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Old October 30th, 2007, 02:01 AM
Alter Ego's Avatar
Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 26
Nature: Quirky
Whew, finally got Philosophy off my back. That means I have some room to breathe again. Didn't want to review this until I had the time to do it properly. :3

Alight, then:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
"Very nice," he said, "Looks home-made."
Tiniest freakin' nit in existence, but that should be comma rather than full stop after "said".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
It is important to know that an overdose or repeated use will result in a destruction of brain tissue. Survivors are typically rendered brain dead, but such people are incredibly rare. Most of the unlucky souls experience a complete system shutdown: the brain is so damaged that even all unconscious processes such as breathing cease.
There are multiple processes, so "cease" rather than "ceases".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Midsummer Game rules, rule two: There are three objects of the game. First and most obvious, to reach the Midsummer Vault before any other player; second, to survive by fulfilling all tasks given to you; and third – which is more of a strategy than an actual goal – to collect the other players' Midsummer Keys.
Shouldn't that be "objectives"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Viola blinked. Her opponent bowed over his limp pokémon. She saw his body shake, and she swear she could hear a whimper. Beside him was her goal: the package.
Either you're missing a "could" there (not the most graceful of formulations since there's already a "could" so close by) or that was meant to be "swore".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
"I can't stand it anymore!" he stopped to sob, "I've been playing the Game for months, and it's been driving me crazy! I can't do anything without having to think about my Master, and all these people keep on trying to kill me! I can't do this anymore! Just take the key and leave me alone!"
Since the beginning of your quotation is the first word of this sentence, the 'he' shouldn't be capitalized. Also, comma instead of full stop after "sob".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Specifically, as of current, two particular political parties fight for the coveted position of power, and these parties are known by the names of their most prominent leaders, the Capulets and the Montagues.
Not sure about the underlined formulation as I've never noticed anyone saying or writing that. If it's just some figure of speech that I'm not aware of, feel free to ignore this comment, though.


As usual, there isn't much here that I could call an 'error'. I really like the way you narrated this chapter with the encyclopedia entries. Reading it sort of gave the mental image of watching an anime (Midsummer Knights anime? That's one cool mental image if I ever saw one. xD). Very realistic take on the drug thing too; those nicknames sounded just like the ones really druggies use. That's also a nice way to provide additional information on background and setting without resorting to a lecture on the subject. One thing, though: the way in which the encyclopedia entries are written seems to suggest that - in the encyclopedia's present day - M.A.D. is no longer being consumed. (E.g. "Most forms of M.A.D. were usually taken orally"). Unless this is intentional, then edits are in order.

As for the new style...personally, I like it. It works with the whole intonation thing I mentioned in the PM but it's still leaving the interpretation of meaning largely to the actual words and body language. I re-read this with special attention to the area of change, and no 'said's struck me as inappropriate. :3

Overall, a captivating read as always. It's weird how more people aren't commenting. O=
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Last edited by Alter Ego; October 30th, 2007 at 02:12 AM.
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