FFotM (March 06) The Ties that Bind (One-Shot)
View Single Post
May 2nd, 2006, 07:44 PM
Feline of Light and Shadow
Join Date: Oct 2005
Better late than never is right. Thanks so much for taking time out of your life to review this thing. I can only imagine how long it took to do such of a thorough review. I know I usually don't have the patience to do that. And a big thanks for pointing out all those mistakes, and hopefully I can look out for them in the future. Some of them, after you pointed them out, made me feel really, really stupid for not seeing them in the first place. (Honestly, I wonder how my eyes can overlook such things.)
Even the Elite Four were just another obstacle in the road you had to get over to accomplish your dream.
Verrry awkward, there; I had to read it a couple times to see what you meant. I think that you don't need to say anything about actually getting over the obstacles; just leave it as "Even the Elite Four were just another obstacle in the road you had to [travel, journey, etc.] to reach your dream." Cleaner, simpler, says the same thing. The problem with the sentence as is now is the syntax actually implies that it's the road that needs to be gotten over, not the obstacles, and that doesn't make much sense.
A big thank you for pointing out that one. That sentence has been bothering me for a long time, yet I couldn't find the right way to phrase it. And the 'scrub mark' thing made me laugh. o.o I'll definitely go and change it, now I have a very weird image every time I read over that paragraph. XD
You can see the grass-type is straining to gather each essential sun particle for the final attack that will, if it’s not stopped, bring about the end of the match – the end of your dream.
0.o;... Isn't Solar Beam merely the gathering of the the sun's rays (particles) to form into usable energy? That's how I imagined it, anyway.
As for the rest of the review, thanks a lot for the compliments. The stuff in parentheses...well, they were more of a stylistic choice, I guess that just 'wrote' itself in there. And the ending is actually my favorite part of the one-shot, too. (Well, aside from the Egg Bombing Blissey.) And I'm glad those parts didn't come off as cheesy or anything like that - it was the last thing I wanted. And while I'm at it, thanks for telling me the last sentence detracts you from the ending. o.o As I'm always editing, I'll consider taking it out and/or moving it in the near future.
It now looks like I have quite a bit of editing to do.
Again, thanks so much for taking time to review this, I really, really appreciate it and your comments do help and let me know what I can work on. Thanks again!
: Thanks for your review! I'm glad you liked it. 0_o This is probably the only 'second person' POV that actually works... the other ones I've written in this POV are merely because I found I really like the POV. o.o But I definitely enjoyed writing this one-shot. XD Don't think I could ever pull it off again.
Battle ye not with a monster, lest ye become one.
+Other Fanfictional Works+
In Her Dreams
The Ties that Bind
Dividing the Bones
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Saffire Persian
Find all posts by Saffire Persian
Find threads started by Saffire Persian
Ignore Posts by Saffire Persian