to 'Gay Sapien' but rather 'Modern man,' if you will. I evolved from a much more primitive species known as monkeys to you, but I'm sure they have a much more fancy-ass name which I am too lazy to look up right now. In prehistoric times, there were many more kinds of humans. One kind was named Homo Neanderthalensis, or Neanderthals. I once had a friend called Bob. He was a Neanderthal. Our parents never really got along, but we decided that we would see our two clans united one day. Unfortunately, Bob's clan, the Neanderthals, went and got themselves extinct just as we were about to sign the peace treaty. Then Bob jumped off a cliff after two weeks of major depression. He didn't commit suicide because his clan had died out, but rather because his mother had hidden his favorite teddy bear and died before revealing its location. A few months afterwards, the Ice Age destroyed my entire clan, leaving just me.
A few years after that, I met Jesus, a travelling hermit who claimed that he was God's son and that he was the prophet. Seeing this as an opportunity to get rich quickly I knocked him out and stole his identity, then headed to the nearest village I could find and repeated the ramblings that he had told to me. Unfortunately, this didn't get me where I wanted to be, and I ended up being betrayed by that guy who I accidentally spilled my wine on at our slumber fest. Whatever that means. Anyway, that day, the travelling hermit, or the original Jesus, switched places with me and was crucified instead. Poor chap. Well, actually, he was fine afterwards. Apart from the giant holes in his hand (which I had NOT seen coming. Damn Romans) he felt good about himself. We went and got a drink after, and parted ways.
A few hours later, I was met by a weird guy in silver, heavy-looking clothes who said something about Jesus. I told him I just was talking to him, and he got angry and shouted something about treason or blasphemy or something, I dunno. Afterwards, he took me back to his castle, where I was imprisoned for the next twenty-something years. Surprisingly, I didn't age at all. I woke up one day to find that my cell door had been unlocked. Outside, I found the skeleton of what had once been my good buddy Clark, a prison guard. Maybe he'd let me out? Nah, he'd been dead for the last couple of minutes. I sighed and managed to escape the castle, on account of everyone being dead. I realized the world had ended. So, I found myself a hot rock and re-started the human civilization.
A few years later, all my kids had become a bustling civilization. There was this one kid called Shakespeare. He was always picked on by everyone else, but I thought he had some promise, so I gave him my writing talents. Unfortunately, he squandered them and used them to make weird-sounding poems and plays. I then realized that the other kids were right about him and sent him to work on the Television, a little side-project I was working on.
Meanwhile, I decided to take a nap for a few years, and was awoken by some strange woman. This woman was clearly older than me, and I seemed to be lying in a bed. Above me was a wooden ceiling. Where was I? I got up and shoved her away, then I looked to my right. There was a strange creature the likes of which I had never seen before. It was a Charmander. I then happily realized that I was in a Pokemon game. Satisfied with my new life, I looked behind me, and there, sure enough was my TV. My lifelong dream, finally accomplished. I ran to it and hugged the hell out of it. And we both lived happily ever after.
And the best part is, this all happened in New York City!
- In the darkest corners of your mind
- Male ♂
- Also Known As
- Favorite Pokémon
- Club Memberships
- I used to be a respected member of:
The Dragon's Den V.4
The Bug Type Fan Club
- The written word is a powerful ally; where swords have failed, it has prevailed.