HOMESTUCK Emerald [Rated T]
WARNING: There is crude humor and foul language in this LP.
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Welcome to Pokemon Emerald - Homestuck Edition!
Basically, everyone, this is going to be an LP of Emerald in a Homestuck style of story-telling. Hopefully that means this will contain some plot, and I'll also be adding in some side stories and such with little/no screenshots at all, so be prepared for that as well. Otherwise, LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
This will be Nuzlocke format, just to spice it up for the plot. x__x
1. If a pokemon faints, it's dead.
2. You can only catch the first pokemon you see in an area.
3. Nickname all pokemon,
>Pokemon Emerald - HOMESTUCK
>Begin Intro Sequence
You are in a dark room. A man stands before you, asking for your GENDER. As you have no idea what this is, you look in your pants to decide the answer to the question.
You are now a MALE. This strange man seems to want more than your gender. Now he looks like he is asking for your NAME. Although you can hear distant thoughts of mothers telling children not to talk to strangers, you go along with it anyway.
What?! This name would make any civilized chap such as yourself ache with nauseous pain. Its first name doesn't even fit! Now recite your actual name.
Thank god you got that one right. Now he's pulled out a SHRINK RAY. He seems to be pointing it straight at you. Before you can ask what the hell is going on, the MYSTERIOUS MAN asks you meet him at his TOTALLY NOT CREEPY LAB OF EXPERIMENTS after you wake up. This confuses you, as you refuse to believe this is a dream. Nevertheless, the SHRINK RAY begins charging, and a flash of light deems your eyesight useless.
>GO INSIDE TRUCK
Well this is unpleasant. From a dark room to the back of a smelly truck, you don't understand how you've found the very bottom of life's dignity while still being 15 years old. You can't help but notice the ODD BOXES in front of you. You resist the urge to open them.
The urge was too great. You greedily encase a nearby ODD BOX with your grubby hands and rip the box open loudly. Hopefully the driver of this SMELLY TRUCK won't notice your shenanigans. There may be some important item found inside here, and you don't want to ruin the moment.
>Take insides of Box
Inside the box, you found a BAG OF MARBLES. The colors were so bright and playful, you had to take them out.
>Fiddle with playthings.
You spent an unknown amount of time fiddling with your MARBLE PLAYTHINGS. Yup, you're at the very bottom of your dignity bowl, sir.
>Stop the Truck
Pondering how you could possibly do this yourself, you look around. There doesn't seem to be any -OH SHI-
>Grab something to hold on to
As the truck begins it's stop you roll over and a LOT OF BOXES fall onto your back. Figures. You could've used a healthy spine to begin your pokemon adventure.
You are now MOM. You are a... Wait. We haven't even introduced the main character yet. Why are we his mom right now? ... Right. Back to the actual plot. Fire that guy, please.
You are now RILEY, as you always have been. This confuses you, but you remain motionless on the ground. You have a great interest in POKEMON, especially becoming a POKEMON TRAINER to travel the world with your companions. Other than your odd liking of creatures, you enjoy MUSIC and HANGING WITH ODD FRIENDS. Things you don't enjoy include SMELLY TRUCKS and ADDICTING PLAYTHINGS. But currently you are in love with MARBLE PLAYTHINGS so that doesn't make any sense.
>Get out of truck
Hey, nice to see this here too ^^
I really love keeping up with this; so, I really look forward to more updates :3
>Get out of truck
You now get out of the truck, only to be welcomed by your over enthusiastic MOM. She has been waiting for you and is excited to welcome you into your new LIVING QUARTERS. Not as excited as you, but whatever. Anything can happen in this extremely small village. It seems to be the size of an airplane. You look around and see a sign that reads, LITTLEROOT TOWN. What an odd name.
>Proceed into quarters
Your elated mother beckons you to come inside, and you see HARDWORKING VIGOROTHS moving items back and forth in a continuous loop in front of the TV. You sincerely hope they won't be doing that forever, because then how will you watch your beloved HOUSE? What if next episode someone gets cancer again? You could never miss it. You shudder even thinking about it. Your mother tells you to go upstairs and "fix your clock". You have no idea why an ORDINARY CLOCK would need fixing.
You don't do anything but move the ORDINARY CLOCK a little to the left, but that doesn't seem to work. So with your GRUBBY HAND, you move the actual time to 12:00AM. You laugh because it actually isn't 12:00AM. God, you guess your sense of humor was run over by the SMELLY TRUCK. Your mom calls you back downstairs.
>Go Downstairs and run over to yelling mother.
Your mom is excitedly jumping up and down over a POKEMON NEWS SHOW. You don't know what could possibly be so entertaining about such a show, but you see your MYSTERIOUS FATHER on the screen, talking with an older looking person. Your mother seems elated even more than before, and you don't want to hurt her feelings. You ponder over something for a second.
