Acts of Revenge (R)
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June 12th, 2008 (11:02 AM).
Master of Kecleon
Join Date: Jul 2005
I've read chapter one so far. It's not bad, but the writing seems to be pretty awkward.
His trip down memory lane had been disrupted by Pikachu as it tugged on his pants and pointed to a wooden sign. Ash looked at the sign and walked up to it. The sign was right between a fork on the road. The right side was clear and promised to be quite a walk while the left side was covered by tall trees and at a distance Ash could see what appeared to be a cabin.
He looked at the map and then at the roads. He admitted to himself that he was lost and had absolutely no clue as to which road to pick. Pikachu did not need to hear him say they were lost since it was notable from the expression on his face. The small Pokémon walked towards the left road and pointed out to it as it said, “Pika pi. Pi pi kachu. Pikachu pi.”
Ash understood Pikachu and the small mouse made a point. It had stated that they should take the left road and see if there was anyone in the cabin that could help them.
Easily cut down to, "Ash found himself at a fork in the road, but had no idea which path to take. At pikachu's request, they followed a path toward a cabin, hoping to find some help."
Actually, why did Ash even need pikachu to tell him that? I think Ash ought to be smart enough to figure out cabin = help on his own. Why was there even a a fork in the road? Wouldn't be simpler if they just walked in a straight line to the cabin, without 3 paragraphs to justify their decision? Be sure to go through chapters with questions like these, and eliminate parts that don't advance the story at all. Boil down each chapter to the bare necessities, because in reality that's all we came to read.
Your sentences can be a bit monotonous, too. After a while it started to come off as robotic; try combining sentences, moving around the subjects and objects, creating some varied sentences that keep it alive.
One last thing: Don't post chapters so frequently! One a day is way too many, especially since nobody has replied to your story yet. Wait at least a couple days between chapters. You can use the extra time for more editing, at least.
Now, on the plus side, your language is good and descriptions are solid. I had an easy time creating an image of each scene in my head! Not to mention the end of the first chapter, which provided an interesting, exciting twist. Well done!
PC Brother- ProtrainerEon
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