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June 27th, 2008, 05:17 PM
Join Date: Sep 2007
Alright, here goes. First of all, you can edit your first chapter post: you don't need to re-post it. Just hit the "edit" button at the bottom of the post and make your changes.
Capitalize last names, and I would very highly recommend changing Darren's. You probably didn't mean to do what I'm seeing, but I'm reading "a ♥♥♥♥♥" when I see that last name.
He broke his arm while skiing, and he saw an Absol there. There where many more events where he saw an Absol, but they where minor and he wondered why an Absol would tend to such minor bad luck.
Don't really need the word "minor" near the end of that sentence. Detracts from the impact.
Otherwise, you really need to be running this through a grammar checking service such as Microsoft Word or the like. There's numerous problems, and it gets tiresome to read rather quickly. Also, it seems to cut off about half-way through the chapter. There's no closure for anything. Darren doesn't hear officially if his Sunflora is dead: he pretty much just wakes up, asks some questions, and his mom hugs him without answering anything.
So this needs some work. In all honesty, I think it needs to be in the revision thread for a bit until you hammer out your writing skills. You'll still get exposure to critiquing and other authors, but it really just isn't presentable yet. It has a long way to go, but if you're really dedicated, you can pull this off. If it means that much to you, I would be glad to drop in once in a while and help out.
At below: Gotcha. One of those "mix 's' up with 'a'" things. Can't say I'm not guilty of that myself at times.
Last edited by txteclipse; June 27th, 2008 at
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