Just decide, already. We're trying to tell a story.
>Spit on virtual father
This action leaves your mother with a gasp of air and half an hour of scolding before she realizes you have things to do. Huh, how weird, she says. You have things to do. She shrugs and sends you out.
>Go to next route
You begin walking up towards the next area of your adventure, but a LITTLE KID is in your way.
>Step around kid
You move, but obviously you misinterpreted this. She is actually a BRATTY LITTLE KID, as she doesn't move out of your way.
>Punch kid into next dimension and move on to the goddamn route.
You would love to do this, oh how you would, but you feel as if the cretin was placed here so annoyingly for a reason, and so you decide to do something else for now.
>Check out neighboring house.
>Enter neighboring house.
You proceed to enter the house, only to be greeted by another OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC MOTHER. You are about to leave the house when she spoke to you. You tuned out, as you have no time to give any weight to such a mother's incoherent babbling. You did pick up that she had a DAUGHTER, and decided it would be worth it to check it out. Confused as to why this mother would allow you to be in her DAUGHTER'S room alone with her, you walked upstairs.
There was no DAUGHTER in sight, but you did discover a POKE-BALL. You had plans to steal it and jump out the window, but the ball was unfortunately empty. Dissapointed, you made your way out of the room.
This caught you off guard. Upon seeing the girl, you made a mental choice to upgrade DAUGHTER to ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. Unknowing of your recent edits, the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN introduced herself as MAY. You introduced yourself as PLUTARCH HEAVENSBEE, much to your dismay. It was due to your HORMONAL RAGINGS. She told you that she would go outside to catch some POKEMON, and left you to do whatever you liked.
>Check out DAT POPPIN BOOTY
You don't ever pass up on no BOOTY.
>Leave House and Talk to ANNOYING BRAT
The ANNOYING BRAT was whining about being scared of something, but you realized you had no idea why you were standing there listening to it. You picked the brat up and set her atop a NICE TREE. The understanding tree nodded solemnly as the ANNOYING BRAT screamed for help. Thank god for the NICE TREES of the world.
>Go for a stroll
Apparently, this ODD LOOKING HOBO had other plans. The man was calling to you and pointing to a bag nearby viciously. The BROWN BAG looked normal enough, and you vaguely recalled your MOTHER telling you something about a PROFESSOR living in this village.
>Trust the HOBO and look in BAG
The insides of the BROWN BAG surprised you: Three POKEMON. They looked rare, which confirmed that the HOBO was actually a PROFESSOR. He yelled at you to choose one.
>Choose TORCHIC and dominate WILD POKEMON
You had no idea what a TORCHIC was. The POKEMON you had chosen was a DEMENTED FIRE CHICKEN. Your DEMENTED FIRE CHICKEN continued to DOMINATE the WILD POKEMON. Your newfound POKEMON left the battle unscathed & victorious.
>Collect MONEY from PROFESSOR
For a reason you don't understand, the CHEAP PROFESSOR offered you no MONEY, only a HALF-HEARTED THANK YOU and an invitation to your lab, which you took as a place of which he took children to SEXUALLY FONDLE. You did notice a VERIFICATION CARD on the PROFESSOR'S COAT which confirmed that he was in fact a legitimate PROFESSOR. Still, you kept your PEPPER SPRAY handy.
>Follow PROFESSOR to LAB
Although the situation seemed dangerous at first, the PROFESSOR'S gadgets and other items around the LAB assured you that he was not, in fact, going to SEXUALLY FONDLE you. For some reason, you apparently were unable to nickname your DEMENTED FIRE CHICKEN by yourself, as the PROFESSOR had offered you to nickname it.
>Nickname DEMENTED FIRE CHICKEN
...Where do you get these ideas.
>Embark on Adventure
Not yet. The PROFESSOR explained to you that before leaving the town of LITTLEROOT you must find the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN and battle her.
>Enter OLDALE TOWN
After hearing this sentence, you immediately deemed OLDALE TOWN as a RAPIST HEADQUARTERS. You weren't sure if you were being overly cautious or righteous in your assumption, but you didn't care. You slowly walked away from the ODD CLERK and continued to the next area. You saw the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN and made your way towards her.
>Proceed to check out DAT POPPIN BOOTY
It sure is hard to pass this POPPIN BOOTY up.
>Get slapped by ATTRACTIVE WOMAN and begin BATTLE
The UNCALLED FOR SLAP stung for a while, but you had a BATTLE to win and managed to forget about the pain. The ATTRACTIVE WOMAN was probably a commendable trainer, being the PROFESSOR'S DAUGHTER.
