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March 16th, 2008, 02:40 AM
Do the Wess dance!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Well, not bad. The humor is nice, and overall the fic has had a good start.
I liked how you went ahead and actually described the two main characters in the beginning of the story - it was good description, and gave me a good idea on what they looked like. However, there are places which more description could have been used - such as of Viridain Forest, or Viridian City - ie places did seem a little lacking here and there.
I liked the start and the way in which Evan was woken up - certainly one way right there.
Evan also had red hair, though
was far neater and
eyes bluer than
Three 'his's' in half a sentence - try to mix up the words more often, instead of reusing the same one.
“Woo-HOO! I got an Eevee from Dad!” Evan pranced in carrying a fluffy
I'll just use this as an example - remember the commas when you are using multiple words in describing.
“You have several options. A.) Wait another year. B.) Don’t ever become a Pokémon Trainer. C.) Go home and play with dolls or D.) Cry me a river. What’ll it be?”
Interesting options there.
Although I question Oak acting like this, but then again, this is a humor fic...
Professor Oak glanced around nervously. “Actually, the Bulbasaur became sick after I showed it a picture of Evan,” he confessed.
A gentle breeze ruffled my hair as I trotted alongside Sam. We were almost to Viridian City.
Here the fic kinda moved too fast. They just left, and already they made it to Viridian city... and then shortly after they head to the forest (well, Sam does anyway) without exploring the city or something... slow things down occassionally.
As we stood on opposing sides, I looked at Samantha’s Charmander. His fire
excitedly. He looked tough. Then I looked at Eevee who was pouncing at a flower. Was this a bad sign?
I like the comparison of the two Pokemon there.
Although, 'wavered' really doesn't work there, as it contridicts with 'excitedly'... another word, like 'flared' would make more sense.
Then, from nowhere, some kind of fluff ball creature shot at Samantha! As she screamed and ran in circles, I did a very manly thing: I grabbed Eevee then stampeded off. At least I saved Eevee, right? …Whoops?
Evan's da man!
I stared at the ‘dex, shocked. Was I just threatened by my handheld Nintendo DS wannabe? That made me angry. As I proceeded to stomp on it in fury, the Mankey scratched Charmander. That was it. No one would hurt Charmander and get away with it! I tackled Mankey. Then we had a Fury Swipes contest. As we fought, Charmander tried to get my attention. When he got no answer, he picked up a Pokéball and threw it at the now weakened Mankey. Oh, so that’s what the balls were for! It shook once… Charmander stared with huge eyes. It shook twice… My Pokédex continued to curse me out. Then…ding!
Although the pacing for this part should be fast, here, it is too fast. Far too many things happening in one paragraph, IMO. Again slow things down, instead of jumping into it, as otherwise it seems like this:
'This happened and then it said this and I said' Omigosh' and then I did this and than this happened and lalala that happened'....
A big exaggeration, but you get the idea. Sounds like that you are a tad overexcited, so keep that in mind for any other future 'fast' scenes.
Hurrah for the mention of the DS but, and a Pokedex that talks back is always amusing.
Also liked the Evan/Eevee conversation - funny indeed.
Despite the small things here and there that I mentioned, it's quite good. You established the characters well, have decent description when you use it, the humor is good and also you seem to have the dialogue nity-gritty aspects down pat. Just slow thinsg down a bit in places, employ more description, and this fic should get better.
Keep it up! (and I better get back to homework...)
EDIT: I find it amusing that we basically reviewed each other's fics around the same time...
Do the Wess Dance!
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Why should you? Well,
Why doesn't Ash age?
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Last edited by bobandbill; March 16th, 2008 at
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