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Old October 22nd, 2007, 05:17 AM
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 26
Nature: Quirky
Uhh...jb...we've already established loudspeakers, trains, piercings, pokéballs, abuse of narcotica, headache-inducing music and shady night clubs; to my mind that's not a medieval setting (Whether it's completely modern is anyone's guess, but it's certainly not medieval). The knight thing is just a theme for the big game. =O

Anyways, I would have commented earlier, but RPs and real life issues just swallowed me up. It's all good, though, seeing as how these two chapters pretty much belong together anyway. I must say, Imogen is an interesting addition to the cast (Looking forward to see the character development that comes out of this particular friendship :3). Sebastian being a knight wasn't completely unexpected, but it certainly cast some additional light on the relationship between him and Viola. (Both sneaking out on missions behind the other's back, go figure.) The whole puzzle thing was pretty sneaky, but I've got to wonder: with two millions on the line, why did they set up such an elaborate scheme instead of just having it blow up in Viola's face? (Or why didn't they rig it to detonate regardless of what combination you put in?) I take it, this is a personal quirk of Knight Spider's or some kind of rule in this game they're playing? I should hate to think that it was there for the sole purpose of keeping the main character alive. x3

Anyway, just a minor thing I noticed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
"Imogen?" Viola finally said.

"Yes, Viola?"

"I'm sorry."

There was a short silence as Imogen looked up and studied Viola carefully. The new Knight continued to stare at nothing in particular.

At last, Imogen said, "For what?"

With a sigh, Viola lowered her head until her fingers slipped over the bridge of her nose. Gently, she started rubbing it as a headache set in.

"For everything," she said. "For dragging you into this mess. I should've taken that box from you."
And this is followed by a fourth 'said'. Careful with that word; it gets repetitive very quickly and has a bad reputation because of the way...certain writers use it. You might want to try replacing one or two of those with a synonym. I've noticed a similar tendency throughout a number of the chapters. Like I said: it's not a big thing, but it does stick out after a while, especially when used around exclamation marks ('said' and exclamation marks just really don't play well together), so I thought I'd point it out.

Oh, and since I thought I had commented on the third chapter but actually hadn't: excellent call on making the battle between Viola and Rosaline a draw. It's a refreshing change from the usual routine of the main protagonist winning their first battle against all odds and makes a lot more sense too. Same goes for her initial hesitance over battling. Imogen has a point: Viola does have a crummy outlook on things. xD


Looking forward to future chapters as usual. ^.^
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Last edited by Alter Ego; October 22nd, 2007 at 06:16 AM.
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