>Spam Scratch with CORN
Apparently, you were wrong. You tried to put her down easy by saying she was still SMOKIN HOT but that only merited a KICK IN THE BALLSACK. Ouch.
>Recover your composure
After you got up from the ground, the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN mentioned a sentence that made you ponder if their family was just a CRUDE RAPIST CULT. You made a mental note to steer clear from the PROFESSOR, but the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN mentioned going back to talk to him.
>Act like a five year old and refuse
You still had intentions on SCREWING the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, so that was not an option.
>Proceed to LAB
The LAB consisted of no SEXUAL PLAYTHINGS or RESTRAINING CHAINS, so you allowed yourself to enter. The professor handed you a RED CONTRAPTION which he said was extremely important. You'd check it out later.
That was quick. You begin to smile and casually unzip your pants when the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN pulled out a handful of POKE-BALLs. Maybe next time.
>Put POKE-BALLS away
After this, the PROFESSOR explained that you would go on a journey to defeat the eight gym leaders and the elite four, becoming the CHAMPION of HOENN. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN chimed in too, saying she would do the same. For that reason, you agreed to do it.
>Get Stopped by OVER ENTHUASTIC MOTHER
The shoes were SO 2009 but you still accepted them and smiled at your MOTHER. She mentioned something about seeing your MYSTERIOUS FATHER on your journey, but you thought nothing of it. You liked to imagine your MYSTERIOUS FATHER as a COY SEXGOD and was too busy keeping SEXUAL *****ES company to talk to you.
>Truly embark on journey
>Acquire first WILD POKEMON
Looks like it will be this piece of trash.
>Catch PIECE OF TRASH
Because the PIECE OF TRASH couldn't speak, a nickname wasn't necessary. You would continue to refer to it as PIECE OF TRASH. I guess you forgot to worry about its SELF-ESTEEM.
>Undergo first battle with PIECE OF TRASH
You were unsure why you even attempted killing the POKEMON with PIECE OF TRASH.
>Finish Battle with CORN and fight another battle with PIECE OF TRASH
It seems that PIECE OF TRASH isn't so worthless against its own brethren. To cheer it on, you exclaimed, "Keep it up, PIECE OF TRASH!" It looked back it you with a face that looked like it would kill itself on the spot. You shrugged, happy with the win nonetheless.
>Train PIECE OF TRASH
Oh great, now look at what you've done. It's even more worthless now.
>Help GREEN HAIRED CHILD out
The GREEN HAIRED CHILD was running about the streets of PETALBURG, bawling his eyes out. You asked him what the matter was and he simply grabbed your hand and took you to the previous route. You had a scary thought that he was RELATED TO THE PROFESSOR and struggled to escape the GREEN HAIRED RAPIST. Fortunately, this turned out not to be the case and the GREEN HAIRED CHILD simply needed assistance in catching a POKEMON.
>Go to FATHER'S Gym
Your FATHER didn't make enough money being a COY SEXGOD and had to use something else to hold up the family. Of course, it was something wild and awesome. Gee, could your FATHER get any sweeter? The GREEN HAIRED CHILD was babbling something incoherent to your FATHER, who, like you, DIDN'T GIVE A ****.
>Receive ADVICE from FATHER
What was said after this point is unrepeatable under the HOLY SWEAR OF SEXGODS, but you will release this - you now know where BABIES COME FROM.
>Challenge FATHER to a BATTLE
Of course. The thought that your FATHER would be the easiest first gym leader is so preposterous, you wonder if your brain had a lapse when asking.
>Leave PETALBURG TOWN
You didn't realize the gigantic number of POSSIBLE RAPISTS in HOENN, and the way the SUNGLASS-CLAD MAN had brought up your CLOTHING STYLE seemed extremely peculiar.
>Sock SUNGLASS-CLAD MAN in stomach and run away.
Your father would be proud.
>Continue journey by acquiring another POKEMON.
This looks useful. Don't name it anything stupid.
>Name it something stupid
>Battle with FAP
Seriously, what is wrong with you?
>Go to PETALBURG WOODS
This man looked well-dressed, and therefore you kept your PEPPER SPRAY on idle. He seemed to be a CASUAL POKEMON ENTHUSIAST, looking for one of his favorites, a SHROOMISH. You had seen none, as the first WILD POKEMON in this area was a WURMPLE that FAP obliterated.
>Become TEAM AQUA GRUNT
You are now TEAM AQUA GRUNT. It is not your BIRTHDAY, and you resent that every second that goes by. You are 38 YEARS OLD, and have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING with your life. To prove it, you have joined a PIRATE-IMPOSER CULT that specializes in CREATURES DESIGNED FOR CHILDREN. Your interests include ROMANTIC WALKS BY THE BEACH, K-POP, and REMINISCING THE GOOD OL' DAYS WITH YOUR PET SHOE NAMED CARL. You have consequently forgotten YOUR OWN NAME. Huh.
