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Old October 17th, 2007 (08:45 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
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I’m reviewing here because SPPf is being a pain, even at one in the morning. ; So I figured why not just finish reviewing here, since I can get on at all times of the day.

Quote:
He poked at it, idly, picking at the dried blood that formed a still trickle down his arm; like sap on a tree trunk.
The semicolon isn’t needed. The words after it are actually a fragment if left on their own, so just replace the semicolon with a comma.

Quote:
Jeff slowly limped over the forest bed, sticks broke and leaves crunched beneath his heavy feet. Every so often, he turned his head around; paranoid of more pokemon who didn’t think red was his color.
Here’s where it gets confusing. @.@ The first sentence, you can replace the comma with a semicolon because the two sentences are related, but can stand on their own. The second sentence is the one where you don’t need the semicolon, so you make that one into a comma. (If you give me a few days, I’ll write up a guide for semicolons. They’re very hard to explain quickly.)

Quote:
"Ugh, damnit…sorry bud, I forgot my backpack back at the lake. Now I have to go get it." Jeff explained to the disappointed pokemon.
Full stop after "it" should be a comma.

Quote:
"It’s you again!" Jeff exclaimed, overjoyed. "…Nice twig." Jeff smiled, gesturing to the identical twig in his mouth.
Corrections in bold.

Quote:
"Treecko Tree Tree Cko," Treecko smiled, dropping the heavy backpack.
Comma after "cko" should be a full stop.

Quote:
"Treecko Cko Tree Treecko" Treecko laughed, mockingly.
Forgot to place the full stop in the quotation marks.

Quote:
Treecko turned to go back to his massive tree, he began to walk back into the thick brush.
Split this one sentence into two by changing the comma after "tree" to a full stop. Or you could keep it as one, but change in to "…back to his massive tree, walking back into the thick brush". Either or.

Quote:
Jeff called to Treecko before he was camouflaged by the plants, "hey Treecko…how would you like to come back to my home for some food?"
Capitalize "hey".

Quote:
Jeff looked at Treecko, skeptically,
Comma after "skeptically" should be a full stop.

Quote:
"Cko Tree" Treecko said as he put up one finger
Missed that full stop again after "tree".

Quote:
"Tree…Treecko?" Jeff called out in a raspy voice, his mouth was very dry.
Again, you could split up this sentence. Either have "his mouth was very dry" on it’s own, or make it "his mouth dry" and keep it as one sentence.

Quote:
After a painstaking half hour, they finally reached the edge of Littleroot Town.
Correction in bold.

Quote:
Treecko shook his head,
Comma should be a full stop.

Quote:
"<I guess he thought that this visit would make up for it, then,>" Tyrogue grinned.
Comma after "then" should be a full stop.

Quote:
Treecko began to think,
Comma should be a full stop.

Quote:
smiled Tyrogue.
Since this isn’t a dialogue tag, it goes as it’s own sentence. Just switch the two words around.

Quote:
Treecko’s heart sunk,
Comma should be a full stop.

Quote:
Tyrogue patted his back, "<c’mon pal, don’t be so hard on yourself,>"
Comma after "back" should be a full stop, and capitalize "C’mon".

Quote:
"Here, let me walk with you to the edge of the forest." Jeff offered.
Full stop after "forest" should be a comma.

Quote:
Chikorita mocked
Missed the full stop at the end of this sentence.

Quote:
"<Pah, right! Think what you like but I hope to Arceus that I'm [b]never[b] like him
Tags got mucked up. o.o

Quote:
Jeff reassured
Missed the full stop at the end of this sentence.

I’m impressed with how developed the characters are becoming. Tyogre definitely showed a lot of development in this chapter. He went from just one casually mentioned Pokémon in a beginning chapter to a solid character. I hope to see more of him as I continue to catch up reading.

Just one last grammar thing: You tend to repeat the names of the characters in narration. Don’t be afraid to use pronouns or other descriptive epithets for the characters. For example, call Treecko "the wood gecko", or something to that affect. (Of course, I’m still playing catch up. So if you changed this in later chapters, feel free to ignore me. xD)
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