Nothing, Everything [PG-13]
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September 21st, 2007, 06:50 AM
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
You posted it! Early! =o And I have a chance to read it during my busy week.
Ah, you know how obsessed I can be with history facts. xD So I'm interested in this story's plot. Not only am I a history nerd, but I have always been interested in the mythology of the Pokemon world. So it's going to be real fun to see how someone else deals with the mythology.
*glomps dp876* Yay! Less grammar I need to cover!
; Ah, let me point out a few mistakes that I noticed that she didn't mention.
I guess I had spent a little too long in this library.”
"spent" needs a direct object. In other words, what was spent?
The bright lights made the walls
yellow but also warmed Bunny’s body.
He felt his blood pressure
Why you did that to me?”
o.O I think "you" and "did" need to be switched around. It sounds really awkward to me. But since it's dialog, I'll leave it up to you to decide if it should be fixed.
The figure kept walking until stopped to see a ten story apartment building close by.
Just place a "he" before "stopped" and you'll be all set.
Vines circled around the brick constructed place and many windows
with the lights inside.
I'll stop being such a grammar nerd now. xD
One thing that I noticed on reading this through is that you tend to overuse the character's name in narration. When Bunny and the others were in the library, Bunny's name popped up many times when you could have used "she". It was just something I noticed. *shrugs*
I'll be waiting for the next installment of this.
Last edited by Astinus; October 21st, 2007 at
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