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Old January 1st, 2008, 10:17 PM
Elite Overlord LeSabre™'s Avatar
Elite Overlord LeSabre™
Classic Elegance
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: 13470 East Independence Blvd.
Age: 88
Nature: Quirky
My first post of 2008!

Quote:
Jenny led her to the bathroom.
Lead=present tense. led=past tense.

Quote:
She was about to open her mouth to speak when her walkie-talkie produced static sounds.
For this type of sentence, "when" is used if the action (in this case, speaking) is cut off before it starts. "Until" is used when the action has already started and then gets interrupted. So, if Jenny was already speaking when her walkie-talkie went off, you would use "until."

Quote:
The man was about to take something from his pocket when he recognized a huge black car parking next to Timmy and Jenny’s police car.
Quote:
Oh my gosh, she's moving again!"

Timmy and Lucas leaned their heads closer to have a better look at the dot first moving at a steady pace but then speeding up quite a bit.
Quote:
She thought tracking devices were weird inventions because they could pinpoint where you are.
Number agreement.

Quote:
How did this thing get inside my bag?"
Quote:
All of a sudden, the Drifblim’s eyes turned dark blue
Note that there is no "t" in the Pokemon species name.

Quote:
She saw the towel move again, this time very quickly.
Quote:
"Now Timmy will think you stole a car,"
"Hitchhike" more or less means that someone stops and gives you a ride. Typically hitchhikers walk down the side of the road, holding out one hand with their thumb raised. "Carjacking" technically doesn't fit in either because a carjacking is a type of auto theft where the car is stolen with the owner still in it, and is usually a violent crime (the driver may get shot or shoved out of the moving car).

Quote:
Oh, and Darkpersian, expect the next chapter to explain more as of why Timmy and Lucas are going through with the plan and also why those two are risking themselves.
Good, because I was wondering why the two officers wouldn't find the situation suspicious. Odds are that if a car was stopped at a stop sign (especially if it was stolen) when Jenny radioed Timmy, it would be long gone by the time Timmy and Lucas made it up to her location.

I think someone needs to tell the officers that the whole plan is needlessly complex. Like Bunny (and apparently Butler as well), I was confused as to why certain things were done and how they were done. The tracking device did seem to come out of nowhere. Then there's the car parked at the stop sign instead of driving off.

Now, I do like the idea of the "arrest" serving as merely a ruse for some bigger and more elaborate plan, and you did handle it well enough, but there were a few things that just seemed unrealistic.

With that said, I am definitely looking forward to the chapter when everything is explained, including the real motives of the officers.
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