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Old June 23rd, 2008 (8:10 PM).
icomeanon6's Avatar
icomeanon6 icomeanon6 is offline
It's "I Come Anon"
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Northern Virginia
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,059
It is rare that I say "Wow" after reading a fic, and yours just made me. Science Fiction is really an underused field of fan fiction, and you've done a great job with it so far. The first person stance was interesting, but what I really thought was excellent was your detailed description of the process of psychically cutting something.

I didn't find any grammar mistakes, but I couldn't help but notice that you called the first part a prologue. A prologue is supposed to be events that happen before the main action of the story--or the beginning of the plot. If the first chapter takes place just after the prologue and in the exact same spot, then the prologue was actually the first chapter.

Aside from that, I didn't see anything wrong with it. My one bit of advice for future chapters is this: Make sure you research any scientific content enough to make it believable. A lot of sci-fi writers (including myself, I confess) don't do a good enough job of prior research, and it ends up making their work seem a tad ridiculous. I wouldn't worry about that too much, though, since having narration as nice as what you've written so far is much more important. I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope you continue it.

My chapter fics:
Kanto: The Disputed Frontier - Indefinite hiatus // Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure - Complete // New: Digimon Campaign - 11 chapters posted out of 17

There's Always Tomorrow (SWC 2009) // A Matter of Stubbornness (SWC 2010) // Left by the Roadside
(SWC 2011 1st place) //
Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It (2012) // By What Right? (SWC 2013 1st place) // Back in the Day (SWC 2014 1st place)
New: Dad's Old Gym (SWC 2016 2nd place)

Family (kind of?): Strange person who calls me strange names

If the pen is mightier than the sword, the keyboard is mightier than the ICBM.
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