Acts of Revenge (R)
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June 12th, 2008 (12:23 PM).
Chick in riot gear!
South of Heaven, East of Hell, just past Gone Mad Boulevard
Originally Posted by
I've read chapter one so far. It's not bad, but the writing seems to be pretty awkward.
Easily cut down to, "Ash found himself at a fork in the road, but had no idea which path to take. At pikachu's request, they followed a path toward a cabin, hoping to find some help."
Actually, why did Ash even need pikachu to tell him that? I think Ash ought to be smart enough to figure out cabin = help on his own. Why was there even a a fork in the road? Wouldn't be simpler if they just walked in a straight line to the cabin, without 3 paragraphs to justify their decision? Be sure to go through chapters with questions like these, and eliminate parts that don't advance the story at all. Boil down each chapter to the bare necessities, because in reality that's all we came to read.
Your sentences can be a bit monotonous, too. After a while it started to come off as robotic; try combining sentences, moving around the subjects and objects, creating some varied sentences that keep it alive.
One last thing: Don't post chapters so frequently! One a day is way too many, especially since nobody has replied to your story yet. Wait at least a couple days between chapters. You can use the extra time for more editing, at least.
Now, on the plus side, your language is good and descriptions are solid. I had an easy time creating an image of each scene in my head! Not to mention the end of the first chapter, which provided an interesting, exciting twist. Well done!
Yeah, seems some times I add a little more than the necessary. It's a work in process.
To your next point: This story is actually up to chapter six so I've been posting one each day until I get to the point where I'll start writing the rest of the chapters. I finish one chapter and post it, it's been something I've done before in the past in this forum. Whether anyone replies or not I post it either daily or weekly.
Believe me, I've got all day to look over and edit and re-edit. Been carefully monitoring each chapter as I post it, though I may miss a thing or two.
Thanks for the points though!
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Acts of Revenge (R) [chapter 3 is online]
Joined Nov 2004
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