Operation Main Frame
View Single Post
December 27th, 2007 (03:01 PM).
Not a Baygel
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Hm, this seems like an interesting story so far. I was getting some spooky vibes. I think you set up the tone really well. :) So this story will be on the GS ball? I'm interested on how far you'll dealt with that.
There were a new things I like to point out. First, this sentence.
Giovanni shrugged, “she fought with us, and she was disposed of.”
Giovanni dismissed the emotional Professor and turned to address the crowd.
On the bold part, you were telling and not showing Professor Oak's feelings. Show how he felt when he heard Professor Ivy was disposed. Was he angry and his face started to get red, or was he sad and started to cry, etc.?
Also, there were a few times I noticed you left out a few words in your sentences that made some of them not flow well. Here's one example:
A couple of Giovanni rang me
I think you meant to say
a couple of days ago
, not a couple of men named Giovanni trying to call him. XD Did not point out the other ones because I'm not that great in grammar and that's the only one I can remember at the moment. :X
Again, so far everything interesting. Well, good luck on the next chapter!
You make the rain fall
Archive of Our Own
[Partner in Crime: Elite Overlord LeSabre™] [Cousin: Astinus] [Avatar: Elriel from court-records]
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Bay Alexison
Find all posts by Bay Alexison
Find threads started by Bay Alexison
Ignore Posts by Bay Alexison