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Old December 17th, 2007, 07:29 AM
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Alter Ego
that evil mod from hell
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Age: 26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Nighttime in Verona City bears little change from the daytime. Although the lack of sun produces more shadow for cover, many of the areas drenched in darkness were the already dark alleys lacing across the city, and the main streets were bathed with neon lights like an iridescent noon.
Okay, I'm probably going out of my depth on the grammar front here, but I'm not used to seeing tenses switched in the middle of a sentence like this. As I said: I'm not sure if it's an error, but I thought I'd point it out since it struck me as unusual when reading. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Except in the case of customers, anyone who entered the shop was immediately chased away by the ghost, spectral balls of black energy sailing towards their heels. Eventually, people stopped bothering her, the haunter serving as her guardian and the books her father gave her before his death being her teachers.
You've got a 'were' instead of ' was' here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Without waiting for a further explanation, Viola grabbed his hand and pulled him into the shop with Haunter following close behind. At first, he protested, but eventually, he allowed himself to trust the stranger under the assumption that it was better than the men that were pursuing him.
'The men' are persons, so that should be 'who' rather than 'that', I believe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
She barely registered much about the people who sat there in front of their plates and cups of coffee, but as she passed, the heads of two men – one portly and the other lanky with straw-colored hair – turned to study her carefully.
"Barely registered much"? I don't know...that sounds sort of like you were going for "barely registered" and then decided on "didn't register much" halfway through or something. o.O I'd say rephrase that somehow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jax Malcolm View Post
Toby glanced cautiously from first Romeo then Mercury and back again. His mouth opened in preparation for a comeback as his body inched backwards. Then, the sound of a throat clearing snapped the atmosphere of the psychological showdown. All heads turned towards the waitress, who stood with a coffeepot in one hand and her other hand on her hip.
The underlined bit is another case of a formulation which just seems odd to me.


Yeah, that's about all I could find, and it's mostly things that I can't back up with a clear-cut rule. *Shot for bad reviewing practice* Just thought I'd point out what stuck out to me. Sorry it took so long to get this posted, I've been terribly lazy with my reviews lately. xP

Anyways, good points...erm, everything else won't do, will it? xD Well, I like the mystery of the whole handing over keys thing and how you left it completely open whether there's an impostor loose or if it's Viola experiencing some sort freaky split-personality disorder. Well, odds are that it's an impostor, but you never know. x3 I also enjoyed the little trip down memory lane, especially the ending there. xD It's always nice to see a character's earlier self. ^^

Overall, the plot seems to be thickening further. It's going to be interesting to see what's coming out of this at the end. :3

Aaargh! It's still so short! *Flail* You need to make some mistakes so I can pick up on them and pad my review. >O
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Last edited by Alter Ego; December 17th, 2007 at 08:12 AM.
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