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Old December 10th, 2007 (11:53 PM).
Elite Overlord LeSabre™'s Avatar
Elite Overlord LeSabre™
Classic Elegance
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: 9840 Pineville-Matthews Road
Age: 89
Nature: Quirky
Yeah, taking a break from studying to review (especially since I don't want to have a lot to review when the actual exams hit...)

First... STOP! GRAMMAR TIME!
Quote:
That made the Pokemon quiet down and he went back to watching the television with a smile
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put it on the small desk beside the window, and fell onto the bed. Her hands ruffled Balin’s fur.
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She faintly heard about artifacts from books and documentaries but then found out more about them each time she dug a scoop of sand from the spot where they were hidden.
Number agreement with plural, "artifacts."

Quote:
We got a few questions of the death of Ernest Norrison and also, we would like you to come with us to the crime scene.
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Bunny sighed in relief, knowing she made her decision.
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The winds blew violently on Route 209, the waters rippling and the trees shaking. The Pokemon under the grass covered themselves with their heads
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"Huh?" Bunny asked, now paying attention to what the police were going to say.

"I said, have you ever met Ernest before? Or at least, heard of his name?"
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I wonder why
Missing punctuation. Not sure if you wanted a question mark or an ellipsis.

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They could not help themselves but take a peek at the artifacts
A few other things:
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Jenny, watch over her." He later got up and then went down the stairs.
Here's the usage of "later" again. Granted, this isn't as hectic as a battle, but the "later" still feels out of place.

Quote:
a white haired woman took out the glasses from her beady gray eyes and used the top part of her dress to clean it. After she finished cleaning them, Brenda put them back on
Not the best way to introduce a character, as it's rather ambiguous. Actually, it would have worked better if you reworded it, "After she finished cleaning them, the woman, Brenda, put them back on" as then it's clear that Brenda was the woman described in the previous sentence.

And a couple of passages that didn't flow all that well.
Quote:
"Yeah. Too bad you could not have made it to the fair, Mrs. Davis."
Not sure if this was your intention, but she almost sounds too stuffy and formal with how she avoids the use of contractions. In normal, everyday speech (such as downtime with a Pokemon) speech is usually more relaxed.
Long story short, don't be afraid to say "couldn't have" instead of "could not have." It just sounds more natural for casual conversation.

Quote:
but she did not want to be rude. Besides, they are the police.
Again, "didn't" and "they're" would flow better.

Now, I understand that you're paralleling the Da Vinci Code here, but Bunny's arrest seemed drawn out and risky on the part of the officers. If she was suspected of the murder, I would have fully expected the police to do a "COPS"-style takedown, complete with the officers ramming down the door and shouting, "On the floor! Hands behind your back! Now!" By transporting her to the crime scene, with her Ninetales outside of his Pokeball, no less, the officers risk her pulling off an escape or using her Pokemon to burn them to a crisp. Now, I know Bunny's not the type of person to do that, but the officers don't know her personality. Plus, people can act strangely out of character if they feel threatened.

The scenes with Jacob and Brenda seemed... random. I'm sure that both play a part in the plot, but the way that the scenes quickly switched interrupts the flow. If you were to expand on those brief scenes, perhaps adding in additional detail and thoughts, it would work better, as then the scene shift wouldn't be so abrupt.

With all that crit though, the mystery of Giratina and Bunny's arrest certainly thickens the plot, and I am looking forward to the next chapter! And you'll have plenty of time over break to go over and make sure it's the best it can be
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