View Single Post
Old October 21st, 2007 (10:00 PM).
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus Astinus is offline
Remember NovEnder
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,340
Hey, Bay! Finally got around to reviewing your chapter. About time, huh? ;

The beginning of this chapter confused me. You say that this chapter begins four years later, but then start off with a seven-year-old Jenny. It wasn’t until you say that Jenny woke up from the dream that I realised what was going on. There are a few ways that I could see that you could fix this: Take out the first line of the chapter; put the dream in another font, like italics; or start the regular narration after the dream with a line about how it was four years after Jenny received that mysterious necklace.

The officer then yelled when she spilled her coffee on her police uniform, her arm accidentally shoved it out of the white squared table.
Bold should be "off of". And the sentence might sound better reworded, because right now it reads as if Jenny knocked her uniform off the table. Sentences like that are tricky. It’s like the sentence "It was put in the oven by the teacher", which makes it seem as if the teacher was put into the oven. XD I’ll stop now.

Jenny felt her throat dry and her heart beating slowly.
Need a word after "dry", like "up". Right now, it just seems as if Jenny felt her throat so much, it dried right up.

"I cannot believe you taught me into this, Violet!"

Bunny quickly took out a Pokèball, from the purse she was carrying, and later threw it up in the air.
Don’t need the comma after "Pokeball".

The red and white orb burst open with a bright light and later the Pokèmon can be clearly seen.

A purple balloon with yellow tape on the middle hovered up and down slowly. His tiny eyes looked as if he was tired.
This is really kind of…skimpy for a description. You missed the two tails of Drifblim, the puff of cotton on its head, even the shape of its mouth! I’m not saying that you should describe every last detail of a Pokémon as soon as it is introduced. That depends on how important it is to the story, but you should try to paint a clear enough picture of the Pokémon for the reader. Like my description of a Grovyle:
In a brilliant flash of white reconstructing light, a green reptile formed. He stood on two strong legs. Two long leaves were his tail; three leaves sprouted from his wrists; one leaf started at his head and ran the length of his back. His belly was a healthy pink. Glaring with yellow eyes, he waited for his opponent to appear.
Just take a picture of a Pokémon and try to cover every detail.

Come on pal!
Comma needed after "on".

The man just stood there hearing the archaeologists’ sobs.
The apostrophe goes before the s for the singular noun. If there were many archaeologists running around, then it would be correct.

Scram you stray Pokèmon!"
Comma needed after "scram".

The backside of the tent went wide open and then Balin came out with a bowl on his mouth.
"In" would work better.

It did not took long for the two to come to where the tournament was at.

General "Oh mah gods, Hanako! Stop being a grammar nerd!" time: Truthfully, your dialogue sounds a little stilted to me. It would sound more "real" for your characters to speak like you hear people speak. Just keep your ears open, and you’ll see what I mean. And read over your dialogue, seeing how it sounds to your ears. It just depends on how modern you want your characters to sound, I guess. Like if you want to show that Bunny needs to get out of the library more, keep her away from contractions, but have Violet use "don’t", "can’t", or "isn’t" in her speech.

Another nitpick about dialogue: You rely too much on the speech tag "said" paired up with another modifier. I noticed this when you had the two children notice Sky. Like here:
"I think we made it mad!" said the young girl in fright.
Instead of "said in fright", try "squealed", or "screamed", or don’t even modify the dialogue.
"I think we made it mad!" The young girl shrank away from the glaring Drifblim.
In the second example, the reader can see by the girl’s actions that she’s scared. She’s shrinking away from Sky. In the first quote, the reader is told that she’s scared. I guess this is just a "Show, Don’t Tell" thing.

Other than that, things are looking good! Can’t wait for the next chapter! I haven’t read The Da Vinci Code yet, so everything is going to be new to me! ;

And hopefully it won't take me so long to review... xD
Reply With Quote