The universe: A wide and expansive sea of nothingness. An enigma that not even our greatest scientists, Sarah Palin and Snoop Dogg, can crack. So, where did it all come from? - I have the answer.
Once upon a time - or rather, prior to the existence of time - there was nothing. From this nothingness an entity emerged, wearing nothing but a boiler suit and safety helmet - It was one of those darn contractors. Holding his chart in one hand and a cup of tea in the other, he got to work on his job...5 trillion years later.
On the first day of work, this being of unfathomable power ate 200 packs of Custard Creams and consumed 300 cups of tea, oh, and he also caused the big bang. On the second day of work, which took place 20 billion years later, he built the earth using some Duct tape and some dirt. He thought he was done, but apparently he was supposed to make "life." He got back to work and created all the life on the planet, except one thing: Human Beings.
Of course the would need to spend a lot of time creating such a complex and amazing creature, who wouldn't? He the tried and tried, and after several failed attempts, which included: Apes, Sheep, Pigs, Spiders and Piers Morgan, he managed to create his magnum opus.
...And then he made everything else in the universe.
That being...Was not me.
I'm just a shut in.
"I am the king of Mordor and I want you to be my Banana. Just send me your credit card details!"