View Single Post
June 27th, 2008 (03:28 PM).
i want the puppy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Well, before I review this, I'm going to have to let you know that you can't just say "I'm a beginner" or "Don't be harsh" and expect reviewers to shower you with praise. The point of posting a fanfic is not to have every reader love it and post something like, "Oh, it was great! Best fic ever! Keep writing!" You
get reviews, and as with almost every story, some of those reviews will be constructive critisism. No one is trying to put you down or "be harsh". We are trying to help you become a better writer by letting you know what we think about your story. If you don't like your readers finding errors or telling you your fic isn't perfect, then don't post your fic online. It's that simple.
Now, on with the review. This really seems a bit rushed and vague in parts. For example...
It was all so sudden, the earthquake, him jumping out the window, the pokemon center colapsing, the Absol. He passed out after this though, the jump was quite a high one after all. Darren ahore was wearing a green t-shirt at the time, black jeans that matched his hair, and a blue long sleeve shirt under the green one. This was all covered in dirt and rubble now, as he was rushed to the pokemon center in the next town over.
You go so quickly and without transition between Absol and Darren, and then one Pokemon Center to another. When you start describing different events, that calls for either a sentence of transition or a new paragraph. So, you could describe Absol's fall, then say something like
"Nearby, a trainer emerged from behind a crumbling wall,"
or simply use 'Enter' a couple times.
he dreamt of many things, his pokemon, Sunflora, and his mother, Flora Shore. His mother shared many of the same traits as him and always wore a flower pattern dress (the last one he saw her in was a forget-me-not dress. He could never forget her.) He dreamt of the Absol he saw.
All of a sudden he's dreaming? What do you mean by this? Did he fall asleep? When? Where? Or is he dreaming as in imagining the future? This needs a bit of elaboration.
The Absol that had tracked Darren all of his life, was one of the few talking telepaths.
While lying unconscious, Darren heard a voice deliver some of the worst news he could imagine. It said "I hate to be bearer of bad news, but as it is my duty I have no choice. You Sunflora, the pokemon who travelled with you in one of those infernal pokeballs, Did not survive the earthquake. When the building you where in colapsed, it was hit by a piece of the cieling and was then flattened. It was quite a mess, if i heard correctly." Darren was, of course, confused and scared by this statement, and in a panicking tone said "What? My sunflora was more capable than that, it would have made it!" He continued to describe in full detail the capabilities of his Sunflora. Halfway through his rant the Absol interupted him by saying " I'm sorry, but I'm just the messenger." "Wait! Tell me more!" Darren shouted but it was to late. The Absol had left.
I am a bit skeptical as to why Darren is not surprised by a talking Absol. You told us of its ability to talk before, but did Darren know it can do this beforehand?
Also, every time a different character speaks, hit 'Enter' twice in the same manner as you would make a new paragraph. It's a literature rule; just read any book or newspaper.
Well, I'm done quote-reviewing, but another thing I'd like to point out:
. Describe everything you can: the characters, the scenes, the setting, the Pokemon (yes, this is important), the sounds... This needs a lot more description.
It is obvious that this was quickly thrown together. You should re-read your work, add more to it, try to make it the best it can be. As I said before, I am not trying to be mean or rude by reviewing this. If I was, I would be telling you to leave this forum, stop writing, and insult and flame your fic. But I didn't do that. I gave specific examples of issues I found, and reccomendations on how to improve on them. It's your choice whether or not to accept a review, but don't get upset at your reviewers because they aren't sugar-coating everything. If we did that, you would not get any better at writing.
Also Known As:
just call me piez
View Public Profile
Send a private message to iLike2EatPiez
Find all posts by iLike2EatPiez
Find threads started by iLike2EatPiez
Ignore Posts by iLike2EatPiez