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Noah Ridgewood December 24th, 2012 12:51 AM

Non-apology apology
"I'm sorry if I offended you."
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I didn't mean to make you feel that way."

Are you guilty of using non-apology apologies?
How do you feel when others issue these types of apologies?

TornZero December 24th, 2012 1:29 AM

"Sorry, but I expect my kids to be more helpful." — My mother about three hours after yelling at us for pretty much anything about anything, mildly cut and censored.

This is the kind of non-apology I deal with on a near-daily basis, where my mother decides to only start with a "sorry", but it's really just blaming us more for anything about anything, which is usually about someone not doing some particular thing around the house, even if they do everything else.

It's always the "but" that makes it offensive, and they try to pass it off as an apology.

Of course, not only do I see it a lot, but I make it very clear that I'm not actually apologizing for being offensive when I do it. From me, it's more like, "I didn't mean to actually insult you; I just don't know how to put what I [tried to have] said [constructively] nicely... so I didn't." I was raised in a "do unto others as you would like done to yourself" house, too, so I'm expecting that they should be just as straight with me for the same purpose.

Overlord Drakow December 24th, 2012 2:27 AM

On the rare occasion, yeah. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is the one I've used before. I don't think I've ever seen anyone give out an apology like that before, not that I can recall anyway. On another note "I'm sorry if I offended you" seems like a legit apology to me.

Kura December 24th, 2012 2:27 AM

This is one of my biggest peeves, actually. I despise when people do this and I usually call them out on it. Likewise, because it bothers me so much, I never do it myself- or if I ever do, it'd just be bad wording on my part. I don't this "I'm sorry I offended you" falls into this category, because it meant just that you didn't mean for them to interpret it in the wrong way, and if you knew it would, you wouldnt say it in the first place, but you may still stand by it.

von Weltschmerz December 24th, 2012 8:04 AM

I never do that. But it's mostly because I just don't apologize. I wouldn't do anything I'm ashamed of admitting or unproud of. Thus even if someone did get offended, I wouldn't care so much--to each their own. But I'm not perfect, so...when I do concede that I am fault, I apologize, quite genuinely.

Brynjolf December 24th, 2012 11:58 AM

I don't like it when people do that, because it almost always seems as if they're doing it solely to piss me off or look witty in front of a group. Ugh.

Cherrim December 24th, 2012 12:00 PM

I do these a lot, I think. I try to catch myself because I know it's annoying and it doesn't sound very sincere but I'm just not good at wording apologies. :/ It wouldn't surprise me if I offended even more with half the apologies I do take the initiative to make.

That said, I don't notice when I make those kinds of apologies since I don't usually notice when others do it unless the apology itself is another insult altogether. :s

Hannah December 24th, 2012 4:43 PM

I consider all apologies as proper. I don't think any apology can be a non-apology, if you catch my drift.

Dave December 24th, 2012 5:37 PM

I'm not the best when it comes to wording apologies either. I trip over my words, even, when attempting to apologize, no matter how sincere I am, and, of course, doing so makes it seem even less sincere. 'I'm sorry about that,' is an apology I use extremely often but I can never come up with anything else to say. It's become my go-to apology, and I've tried to wean myself off of it to no avail.

Sweet Smoochum December 24th, 2012 10:38 PM

Sometimes, rarely, I say, I'm sorry you're a (insert word filled with *'s here.)

Yeah, if the person's not accepting of a legit apology. That's if I'm not being myself.

How would I know how you really feel about a situation?

(That was indirect at someone who doesn't come on here.)

Esper December 24th, 2012 11:24 PM

It's easy to see through these. There's really no reason to pretend you're actually apologizing. It just makes you look juvenile, especially if you insist that you have apologized after someone calls you out on it.

If someone's not going to apologize sincerely I'd rather they didn't say anything and just go away. That, or I'd want to argue it out because sometimes I just need to argue something out.

outfox December 26th, 2012 1:45 PM

Maybe it's my misunderstanding but the two sample apologies given in the op don't seem phony at all. :x I take any apology with a grain of salt, actions are louder than words.

Shining Raichu December 29th, 2012 5:11 PM

I don't do these because it drives me up the wall when people do it to me.
The form of a non-apology apology that I really hate is the "I'm sorry, but..." like, "I'm sorry, but you wouldn't do what you were told." It's really saying "this is your fault but I'm apologising for appearances." and that's just not good enough.

Sableye~ December 29th, 2012 5:20 PM

Yeah, pretty much. Only when I'm literally being forced to apologize for something I'm not sorry for. T:

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