>Battle DRAG QUEEN KID
Looks like you misjudged, it was a NORMAL TRAINER. That wig is pretty weird, though.
>Lose miserably to NORMAL TRAINER
In retrospect, you could've caught more than 1 POKEMON.
After defeating the grunt, you said goodbye to the FANCY MAN and continued through the woods.
>Grind your POKEMON
Interesting. Maybe PIECE OF TRASH wasn't TRASH anymore.
>Skip RUSTBORO SHENANIGANS and catch new WILD POKEMON
This certainly wasn't worth skipping anything for.
>Seriously, this time, don't name it anything stupid.
... I suppose we can go ahead and call this an improvement.
>Challenge GYM LEADER OF RUSTBORO
>First, check your Team
Who was that? Good idea, though.
>Your mother's calling. Save the game and leave.
How'd you know that?!
****, you're right.
>Demolish GYM TRAINERS with FAP
They simply didn't pose a threat to FAP'S LIQUID BLAST OF DEATH. More commonly referred to as WATER GUN.
Let's do this!
>Remember your entire team is weak to NOSEPASS
Now we're talking.
>Destroy GEODUDES with FAP
Now that's what I'm talking about.
>Abuse CORN'S adult form to win
You could have put it in a nicer way, though.
>Leave RUSTBORO TOWN
You attempted, but a MAGICAL INVISIBLE WALL kept you from leaving the gym's grounds. You looked over to see the FANCY MAN yelling at a man that looked like he was COSPLAYING AS A PIRATE.
>Check it out
The FANCY MAN stopped you from checking it out on your own, and described to you that the PIRATE COSPLAYER was actually yet another member of TEAM AQUA who had stolen his GOODS.
>Ask if you wanted kids at some point
The FANCY MAN looked confused, and explained to you that the GOODS were referring to his GENITALIA. You nodded your head calmly, as if you were testing him all along.
>Go to battle TEAM AQUA GRUNT
You're about to enter the cave when this FAT JOLLY MAN stops you and begins to whine to you that his PRECIOUS PEEKO was stolen by a CONNIVING PIRATE. You began to consider what PEEKO meant, and decided without asking that it wasn't OLD PEOPLE LINGO for GENITALIA.
>Endure PIERCING SCREECH from FAT JOLLY MAN
Turns out that FAT JOLLY MAN isn't so JOLLY. You're not sure how your EARDRUMS survived that.
You enter and... It's the same grunt as before.
>Become TEAM AQUA GRUNT.
You are now TEAM AQUA GRUNT. You've just stolen a DEFENSELESS OBESE OLD PERSON'S PEEKO, whatever that means. It looked like a NORMAL WINGULL to you. You got ANGRILY SPANKED by your GRUNT LEADER after failing to steal the GOODS earlier, but now that you've got them, you stupidly ran into a CAVE WITH NO EXIT. Now this DRAG QUEEN - wait a second. It's that same punk that beat you in the woods!!
>GARBLE INCOHERENT NONSENSE
>Drop all priorites and rashly challenge DRAG QUEEN TRAINER
Will you ever learn?
You are now RILEY. You just watched the TEAM AQUA GRUNT shed a tear and run past you without another word. The JOLLY FAT MAN hurried over to you and what you assumed to be PEEKO. The MAN offered you to stop by his HUMBLE ABODE later, and before your brain considered it to be a RAPIST TRAPHOLE you smiled and thanked him.
>Bring GOODS to FANCY MAN.
You handed them over, the FANCY MAN sporting a huge smile.
>Accept GRACIOUS REWARD OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
Instead, the FANCY MAN decided to give you some MORE BALLS. You quickly put them in your bag to show how happy you were, but turned around and made a PUKEY FACE to express your feelings.
Well, it certainly sounds like you will.
Stop scaring me like that, will you?!
You tried to listen to the PRESIDENT, but all you really could do was admire his MAJESTIC MUSTACHE. You slightly recall him and the FANCY MAN giving you some IMPORTANT TASKS, but you had already forgotten them. Silly you!
>See ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.
Come on, give her some respect! MAY looked happy to see you. I mean, what woman wouldn't be happy to take a gander at your STRIKING BOD?
>Get Challenged by MAY
It seems that ADMIRING FROM AFAR is not MAY'S thing.
>Destroy MAY'S TEAM
There were no survivors. Well, except your POKEMON.
>Check out DAT POPPIN' BOOTY
Hopefully that wasn't too boring of an update for you guys. Enjoy!
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