Thread: Absol tales.
View Single Post
  #10    
Old June 28th, 2008 (01:05 PM). Edited June 28th, 2008 by txteclipse.
txteclipse's Avatar
txteclipse txteclipse is offline
Across the eons...
Gold Tier
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: San Diego
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Nature: Quiet
Posts: 2,131
Who are you and what have you done with SupahFunk? This is exponentially better than yesterday's chapter. It's a bit uncanny, actually. There were still a few mistakes, but it truly is a far cry from what you posted before.

Quote:
The medical equipment and the lights where the only things that where working, so he was pretty bored. He spent half the time staring at the ceiling, counting the tiles.
You mixed up "where" and "were" here and in a few other places. "Where" is used when referring to the location of something, such as "where's my taco?" "Were," on the other hand, is referring to a past-tense state of being, such as "you were there last night." This is a fairly common mistake, so just keep an eye out for it.

Quote:
His mother had left not long ago, she said she had some sort of surprise for him. Well, whatever the surprise was, it was probably better looking that the ceiling.
This made me laugh a bit. However, the surprise is never mentioned again in the chapter, so this was a little confusing.

Quote:
He had spent almost his entire life with his Sunflora. He was the one who bought the sun stone to turn it into a sunflora. he just couldn't believe it was gone.
You refer to Sunflora as a "her" earlier in the chapter, so I would hold with that trend rather than calling Sunflora an "it" here. Also, try to word the second sentence so it doesn't repeat the word "Sunflora": I would recommend something like "He was the one who bought the stone to evolve her." It flows a bit better. Lastly, capitalize "he" at the start of the last sentence.

Quote:
"Hello dear, I'm back." His mother gently said, then relized he was crying.
"Realized" is spelled the way I just typed it.

Quote:
Darren did not mean to sound so rude, but didn't care anyways.
"Anyways" is not necessary here.

Quote:
You could tell that they where about to jump on him when, unexpectedly, the Sunkern tackled one!
Don't use the words "you" or "I" when writing in third-person, unless one of the characters is speaking. Change the word "You" to "He", and no harm will be done.

Quote:
His mother said, causing much jubilation to both Darren and sunkern.
This is an archaic speech pattern that just really doesn't fit well. It does technically work in a grammatical sense, but it's really old-school in an otherwise modern writing style.

Quote:
It was mid-october and the leaves where as beautiful a sight as could be. All the different hues of red and orange, mixed with the green of the few evergreens in the forest, made Darren wish he had some painting skills further than abstract art.
Good description here.

Quote:
Well, Darren was taken aback by this comment, but asked him "How much?"
The word "well" need not be there.

Quote:
Darren was not one to pass up a good deal, and in fact had haggled quite a few items down from their original price. He said to the man "Wait here, I'll go get some money." "Can do." The man replied, while sitting on the rock himself.
Hit enter twice between where Darren stops talking and the man starts.

Quote:
Darren was quite when he said "Excuse me sir, I'm back for the stones you offered."
"Quiet" rather than "quite."

Quote:
Darren turned to gloom and said "Well Gloom, are you ready?" It just stood there, drooling. "I'll take that as a yes." Darren mumbled as he placed the sun stone on Gloom's foot.
I chuckled at this.

Quote:
He turned to his Sunkern, but it just avoided the sun stone. Darren got the message from the scared look on Sunkerns face. Sunkern did not want to evolve yet. Darren simply said "Its okay if you do not want to evolve, I won't make you."

The very next year his Sunkern hopped over to where he kept the sun stone in his desk and called to his friend. Darren heard Sunkern and came over, and saw where Sunkern was sitting, and gave a silent cry of joy. He opened the desk drawer and pulled out the sun stone. He placed it next to Sunkern and watched the evolution work its magic.
This is the first real problem with this chapter: a plot hole. What changes Sunkern's mind about wanting to evolve? Extrapolate on that.

Quote:
Darren just broke out crying at this, he did not know what he would do from now on.
I'd word this a little different: it's almost an exact copy of the sentence you first used to describe Darren crying. Try something like "Darren started crying again; he didn't know what he would do from then on."

Overall, good chapter. I'd go back and talk about what surprise Darren's mom was getting him, and also describe what made Sunkern change her mind about evolving. Again, vast improvement over your last chapter, and I'll be awaiting your next one.
__________________
Courage of the heart is very rare. The stone has a power when it's there.

art by かんな
Reply With Quote