View Single Post
  #9    
Old May 22nd, 2005 (11:22 AM).
Shadowfaith's Avatar
Shadowfaith Shadowfaith is offline
Destined for something more...
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: United Kingdom, Wales
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Nature: Relaxed
Posts: 2,532
Midori: Dodger beat me to it XD. Yes, much more detail is needed here. You have said she likes to wear pink, but what you havent said is, what type of clothes she likes wearing. For example, is it a long skirt with flowers imprinted down the side accompanied by a pink crop top, or is it something else. Your personality could use the same attention, it's not enough to say: "intelligent, suspicious and friendly" You need to use linking words...example:

Ren is a carefree spirit with a friendly nature; she wipes threats and meanness aside easily and sweet towards her friends. But when faced with danger, her calm demeanor changes to one of complete seriousness and is a raging killing machine when against foe's.

You see what description and words can do to personality and description?

Quote:
She finds a marble which gives her powers..angel powers..She ends up being princess of angels,too..
First off, this is suppose to be past tense, so the use of "She finds" wouldnt be wise you use here, try "She found" Now, I dont mean to sound rude, but your character is a tad overpowering in the History department, your History tells me that she has remarkable powers and cannot be stopped, this wouldnt do for the start of an RPG unless it is fantasy that is. You also may want to spruce up on where she found the marble, what it does and how she became the queen of angels. Background information is everything in History; I would also say the same for your 'other'.

Dodger: There is not much I can say for you except very well done. Your description is great and you have even given a reason as to why he wears the choker and in your personality you have described why he is how he is, which is what I would personally look for in a sign up. Well-done!