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March 16th, 2008 (8:45 PM).
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Not bad. The description has improved slightly, although in places more could have been used, and the comments made by the characters from time to time (in the brackets like so) are soemthimes rather random and seem that they've been put in for the sake of it.
Joby felt a bit too random for my tastes (which is odd) - probably could have been a bit funnier as well, looking at him from a comedy-prespective.
The gym battle was pretty good however - nice action there. Generally the fourth chapter was better than the third IMO - more description, funniness and content.
Days later, and we were still (lost) in Viridian Forest.
Were the brackets around 'lost' really nesserary there?
Later that day, we arrived at Pewter City. It was an average-sized place known for its association with rocks. Besides the typical mart and Pokemon Center, it also had a Gym and museum (which I really wanted to check out!)
Sounds rushed... 'there's this town, had a gym and a museum'... tad too quick there. Good that you slowed things down stright after and described their exploration and time in Pewter before taking on the gym leader however.
“Oh, my Gardevoir! Look! It…is…so…NEAT!”
Erm, why Gardevoir, exactly? Seems somewhat random...
“Geodude are as hard as rocks,” Brock awesomely, totally, gnarly, pointed out.
Silly Evan. Although I question the use of gnarly - doesn't really fit in.
Then he went heart-eyed and dashed over to
Heart-eyed could probably be rephrased.
“Well, a total of three a side then,” Brock said, very experienced.
...very experianced... how, by saying 'three a side'? Occassionally some of the comments seem a bit random.
Good battle again however, and Brock mistaking Evan for a girl was unexpected, to say the least.
Daresay some people's personalities are changed up.
Also, hurrah for NPC's making cameos! I remember those in the game (although the man hadn't crawled before...)
Keep it up!
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