Well, that post was better. And I like that you stuck to one POV (point of view) instead of switching between first and third. But, you still need a little bit of work. First would be the pacing of your sentences. They are all very rushe and scrunched together. Whenever someone speaks, it would be best to skip a line. That way this:
Van snarled at the Purloin. "Give that cash back you thief!" he yelled as Silva blasted a Dark Pulse at Vor, simply because he was being stupid. "Got you!" she cried. She smiled happily at Vor, who looked at her with a confused expression on his face.
Turn's into this:
Van snarled at the Purloin.
"Give that cash back you thief!" he yelled as Silva blasted a Dark Pulse at Vor, simply because he was being stupid.
"Got you!" she cried. She smiled happily at Vor, who looked at her with a confused expression on his face.
See the difference? It's just easier to read, and it looks better on the page. Also, try to add more detail. Talk about how things look, feel, sound, and smell, if those are all applicable. That way you can turn this:
Van watched the pretty sunset with Silva. He smiled at Silva.
Van gazed out into the sunset. The different hues and colors made him feel simply alive, and very glad to be here. But for all it's beauty, it was nothing compared to the vixen beside him. He turned and looked deep into her eyes as a warm smile crossed his face.
See the difference? It makes things a lot longer for you. And please seperate your OOC parts of the post the same way you would dialoge. And try to keep it at the top or bottom of the post, which you did very well. In all though, try to keep OOC things out of your post unless you have to say it. And always remember to keep OOC parts properly marked. Most RPers do it like this:
(OOC: Blah blah blah.)
Relevent plot related post here.
Ok? Hope that helps! And that last post was far better than the one before it. Oh yeah, and last but not least, instead of saying something like this.
"Hey Van, what happened here?" Vor asked. Van turned and filled him in on what had happened to him after entering the dungeon.
"Hey Van, what happened here?" Vor asked. Van turned and gave him a tired look before answering.
"Well, Silva and I were trapped in a Monster House when we got to this floor. They were no match for us, but Silva got hurt. So, I'm trying to find her an Oran Berry," Van said to his friend.
Do you get it? If the character is an NPC, go ahead and write dialoge for them. Unless it's in the rules, which if it is then you shouldn't be writing a response at all, just your ownb character's stuff. The point is, try to spend a little time on a post, and most importantly be creative. Hope that helps, and sorry if it sounds like I'm getting onto your case. :D
I understand that it's hard to make a reply post, but seriously? A one liner. Add some detail about Vor's arrival. Also, Rafael doesn't know his name and, well, it's a one liner. That is a no no in the RP rules, which you should probably look through. Read previous posts and maybe some from other RP's. Too many short posts is grounds for kicking someone out.
Sorry if it seems like I'm being hard on you, but this is my first RP that has made it past page one, and I want it to do well.
No problem. Just remember that there is a four line minimum for posts in RPs. Any less and you're liable to have them deleted. And also remember that the posts look longer than they really are in the reply box. Keep that all in mind and you'll be well on your way to becoming a better RPer. :D
Um... I just read your latest post in PMD: Legend Rescue Team. Please try to make the posts longer than a few sentences. Also, please try to use proper grammar and sentence structure. It just makes everything a lot easier to read.
You need to work on consistancy in your posts. You're using both third and first person views, as well as speaking in the present tense. It is very hard to read things like that. Choose one point of view, and please use past tense. If you are utterly confused by what I'm saying, just read some of the other posts.