FFotM (March 06) The Ties that Bind (One-Shot)
View Single Post
June 9th, 2006 (09:11 PM).
Not a Baygel
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Hey Saffire Persian! I read this before in SPPF and now I just read it again. I say after reading this the second time, I am still amazed of this great work. I really love your style in this story. Now, since you had been so supportive on my story, I shall do the favor in reviewing your fic here. (I decided to review “The Ties that Bind” here because I felt like reviewing a few stories here in PC).
The Champion, out of courtesy, is going first, though it doesn’t really matter who goes first now. The red and white ball flies through the air, erupting in a flash of white light. Out of the light, a giant verdant creature appears, a giant flower spread across her back, while a long, steady grin emerges on her long face as she stamps the ground in challenge. You smile and fancy you can feel it tremble.
I think the sentence structure in this one should be “…a giant verdant creature appears, with its giant spread across her back…” Yeah, learned that the hard way from Timid Kyogre in SPPF!
Who does she think she is?
She says she understands, but you know she doesn’t. She knows medical terminology and stuff, but she doesn’t know your Pokémon like you do.
How would she know that your Charizard hates to be alone with people he doesn’t know?
How would she know that he hates needles?
If he wakes up, will she know how to handle him? Can she comfort him like you do when he’s frightened or sad?
I actually liked the way you put parentheses in some of the words in this part. Gives an emphasis on how *I* felt about Charizard in the hands of Nurse Joy. This reminds me of “Da Vinci Code” as the writer italized some of the words to show an effect of how a character thinks
Why must they ask such questions? Don’t they see you are in no mood to talk? Don’t they see that you are gently shaking? Your pale, tear-stained face?
How do you feel about being the next Champion? they ask. How do you feel the battle with the former Champion went? Are you pleased? Surprised? Disappointed? What did you have to do to get this far?
Not: Are you all right? What happened to your Charizard? Is there anything we can do?
How would you be feeling if you didn't know whether your Pokémon was okay or not? you want to shout out in retaliation, but you don’t. You still do not trust yourself to speak, afraid that if you do, your voice will break, and maybe if you don’t speak, these people will go away.
Yep, those paparazzi people don’t know how *I* felt. Wish they could have been more nicer. It seems they did not even know that *my* Charizard’s recent injury even existed.
“Listen –“ you finally say, your voice wavering, but you are cut off as the endless tirade of questions bombards you.
(Can’t they just go away?)
The Blissey is now walking purposely forward, waving her arms back and forth. You stand up just as the Blissey enters the crowd, pushing through the people with her oval-shaped body, her gaze that of righteous fury…[/QUOTE]
Hehehe, a Blissey will make a great paparazzi destroyer!
You also don’t know that eight trainers now sport black eyes because they asked one too many questions.)
Think it’s supposed to be “…have sport black eyes…”
When you wake up again, it is far into the evening.
Exactly forty-five minutes later you find out your Charizard is dead.
It takes you three days to accept it.
(Sniffs) I can’t believed that *my* Charizard is gone.
Only when you have no more tears to shed and a no longer have a voice to scream do they tell you how he died.
Supposed to be “…no more tears to shed and no longer have a voice to scream…”.
Fuchsia City: If you remember correctly, it was he who ticked off the Scyther in the Safari Zone. Not you.
Hehehe…beware of the Scythers!
(Time will freeze, Eternity will wait, and Death will stop its inevitable course for these few precious moments. For they are yours, and forever will be. )
You slowly lift up the ash filled bag, and you hesitate for only a moment more –
(It’s hard letting go. You never really got to say good-bye)
— before you scatter the remaining contents to the wind.
~They say that Time will eventually heal all wounds; but people tend to forget the deep, everlasting scars it leaves~
What an ending. I believed that is a great resting place for *my* Charizard. May he rest in peace.
Well, hope for you the best on Metamorphosis! I will try to review more stories here in PC. Sorry this review took a long time. (I told you back in SPPF how I read this and loved it).
Current FF&W Challenges and Discussions
Flash Fiction Week #15
Genre of the week (Autobiographies)
Character Originality vs. Face Claiming
2015 Writing Blitz Challenge(Coming soon!)
Archive of Our Own
Partner in Crime
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Bay Alexison
Find all posts by Bay Alexison
Find threads started by Bay Alexison
Ignore Posts by Bay Alexison