Never in the Wrong Time or Wrong Place
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October 1st, 2007, 11:01 PM
THAT'S NOT SNORLAX
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Land o' the Yankees
That was a great chapter, and it's obvious you're getting better in description. I like the leader personality you gave to Daedalus and I hope you stick with it.
One problem, though...
the field was the size of a football field.
GREATLY contradicts with...
The gym was about the size of a warehouse.
Roxanne suggested, starting to traipse along the rocky field.
That's a pretty amazing feat. It'd take me about 15 minutes (probably more) to walk that distance. There are a few other thing that don't fit with the whole "size of a football field thing". You may want to change that...
Can't wait until the next update!
"HIS NAME IS BORELAX!"
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